Who doesn’t want to become luckier with the opposite sex (Answer: nuns)?  Listen, we all want to love and be loved (while avoiding a plethora of venereal diseases). But it’s tough out there! And many of us have, more often than not, failed in scoring our crotch’s desire.

You’ve probably been relying on self-help periodicals and recreational drugs as ways to meet your possible conquests. This has probably led you to be as successful on the battlefield of love as Civil War General Braxton Bragg (who had nothing to boast about! ZING!).

So you know what we should all do?

Drink.

No wait…

…what we should do is harken back to great literary heroes/anti-heroes (just gentlemen, ladies can’t be heroes; they are too busy ironing in Ye Olde Washroom). These dudes knew how to pull, so let’s grab a chair, learn how to read, and delve into what made these guys so great with getting their horizontal hump on!

Robert Lovelace from Clarissa by Samuel Richardson

Style: Your step-father’s Benedict Arnold Halloween costume

Type: Ruthless seducer

Best Line: “If a man could not make a lady in courtship own herself please with him, it was as much and oftentimes more to his purpose to make her angry with him.”

Lovelace, master of the Neg, was such a rake, the ladies he conquered either died in childbirth or became whores. High five dudes!

The key to being like Lovelace is never taking “No” for an answer. Can I pay for dinner? No. Lets just be friends. No. Will you stop calling? No. Listen, it’s nice you’re feeling super passionate about me, but can you please not kidnap me and hold me hostage in a brothel? Hmm. No.

Lovelace is all about persistence. Never give up! It’s what makes America great (But since Lovelace is British, persistence expires during the Revolutionary War. SERVED!)

Upside: Lovelace is the precursor to every romance novel novel bad boy.

Downside: Lovelace is the precursor to every romance novel bad boy.

"See the banked passion in my eyes? Focus on that and ignore my fists in your face. Aw yeah!"--excerpt from Clarissa by Samuel Richardson

Vicomte de Valmont from Les Liaisons dangereuses by Pierre Choderlos de Laclos

Style: Groom at a Labyrinth wedding

Type: Intelligent slut machine

Best Line: “I foresee that vengeance will move faster than love.”

Grace. Gift of gab. Heels on his shoes. Prince? The Purple One wishes . Valmont adds a stylistic edge to Lovelace’s Stockholm Syndrome Love Potion, so instead of ladies becoming whores after a love fest, they lock themselves in a nunnery or just take it on as a new vocation. That’s right, only God gets those fine specimens when Valmont is done with them!

To be a Valmont, you need cunning and a good lawyer (following up on those “Cease and Desist” letters from your future love can be a pain). You also need a really great wingman/wingwoman who can steer you toward your next sexual take-over, as well as informing you if your brocade jacket make your butt look big. But stay clear of closeted underage hotties with helicopter mothers. You’ve been warned.

Upside: Destined to always score.

Downside: Fatal wound; brought to you by the boyfriend of a chick you banged.

"Whatever you do," Valmont purred. "Don't muss up the wig, as it is the source of all my powers." excerpt from Les Liaisons dangereuses by Pierre Choderlos de Laclos

Alex from A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess

Style: High school steampunk convention

Type: Bad boy

Best Line: “Appy-polly-loggies.”

Are you into serial rape? No? Moving on…

Upside: Free will.

Downside: Beatings, the Ludvico Technique.

After we go to the milk bar, I will do delinquent things to you. Welly, welly, welly, welly, welly, welly, well.

Ethan Frome from Ethan Frome by Edith Wharton

Style: Bedraggled farmer (aka hipster)

Type: Sad sack with a heart of gold

Best Line: “I want to put my hand out and touch you. I want to do for you and care for you. I want to be there when you’re sick and when you’re lonesome.”

To be a successful Ethan Frome, you need to showcase your vulnerability, but not so much that you end up horribly crippled in a sledding accident. Suggestion: a book of poetry and some eye drops. Remember not to talk a lot, and when you do speak, make sure your speech is rough and decorated with lots of apostrophes as if it were written out phonetically.

Always stand a little away from the crowd when you are in a public area, showcasing your openness to feeling feelings and emoting emotions that the rest of the cold, cruel world cannot begin to understand. To expedite the lie that you are thoughtful, grow a beard.

Upside: The opposite sex will enjoy your sensitivity.

Downside: You might be asked to grow a pair.

Girl, you are so fine we should be related! We are? Well let's get our relations ON."--excerpt from Ethan Frome by Edith Wharton

Maximilian (Maxim) de Winter from Rebecca by Daphne du Maurier

Style: Donald Trump (with hair)

Type: Cardboard

Best Line: “Forgive me. I was very rude after lunch.”

Wow, you are handsome! And well-dressed! And moody And…well, not that much else. But the opposite sex digs your standoffish mysterious dickishness, because it obviously alludes to a personality that you actually don’t have!

The Maximilian is perfect for those just starting out with literary pimping. Test your wings and go to Saks Fifth Avenue (clearance section). Pick out some awesome duds and go out to da club. Be sure to fold your arms, furrow your brow, and focus on the wallflowers, as they tend to be more willing to overlook your lack of dialogue for handsomeness and the fact that you are the owner of property that may or may not be haunted by your unbelievably good looking wife.

Upside: Always looking fly.

