Eileen: This is Your Brain On…

“Oops!” Said The Raven

May 14th, 2012 | By

In a scene from the frighteningly mediocre The Raven, Edgar Allan Poe (played by John Cusack, befuddled-looking-actor-extraordinaire), discovers his house has been burned down by a serial-killer fiend intent on destroying Poe because of something something. But Poe is not to be deterred; he simply picks up his raccoon and goes to Luke Evan’s Victorian

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Fifty Shades of WTF

Apr 19th, 2012 | By

Fifty Shades of Grey, the erotica S&M novel by E.L James, is the following: What your mom excitedly told you she would be reading for her book club And then you said, “Mom, I just hit a cyclist with my car, got to go. Of course I’m not lying to you and insinuating that I’d

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What To Watch Since Downton Abbey Is Over And I Don’t Want You To Kill Yourself

Mar 12th, 2012 | By

Well, what the hell are we going to do now? You’ve watched Downtown Abbey (or Downton Abbey for losers who pronounce words correctly). You’ve watched it because you’ve had no choice. You love it because you don’t know why. Is because you love costume dramas and/or shows from across the pond? Is it because everyone

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Bag of Boners Part Two: Pierce Breaks More Shit

Feb 6th, 2012 | By

Bag of Bones continues! Big band music! Interpretation of small town citizens as idiots! More gratuitous scenes of drowning little girls! Let me tell you, you’re in good hands. I have lots of experience drowning things, specifically my Glamour Barbie. What a whorelet. When we left Pierce Noonan, he was experiencing a day of terror.

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Bag of Boners Part One: Let’s Get Clickety-Clacking

Jan 9th, 2012 | By

Bag of Bones is a glorious hodgepodge of scene chewing, nonsensical dialogue and a plot that was sunk into a cavern full of foot cheese. It’s like A&E needed an idea, snorted some paint and stumbled into its hand carved bookcase, knocking Stephen King’s award-winning Bag of Bones right onto its jeweled talons (all television

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Amish, May I Sleep With Danger?

Nov 7th, 2011 | By

“Levi? What happened? Is the barn ablaze?” Excerpt from Plain Fear: Forsaken: A Novel Americans are intrigued by insular cultures. I have a staunch belief that it’s not because they “look different” or act in ways our general population doesn’t act, but because these cultures ignore us and we don’t know why. “HELLO, AMISH? IT’S

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Turns of the Screws

Oct 11th, 2011 | By

Happy Halloween, everyone! Okay, it’s not Halloween yet, but for me, every day in October is Halloween, which is why I’m dressed up as Eric Draven from The Crow. (Tomorrow I’m Barney.) What can I say, this is my favorite time of the year, and I often spend the month celebrating by partaking in spooky

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Book Blurbs for Your Great American Novel

Jul 7th, 2011 | By

Book blurbs are as old as I am (14th century), and have become part of a marketing strategy for an author to establish him/herself by utilizing the praise of demigod writers like Neil Gaiman or ThatGuyWhoLikesRunOnSentences (Hint: It’s William Faulkner and he’s dead). A phrase of praise from a well-respected author like Connie Willis or

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Ray Stevenson: Happy Birthday, Jonathan

Jun 24th, 2011 | By

Jonathan Harper was born in a manger in a secret corridor of a local Denny’s. An orphan at the age of three, Jonathan sustained himself on nuts and the complete Angela Carter collection. He was soon adopted by a benefactress named Judi Dench, and lived with her on a lush country estate with her adopted

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Let’s Hear It For The Ladies, All My Pre-Victorian & Victorian Ladies

May 9th, 2011 | By

Period pieces. They seem to be everywhere these days: BBC, ITV, AMC, HBO, HWC[1] . Modern writers like Sarah Waters and Michel Faber have had their Victorian era novels adapted to television, Upstairs Downstairs was re-launched, and a series written by Julian Fellowes has found a wealth of success (DOWNTON ABBEY!!! DOWNTON ABBEY!!! HAVE YOU

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