Eileen: This is Your Brain On…

Book Vomit: Cleanup on Aisle Seven

Mar 7th, 2011 | By

With Borders being closed, one has to wonder “Where will I get my book-fix?” Sure, there is Barnes & Nobles, which promises to offer five-thousand different copies of Anna Karinina (ooo, do I want the Classic Series, the Mid-Classic Series or the Semi-Classic Series?!), or Amazon.com, which is known for wonderful “How To” guides, but

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This List!: What I’d Like To Read In 2011

Feb 8th, 2011 | By

Last month, I discussed what I would not like to read in the (relatively) new year. This month, I’d like to share the books I’m most looking forward to reading in 2011, that are totally not imaginary. Look for them in a bookstore totally not near you! Why I’m Gross by Roman Polanski, Foreword by

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Diss List: What I Don’t Want To Read in 2011

Jan 8th, 2011 | By

It’s Christmas Time and I Am Full of Beer: The Passive Aggressive Gift List

Dec 16th, 2010 | By

The holiday season should really be a time for you to send a passive aggressive message through the nature of gift giving. As we all know, passive aggressiveness is what truly separates humans from the most intelligent of mammals (gazelles). Therefore, we should embrace this trait as wholeheartedly as we embrace our mothers after they

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A Sequel: How To Score Like A Literary Lady-Pimp

Nov 10th, 2010 | By

This is going to be rather short, ‘cuz ladies don’t do much, except knit and create the theory of radioactivity. Now, I could argue that the reason there aren’t as many lady pimps as man pimps in literature is because female characters are often caricatures, necessary only to plot devices and the hero’s inner turmoil.

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Your Sensitive Dreamboat

Oct 5th, 2010 | By

There is nothing sexier than a bad boy, like Gambit or Willy Wonka as played by Gene Wilder. But sometimes you want a man who doesn’t believe all of the world’s problems can be solved by pointing to his crotch. Sometimes all of us just want a dude who will make us soup and give

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Pimpin’ Ain’t Easy: How to Score like a Literary Hero/Anti-Hero

Jul 8th, 2010 | By

Awww yeah, guys and girls! Who doesn’t want to become luckier with the opposite sex (Answer: nuns)?  Listen, we all want to love and be loved (while avoiding a plethora of venereal diseases). But it’s tough out there! And many of us have, more often than not, failed in scoring our crotch’s desire. You’ve probably

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A Good Rochestering: Haikus for Jane Eyre’s Main Squeeze

Jun 10th, 2010 | By

There are two things you can count on in this world: 1) Ryan Reynolds will never return my phone calls, no matter how many different ways I disguise my voice. 2) The film/TV studios believe that the canon of literature contains only:  Jane Austen, Henry James, Dickens, a smattering of Mark Twain, a dash of

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Judging Your Jerk: The Thomas Hardy Method

May 14th, 2010 | By

We all have a special jerk in our lives. It could be your sibling, your significant other, a parent, a friend, a co-worker or your brother’s neighbor’s cousin’s sister-in-law’s wife. A jerk like this is hard to shake, so you’ve learned to accept, even love your jerk for the stupid-face she/he is (at least until

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Burn your Retinas, Soothe Your Ears: Terrible Movies with Great Music

Apr 5th, 2010 | By

Have you ever met someone super hot, or something super hot (what up, objectum-sexuals!), and thought to yourself “I know as soon as you speak you’re going to ruin this beautiful picture you’ve presented, because you’re probably super into politics, or clog dancing and Warren Beatty, or misogynistic film plots with needless explosions and women

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