Downside: Dead wife ruining your groove.

Handsome!

V from V for Vendetta by Alan Moore

(Comics are literature. Professor Stan Lee says so.)

Style: Masquerade party on acid

Type: Badass

Best Line: “Please allow me to introduce myself… I’m a man of wealth and taste. ”

To be V, you can’t be no shrinking violet. Make sure that while you’re out prowling, you impress a possible hook-up by getting into a verbal alteration with a Republican, Democrat and Libertarian, before setting the bar on fire.

Upside: Can work a cape.

Downside: Is a renowned computer hacker, but isn’t good with cell phones.

Behind this mask lies the potent elixer of pure sensuality. Oh and anarchy. I guess.

Ashley Wilkes from Gone with the Wind by Margaret Mitchell

Style: Great great grandpappy, minus the handgun and white hood

Type: Sober southern gentleman

Best Line: “I don’t love you.”

Many people pick Rhett Butler as the master hustler, but those people seem to forget that stuffed shirt Wilkes has all the right moves. Indeed, he had both Scarlett O’Hara and Melanie Hamilton wrapped around his well-manicured fingers.

Ashley Wilkes’s secret? Super politeness followed quickly by disinterest. Play hard to get! For instance: when you nicely ask your sexy interest about his/her day, be sure to wander away while they are in mid sentence. Or, offer your possible hump partner a ride home from Bible study, and then drive off without them. Remember: you’re a wild, disinterested horse that can’t be tamed!

Upside: Great table manners.

Downside: Like Ethan Frome, suffers from Doormattitude.

"Scarlett," Ashley whispered passionately. "I feel so apathetic towards you!"--excerpt from Gone with the Wind by Margaret Mitchell

Roland Deschain The Dark Tower Series by Stephen King

Style: XXXL Cowboy Costume from Party City

Type: *Stares*

Best Line: *Stares*

The fact that Clint Eastwood is inspired by this dude means you need to get this shiz on lockdown! Question 1: Are you so masculine you eat tree bark for breakfast while bench-pressing tractor-trailers? Question 2: Do you have no sense of humor, because you’re too busy fighting the good fight and jokes are for sissies? No? What, are you on your period you little bitch?

If you want to score and score big, you gotta talk the talk and walk the Ka-Tet talk. That means you need a weather-beaten duster and hands the size of overcooked hams. Remember: your past is a mystery, so if your love interest asks what you did on Sunday, just grimace and ask if he/she can help you solve a riddle. Otherwise, they are dead to you.

Upside: Manly.

Downside: Is actually allergic to roses. Shhh, don’t tell!

Underneath this manly exterior--is a more manly exterior!

Well,  sexually-charged men and women who want to get freaky, I hope this list helps you in your quest to bone. I’d like to leave you with the immortal words of ladies man Lord Byron: “Between two worlds life hovers like a star, twixt night and morn, upon the horizon’s verge–Get it girl!”

———-

Eileen’s heart will always remain with Captain Ahab. He is so fine.

1) Ryan Reynolds will never return my phone calls, no matter how many different ways I disguise my voice.
2) The film/TV studios believe that the canon of literature contains only:  Jane Austen, Henry James, Dickens, a smattering of Mark Twain, a dash of George Eliot, two Brontë novels and a few other sad bastards lucky enough to catch the eye of a drunk producer as he/she wanders through Barnes and Nobles.

Orson emotes with his laser eyes.

While I could flail around with many reasons why other works would make great adaptations (Theodore Dreiser anyone?), I’d rather complain about the two billion versions of Wuthering Heights and Jane Eyre. I’ve already reviewed two adaptations of Wuthering Heights–but there are many many more, proving that people love a good story about two selfish jerks who make everyone miserable (Romeo and Juliet a close second).

Jane Eyre, the best book ever written (The Bible and Bernstein Bears a close second), has suffered the same repetitive indignity. The story rarely changes (drab, dreary, with some rain) the locations always look the same (drab, dreary, with some rain), and the actresses who play Jane never quite get the spark that has made her such a beloved heroine. (Unless you’re counting Virginia Bruce in 1934’s Jane Eyre, which is more about laughter and hoop skirts. Who cares about correct literary interpretation? Let’s dance!)

However, the actors playing Mr. Rochester over these thousands of recurring years have managed to claw out some semblance of originality. Whether it’s from a dose of boyish charm (Toby Stephens), a mesmerizing grace (Orson Welles), or banked passion hidden behind the disease of Toogoodlookingness (Timothy Dalton), these dudes tried to make something new out of something that is as overdone as hamburgers at your blind grandmother’s yearly cookout.

Brontë scholars hope that Michael Fassbender's upcoming role as Rochester will feature strong characterization on par with the abs pictured above.

So if you are looking for a fresh, original take of Jane Eyre, you won’t find it! (However, the 1934 version is amusing for the sake of “has nothing to do with Jane Eyre except for the title and character names.” Oh, 1934, with your Austrian Civil War and Donald Duck, I love you!)

I guess what you need to do when in search for some Jane Eyre versatility, is to check out the (slightly) different presentations of Mr. Rochester, which I have compiled below in haiku form:

Jane Eyre
1934
Colin Clive

Adorable fop
Lock your wife in the attic
Then sing “tra-la-la!”

Jane Eyre
1944
Orson Welles

Grrrrr! Rawr! Boom! Sneer! Stare!
Give me another Oscar
The last one got broke

Jane Eyre
1970
George C. Scott

Sorry, what was that?
I choked on my own boredom
It happens sometimes

Jane Eyre
1983
Timothy Dalton

Handsome James Bond man
You do not fit this role but,
Just furrow your brow

Jane Eyre
1996
William Hurt

I’m more like your dad
but aren’t my sideburns so great?
Wardrobe can’t have them

Jane Eyre
1997
Ciaran Hinds

jane. Jane. Jane! Jane?! JANE!!!
I’m like a desperate school girl
with tourette’s and sweat

Jane Eyre
2006
Toby Stephens

Hello you dreamboat.
You really know how to mack.
Blind, with grabby hands

Jane Eyre
2011
Fassbender (AKA Michael Fassbender)

To be true to text
Naked push-ups must occur
Also some whipped cream

————
Eileen is a Jane Eyre aficionado. She’s even seen Jane Eyre: The Musical, but was disappointed there wasn’t more break dancing.

But we all could use a guide on how to decipher the next move of our jerk. And one should really look no further then a man who made a career about writing about jerks and being sad all the time:

Thomas Hardy.

Thomas Hardy: Supreme Jerk Analyst

Now, we at Defenestration HQ love Thomas Hardy (Genevieve even made an abridged classic of Jude the Obscure). At the Dining Table of Great Authors Long Since Past, we would totally squeeze in right next to Hardy and listen to his tales of sorrow, helping ourselves to all the jelly beans. (Later we’ll be kicked out for drinking all the absinthe.)

But Thomas Hardy wasn’t just an awesome author who wrote about the moral complexities of life, he knew a lot about jerktitude. Therefore I have gathered some of his works together in a study of my very own. (I even wore my glasses! The lenses are made out of stained glass so I look like Liberace.)

Please remember that the words below offer no answers on how to deal with your jerk–mostly because Hardy’s resolution to everything was death, abject poverty and/or general human suffering. Squeee!

Book: Jude the Obscure
Character: Jude Fawley
“The Unlucky Jerk”

Oh my God, this guy/girl! Always with the terrible things happening! Why can’t someone who makes bad decisions (re: marry his/her cousin), catch a break?

As I have already mentioned, Genevieve already brilliantly dissected the film version of Jude the Obscure and I have to agree with her assessment with Jude. He is the Jerk who, unwittingly, just brings you down. He’s all “Man, my shower is all clogged up, so I used your toothbrush to fish out all the hair,” or “My girlfriend dumped me. I was so depressed I slept with yours.”

Book: Mayor of Casterbridge
Character: Michael Henchard
“The Jerk Who Won’t Stop Yelling”

You would feel bad for this Jerk if he/she just kept his/her voice down. Also? If he/she would just admit they were wrong, and learn from his/her mistakes instead of continuing to be a blustering jerk.

For instance: this is the type of Jerk who gets drunk, vomits on your shirt and then says you deserve it because you’re always nagging and you were asking for it. (but at least the Jerk version of Michael Henchard won’t sell you to a sailor, cuz there are laws against that now. In some places).

This Jerk is the worst jerk of the bunch. He/she is loud, authoritarian and manipulative. You probably can’t get away from this Jerk because he/she is your boss, long-lost parent or dog walker. You just can’t get rid of them (maybe you can sell him/her? No wait, there are laws against that now. In some places). He/she is like a limb you can’t remove (unless you’re me and you can get it removed. Take that, third ear!).

Book: The Woodlanders
Character: Giles Winterborne
“The Jerk with No Common Sense”

The sweetest Jerk evah! But a Jerk because he/she is so, so dumb, and believes that love can save us all! Sure it can, Giles Winterborne, but it can’t save you from pneumonia when you refuse to sleep in the same house as the woman you love because she’s married to another man and that would ruin her reputation so you sleep outside in torrential rain and die as a result. But so romantic!

You might initially think this Jerk is the greatest person evah! Until you have to gently explain that, yes, waiting patiently while you get ready for a date is all well and good, but please don’t sit in the garage with the door shut and the car running. Or, how sweet of you to put your jacket down over a puddle for me, but please don’t do that when a car going 40 mph is headed straight for us.

If this Jerk does die, be sure to have these words on his/her epitaph: “Well, they tried!”

Book: Tess of the D’ubevilles
Character: Angel Clare
“Can’t Count on Me Jerk”

Is your Jerk full of lofty goals, hot like the sun (only the best looking people threaten your retinas), and holds grudges because you may or may not have unwillingly sexed some other guy/girl (or, forgot to take out the garbage)? Then your Jerk is Angel Clare, beautiful man and self-righteous stuffed shirt. Sure he’s a “smooth operator” (sing it Sade!), but you can’t count on him. Cuz when the heat is on, this Jerk burns out and high tails it–either to Brazil or some other exotic location like Prince Edward Island. This Jerk will certainly always come back to you (like a shameless boomerang), but it’s always too little too late. My advice? Sex up this Jerk and move on (don’t forget to take pictures).

Book: Far from the Madding Crowd
Character: The Sheepdog
“The Jerk That Ruins Your Well Thought Out Plans Because He/She is Involved With The Hand of Fate or Some Other Bullshit”

Do you know a jerk that sent your life into a tailspin, all because of his/her incompetence? Then the sheepdog from Far from the Madding Crowd is your Jerk-animal.

Don’t let the adorable fuzzy-wuzziness of this Jerk fool you! He/she is totally going to ruin your life. In the novel, this adorable Jerk ran all of Gabriel Oak’s sheep off a cliff, throwing Oak into a tailspin of poverty and sad sadness.

This puppy will ruin your life.

In your life, your Jerk might drunkenly ram into your car while parking his/hers, leaving you unable to perform your spectacular duties at the Law Firm or Dairy Queen. You walk to work, because you really need this job to help pay off your third ear surgery. While trudging down the highway, a clown car passes by and you are struck in the face and body by over a dozen banana cream pies because the twenty-five clowns in the car wanted to practice their aim before the next Big Top Show. When you finally arrive at the Law Firm, your boss takes in your disarrayed state and tells you that you will no longer be scooping ice cream in his office. Broke, you quickly default on your third ear surgery bill and have to move into a shanty town, which happens to be right next to a banana cream pie factory. The End.

Wow, that’s a lot of jerks. I hope this was an educational experience. Now, off to fill out some job applications. It’s so hard finding a law firm that enjoys chicken wing ice cream as much as I do.

———-

Eileen still enjoys puppies, even if they might inexplicably kill her.

The above (terrible) example is how I feel about a lot of films that have bad ass soundtracks/scores, but tend to be just terrible in general (re: misogynistic film plots with needless explosions and women who don’t wear bras). Therefore, I’ve compiled a list of the greatest music (EVER), which unluckily found himself (music is a man and he is attractive), married to something not so great.

So lets break into this shit like a diabetic robbing a candy store! (in alphabetic order because I hate numbers):

Rubber nipples never sounded so good!

Batman Forever (Various Artists)

When this film came out, I developed a huge crush for Val Kilmer. That was wrong. What isn’t wrong: INXS’s dearly departed Michael Hutchence’s cover of Iggy Pop’s “The Passenger.” People often reference the big hits from this soundtrack, like U2’s “Hold Me Thrill Me Kiss Me Kill Me,” (this song is quite prophetic to me, as it was the last time U2 thrilled me), or Seal’s “Kiss from a Rose” (yes, I listened to this song on repeat. I still don’t know how a rose can kiss from the grave, but I’m not that into perennials). With music by artists such as PJ Harvey, Nick Cave and Everything But the Girl’s Tracey Thorn, the Batman Forever soundtrack was more varied than Jim Carrey’s facial expressions. While it is definitely a late 90s soundtrack, the songs remain as timeless as Nicole Kidman’s forehead.

Flowers in the Attic (Composer, Christopher Young)

No one saw this movie but me. Twice. But I believe I made Genevieve see it just as further proof that it’s very hard to adapt a novel to film: especially a novel about incest and child abuse with tasty arsenic cookies. Anyways, my thoughts on V.C. Andrews have already been made clear. But what isn’t clear is how great this score is, which features lovely string arrangements, a boy’s choir and SADNESS. I basically had to sell a kidney to get my hands on this score (fuck you, regulation of electrolytes!). But it was worth it. Let us hope Christopher Young will continue to work on good projects (Drag Me to Hell) and not “good projects” (Tales from the Hood).

The Fountain (Composers, Clint Mansell, Kronos Quartet, and Mogwai)

I refuse to see this movie because the score is so amazing and the reviews for this film were so terrible. Genevieve summed it up quite nicely by defining the film as “a glorious mistake.” She also added, “it was pretty much: awful, awful, AMAZING awful, awful AMAZING awful, awful, huge tree.”

Got it. Failed film conceptualization, excellent meeting of great musical minds. Seriously: Clint Mansell, Kronos Quartet AND Mogwai?! Did my inner choir girl just get laid?! Answer: Yes.

There is some masterful piano soloing going on in this bitch, as well as some super duper fantastic percussion.

Great Expectations (Various Artists)

Well at least Ethan Hawke isn’t wearing eyeliner in this one (re: Hamlet), but he’s all frowny face and Paltrow is in this one as well, sucking up everyone’s life force. But that’s okay because Tori Amos has two songs on this soundtrack to make it all better! Man, remember when Tori Amos wasn’t so content with her life and that led to great music! Stupid happiness ruins everything.

Lost Highway (Various Artists)

For years I’ve refused to see this film because of how much I love the soundtrack. David Bowie! Angelo Badalamenti! Trent Reznor! Barry Adamson! Marilyn Mans–forget that last one!

Recently, I broke down and decided to see this one. How bad could it be? It’s David Lynch! It’s gained cult status! The music is so great it couldn’t be that bad!

Not even the Bowie could save this one. I don’t care if this is supposed to be some sort of dream within a dream within a nightmare something something. There is no way that a saxophone player receives a standing ovation unless he’s in the Dave Matthews Band (RIP LeRoi Moore). That alone makes this film awful (except for Robert Blake’s character, he was pretty neat-o), and it makes my goth side somewhat sad when I watch NIN’s awesome video “The Perfect Drug,” because I realize that the pimp at my laundromat was right: there is no such thing as a perfect drug, and the washing machine will never accept your leftover Euros.

Ugh, talk about a wrong turn. ZING!

Mary Reilly (Composer, George Fenton)

Genevieve has already brilliantly dissected this film. All I can say is the score, and George Fenton, deserved so much better. So so so much better. There is nothing sadder than a waste of an orchestra. And this wasn’t just wasting an orchestra like a Mafia hit, this was wasting it like flushing the whole ensemble down the toilet. No one wants that. Not George Fenton and certainly not the janitor.

Plunkett and Macleane (Composer, Craig Armstrong)

Horrible! And that’s just for Liv Tyler! But the score was (and is) so so great, as it is a fantastic blending of classical music and modern percussion. If you have to watch this movie, just skip to when Captain James Macleane (Johhny Lee Miller) is walking to the site of his execution. Bask in the lovely choir music of “Escape,” and cry when JLM escapes death yet again. Your time is soon, hacker!

Romeo + Juliet (Various Artists)

I think this soundtrack was the pinnacle of “big film + big soundtrack with big artists.” But while the movie suffocates under its own weight (or Claire Danes’s death stare), the soundtrack is both somber (Radiohead’s “Talk Show Host”), sexy (Garbage’s “#1 Crush) and fun (Gavin Friday’s “Angel”).

The Saint (Various Artists)

Hahaha! It’s my girlhood crush Val Kilmer again! This album made me feel so edgy when I bought it and it still holds up with tracks from Daft Punk, Sneaker Pimps and Chemical Brothers. What hasn’t held up: Val Kilmer’s face and sanity (also Elizabeth Shue’s career).

Swordfish (Composer, Paul Oakenfold)

The “Halle Berry Shows her Berries” film was a disaster, but it was also Paul Oakenfold’s opportunity to showcase his DJ-ing talents before he faded from relevancy. Before you beat me to death with your glowsticks, take a listen to his latest ventures. You’re welcome.

The Village (Composer, James Newton Howard)

Oh, M. Night Shamalamamamamamamamaama. I, like so many others, hate your smugness and your lame plot twists. But what I really hate is how you got THE HOWARD (James Newton Howard), to waste his beautiful climactic score to this preposterous piece of clap-trap.

Wicker Park (Various Artists)

Uhhhhh. Let me see here. The soundtrack has: Postal Service, múm, +/-, The Shins, The Stills, Death Cab for Cutie, Broken Social Scene and Stereophonics. The film has: squinty-eyed Josh Hartnett and mood lighting. Tough call.

There you have it! My list of great soundtracks/scores that have been paired with some awful train wrecks of cinema. Oh, you haven’t had enough (I get that all the time)? Well here are some “films that didn’t make the cut because they are so unintentionally hilarious they side on camp.”

Abandon (Composer, Clint Mansell)

Katie Holmes trying to act! Benjamin Bratt pretending to believe Katie Holmes can act! Clint Mansell, again proving to be too good for a film. Don’t take these films’s phone calls if they can’t treat you right, Mansell!

Cruel Intentions (Various Artists)

A bastardization of the magnificent film Dangerous Liaisons, but it’s still funny to watch Ryan Phillipe try to be magnetic. The soundtrack introduced suburbia to modern post-punk (Placebo) and British electronica (Faithless), and featured some great love songs (“This Love” by Craig Armstrong and “Colorblind” by Counting Crows).

Hackers (Various Artists)

This movie deserves an Oscar. An Oscar made of cheese. The soundtrack was so great they made a sequel to the soundtrack. Carl Cox, Leftfield and Kruder & Dorfmeister? Hell yes! They should make a sequel to the sequel. Oh wait, they did.

I hope they make a Hackers 15.

Underworld (Various Artists)

Say what you will about Kate Beckinsale’s cat suit movie, but do not damn the soundtrack! Featuring Lisa Germano, A Perfect Circle, Skinny Puppy and Concrete Blonde’s Johnette Napolitano, this one will warm your black black heart.

Happy listening! But always remember to cover your eyes (it always sounds better that way).

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Take Worlds of Power: Wizards & Warriors, for example. The book is one of many in the 1980s Worlds of Power series, which were novels based on Nintendo games. You might think “wow, a book based on a videogame, how hard was that to write?” SUPER hard! Why, this classic had two writers: F.X. Nine, author of such scintillating books as Blaster Master and Ellen Miles who writes books about puppies!

Ellen Miles: Master of action-packed adventure and cuddly wuddlly animals who wuv hugs!!

Then, suddenly, as Matthew is in his bedroom changing, he finds a knight watching him in the mirror. Oh, so it’s going to be THAT kind of book. If I had known books based on videogames were this salacious, I would have worked that joystick a long time ago. But, alas, the Knight (named Kuros), is not there for a love connection, but a quest connection! Kuros needs Matthew to journey with him (probably because he doesn’t want a minor pressing charges). Kuros tells Matthew that they must rescue Princess Mirdanda and all her beautiful handmaidens, who have been hidden by the evil Makil, who has “threatened that at sundown tonight he will put an end to Princess Miranda.” Why? Who knows. But it’s probably because she’s a girl and can’t pop a whitehead like a real man.

'Kuros's flowing hair was a mess of tangles' (43). Bet that bitch hasn't had a facial in weeks, either.

Just as I am completely enthralled (or completely wasted), the book reveals a GAME HINT, which will help Matthew with his quest! “Don’t fight the bees inside the hollow bee tree. Keep moving down until you find the Wand of Wonder!” With a description of a knight hiding in a boy’s bedroom and items such as “Wand of Wonder,” I’m really beginning to question Nintendo’s true intentions: do they want kids to play more video games or engage in games that are outlawed in over a dozen states?

There are other glorious terms sprinkled through the book, like IronSpire, BrightSword and FuckingStupid. After fighting off a swarm of hornets (cuz that’s what knights do), Kuros and Matthew find a lot of jewelry and dress up like Liberace’s whores. Basically the book is a lot like Choose Your Own Adventure, except there isn’t a 50% chance the main character will die, which is a shame. Sadly, I didn’t realize this until I had finished the book, which is also full of small-town idiosyncrasies such as “it was as hot as a pizza from Sal’s Pizzarea,” or “blacker than the black guy who worked at the bootblack store.”

Applied to the “Literature Has Gone to Shit,” theory, Wizards and Warriors is harmless. It’s for kids back in the day who really connected to their videogame console. And you know what? Better to be connected to that than shackled to a cop after some illegal shenanigans.

I’m not saying books like this kept bored kids out of trouble, I’m just saying I’m feeling really violent right now because someone stole my free Worlds of Power Trading Card. GIVE THAT BACK! KRONOS NEEDS MY HELP TO FIND THE BOOTS OF LAVA WALK.

———-
Eileen really wants that damn trading card.

I was wrong. A few months ago another Wuthering Heights adaptation premiered on Masterpiece Theatre. I ignored it like I ignored my parole hearing. But it called to me like a siren song rife with redundancy. I had to see it, to perhaps come to understand why so many are stricken with DickensAustenBronteRemakeitis. And so I did, dear reader. And it was dreadful.

The NEW Wuthering Heights starts out like an episode of Cold Case Discovery Lovely Bones Files, in that the camera pans over a mysterious midnight moor. Creepy, yes, but not as creepy as Tom Hardy, who will soon appear with a wig stapled to his forehead.

The start of this Tom Waits video (aka NEW Wuthering Heights) pans down over Heathcliff (played by aforementioned Tom Hardy, with wig), who is in the middle of a dream in which Cathy is calling “Let me in! Let me in!” The viewer will immediately want to reply with “No, let me out! LET ME OUT!!”

After this not-riveting scene, The NEW Wuthering Heights quickly changes its course in comparison to all the billions and millions of of other adaptations before. It begins in the second half of the novel, when Cathy is already dead (lucky her) and her children and Heathcliff’s children are making woeful eyes at each other. Many struck with DickensAustenBronteRemakeitis, might cheer at this change of pace. But people too soon forget that there is a reason why so many other adaptations of Wuthering Heights skip over the second half of the novel. Because it’s fucking boring.

All boringest things aside (I guess), a usually forgotten character is introduced. Linton (wearing a pashmina, infected by FASHION MADNESS and a coughing disease) has just been told he must leave his uncle’s house for Wuthering Heights. His father, Heathcliff, awaits his return! Linton is terrified, and for good reason, because Heathcliff looks like The Cure.

Cathy’s daughter Catherine, is next to appear on screen. She is blissfully unaware that she is just as bitchy and self-involved as her mother. Yay! Continuity with Cathy’s Catherine! Not a moment too soon. Cathy’s Catherine, after inheriting her mother’s diary, runs off to the moors to do…stuff. She soon finds herself face to face with the foppish Trent Reznor (aka The Cure aka Heathcliff aka Tom Hardy WHAT is wrong with you?!).

Wigs Don't Cry

He’s all like “Let me swim the same deep waters as you” and she’s like “who are you” and he’s like, “You’re just like heaven.” But then he ACTUALLY says “I was acquainted with your mother.” Then he leers and you can tell his inner Heathcliff voice is saying “SEXUALLY.” Gross.

Girl, U Look So Good In Yo' Grave

Basically Tom Hardy (who was quite wonderful in The Virgin Queen), blusters around this adaptation with a riding crop and a bad case of Overactingitis (so many itises in this adaptation!). I have yet to see an adaptation (except for Lawrence Olivier), in which Heathcliff is properly presented as not just a jerk, but a cunning jerk whose idea of revenge is a bit more complicated than simply locking Cathy’s Catherine inside Wuthering Heights with two dumb schmucks (Linton and Hareton, respectively).

“Is this how you take your revenge?” Nellie demands when she confronts him about his nefarious plot. She forgets to add: “Lamely, with bad hair?”

But Heathcliff doesn’t just have revenge on his mind! Oh no, no, no! A few scenes later he’s robbing graves Dickens style. Specifically Cathy’s grave. So he can break open her coffin, lie on top of her, and caress her skull face. If you ever wanted to know what it would be like if Hamlet made out with a skull, this is your chance.

Necrophilia: Hip AND Sexual

Heathcliff comes back from his walk of shame after a night of skull fu–fondling to be stricken with flashbakitis. Dirty, raggedy Heathcliff recalls a simpler time when he was a dirty, raggedy child (just so you know, his previous flashback was in a field with Cathy, rolling around like they were in a perfume commercial). Time passes by the depth of his scowls, and soon he is old enough to manage to scowl AND skulk in his own little alley while Cathy flits around and pisses him off to no end.

Then other things happen. Such as Heathcliff acting like a jerk and Cathy acting like a brat. They do that a few times, breaking up the monotony, by running off to the moor and admiring blades of grass (while also filming for their new body lotion DESPERATION). They then come back to Wuthering Heights and make everyone else miserable.

Sound familiar? That’s because this (Wuthering Heights, 1939) has (Wuthering Heights, 1953) been (Abismos De Pasion, 1954) done (Wuthering Heights, 1967) before (Wuthering Heights, 1970). Repeat: this (Wuthering Heights, 1978) has (Hurlevent 1985) been (Onimaru, 1988) done (1991, Hihintayin Kita Sa Langit) before (Emily Bronte’s Wuthering Heights, 1992). Please (Wuthering Heights, 1999) stop (Sparkhouse, 2002), for (Wuthering Heights, 2003) the (Cime Tempestose, 2004) love (The Promise, 2007) of (Wuthering Heights, 2010) God.

You can change the title, you can put it in another language, you can make the characters sing horribly or switch their genders, or remove a narrator or add a narrator or change the timeline or change THE DECADE. It is STILL Wuthering Heights and it is still the story of two horrible selfish people who are in love and the people who enable them.

Eileen: But you know what the worst part of this version is?
Genevieve: All of it?

Yeah, I think we’re done here.

(Be sure to come back next month when Eileen reviews “Wuthering Heights on Ice!”)

I am sorry.

I am sorry that so many people these days claim they are Irish—on their great-great-grandmother’s side. Frankly, that’s annoying.

But most of all I am sorry after so many many years, American films still portray you as a backwoods buffoon full of leprechauns who gnaw on cornbeef and chug Shamrock Shakes.

Therefore, I suggest you take the film Leap Year to court for defamation of character. Below please find a list of grievances you may find useful:

GRIEVANCE 1 LEAP YEAR AS IRISH LEGEND

The film is actually based on the Bollywood film Jab We Met, which I have never seen but know is much better than this film. In Leap Year, Anna (played by Amy Adams) is desperate to marry her boyfriend because the plot says so. John Lithgow, still hungover from 3rd Rock From the Sun, plays her dad and rambles on about how her grandparents married because of the “Irish Legend” of leap year. This consists of when a woman “can” ask her boyfriend to marry her and he has to accept. Anna swiftly looks this up on the internet, and when she sees a video of said Leap Day Proposal (the woman has red hair, ‘natch), she decides this is The Best Idea and Romantic, instead of Stupid and Women’s Suffrage Was Pointless Cuz We Still Party Like It’s 1889.

Debunked by Snopes, the idea of a woman having to propose to her boyfriend on leap year in Ireland is pretty lame, especially when the legend supposedly started with Saint Brigid. That’s right, while Saint Brigid was helping lepers, she still took the time to think of a way for self-involved, whiny and narcisstic women like Anna to take a stand and ask their cardboard boyfriend to marry them in 1950—I mean—2010. This was definitely on Saint Brigid’s mind when she begged her father to let her join the nunnery!

GRIEVANCE 2 THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS TRANSPORTATION

Or a reliable car, or train, or ANYTHING that can get Anna from the “terrors” of Dingle to Dublin. Let’s see…Dingle..well, there’s Kerry Airport, Cork Airport, Bus Éireann service, Diarmuid and Delores Begley taxi service, Killarney and Tralee train stations, general rental car services, etc. etc. But then again these logical options wouldn’t give Declan the chance to woo Anna with his jerk-face attitude. And it makes much more sense for Anna and Declan to walk 122 miles (give or take) from Dingle to Tipperary. Wow, the screenwriters sure did a good job of avoiding a map of Ireland. Or a bus schedule. Oscar contender!

GRIEVANCE 3 A BRITISH ACTOR PLAYING AN IRISHMAN

Was Colin Firth and his eyebrows busy? Was Jonathan Rhys-Myers getting arrested at another airport? Was Cillian Murphy otherwise engaged in a creepy movie? Stuart Townsend? Aidan Turner? Padraic Delaney? Or any of the millions of other Irish actors out there? Sure Matthew Goode is dreamy, but that fades when he pronounces “Boston” like a braying sheep. If you’re going to have some dude fuck up an Irish accent, have Richard Gere do it.

GRIEVANCE 4 IRELAND DOES NOT HAVE THE INTERNET OR CELL PHONES

People in Ireland are too busy talking about superstitions and memorizing proverbs to get with the technical age. In fact, Ireland is so behind the times, Anna shuts off the entire electrical structure of Dingle by just plugging in her Blackberry. Silly Americans and their high-falutin gadgetry!

GRIEVANCE 4 THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A SUPERMARKET

The only thing refreshing about this film (other than the rum I doused by movie Coke with), is the fact that Declan can cook, which actually goes against the general stereotype of the Irish foraging on a meal of potatoes with a side of potatoes. However, this tidbit is negated when, instead of going to a supermarket (and really, how could they when there is no such thing as reliable transportation), Declan and Anna go to the backyard and magically find everything they need to cook a delicious meal! You see, in Ireland, everything comes from the LAND, including a variety of spices, such as Bullshit and the rare pepper Whathehell.

GRIEVANCE 5 IRELAND IS PRACTICALLY EMPTY

Ireland is so vast! And green! And everyone is a farmer so cities like Dublin are practically empty! Except if there is a wedding and then everyone is there, including a traditional Irish band like The Brombies, who will play traditional Irish music because that is what Irish people like at Irish weddings because they want to Riverdance!

For confirmation, here is a picture on the right of PRACTICALLY EMPTY IRELAND:

I am so glad there are not a lot of people in this picture obstructing my view of this adorable little country!

GRIEVANCE 6 PEOPLE FROM IRELAND ARE SHUT INS

Every character (except the leads) were either 1) old 2) senile (or old) 3) spouting off Irish Sayings from “The Irish Sayings Calendar, Now with Even MORE Quaintness!”

But one of the most shocking things in this film (other than the fact that it was made), is when Anna walks into Declan’s bar and his patrons don’t know she’s from America. Sure, you can show Ireland as a land frozen in time (1930s to 1940s), where everyone wears woolen caps and says “Top of the Morning!”; where you can’t share a bed with someone unless you’re married; where you can take a fishing boat from Wales to Ireland; where it’s bad luck to go anywhere any day of the week; where a pervy old couple will tell you to make out with the guy you are disgustedly attracted to because that will further the weak plot and the kiss will supposedly make up for him treating you like crap because he is SO dreamy; where train stations sans parking lot are situated in large fields near ancient castles and it is assumed that the train comes by once a week; where the guy who is supposedly in love with you will just stand idly by while you get robbed, but later will get you kicked out of a bar after he fights to get your stuff back and then heroically blames you; and where one of the top tourist towns in the country has only one inn where klutzy things happen!

But you know what? Every Irish person, great and small, has learned from a very young age the sound of an American’s voice, and to duck and cover, because that means there is an idiotic and insulting romantic comedy about their country in the works.

Pog mo thoin, Anand Tucker.

Recently I have been reading Pamela Paula’s Pornified, a book that argues that heterosexual porn is destroying friendships, family and male to female relationships. Paul writes that straight men who watch pornography lose interest and a  ability to connect emotionally and physically with their female partners.

An intriguing concept. And if Paula’s argument were true what would be the consequences? What would happen to future generations if these factors were true. I decided to write it out . Children’s book style.

Porny Bear
By Eileen

Illustrations
By Andrew

Once upon a time there was a boy named Billy. Billy was a good and handsome boy, raised in the cheese filled fields of Wisconsin.

But Billy, unlike other boys, had a secret. His father was Luther Libido, the most feared mad scientist in all of dairy land! Billy was often used as a test subject for his father’s experiments. Luther Libido fondly called him Guinea Pig.

One day, a week after Billy had turned thirteen, Luther Libido gave him a belated birthday present: Porny Bear, an amazing construct of high tech wizardry that fed a variety of HDTV quality porn through Porny Bear’s Cuddly Wuddly Tummy Scope.

Billy was enraptured. He barely slept or ate, and no longer tried to cop a feel from Sissy Sue (she was a notorious bedwetter anyways). He lost all interest in his dog Pavlov and no longer found joy in catching lobsters by the seaside (Wisconsin doesn’t have a sea) and putting them in boiling pots of water so he could hear them scream. Billy was no longer a regular boy!

But his father, Luther Libido was ecstatic! “Finally!” he stated after a long bout of evil laughter which all evildoers must complete before explaining his/her master plan. “I have found the tool to enslave all of mankind!”

Luther Libido quickly liquidated his 401k. However, the US had recently lost a big game of poker to China so it had already been confiscated by the government. Luther Libido was slightly sidetracked for a few years collecting cans, mowing lawns and robbing banks.

After a time he had enough money to invest in Porny Bears, and soon they were in every living room, bedroom, dining room and newly remodeled breakfast nook. The world grew silent. Children no longer played outside, teenagers stopped updating Myspace and parents halted in their art of loving condescension.

But Luther Libido was not as successful as he had hoped. In fact, Luther Libido failed to realize that the porn he had installed in each and every Porny Bear only appealed to the straight male demographic. And what with every straight man’s addiction to Porny Bear, they had all lost interest with Real Women, failing to continue to help procreate the human race.

“NO!” he cried when he had realized his error. “I should have realized that ‘Slut Bomb 7: Seven Wonders All Over Susie’s Face’ would only appeal to straight men!”

But it was too late. Specifically fifty years. Most of the straight male population had died out, still cuddled up to their Porny Bear to the end (causes of death: old age, heart attack, malnutrition and/or untreated hand sores).

After Luther Libido’s discovery, he quickly keeled over and died, whispering the name of his already dearly departed son, Guinea Pig.

So Luther Libido did not end the world, but he created a new and better one: A world full of puppies and ponies, rainbows and ray guns. And of women and gay men, who redecorated every home, saved every kitten from every tree and replaced Sunday not as the Day of Rest, but as a Day of Facials. Perhaps the human race would cease to exist, but at least everyone would die with clear pores.

THE END

Profession

• Garbage Inspector
• Gynecologist
• Sweatshop Manager
• Performance Artist (homeless)
• Sultan of Dubai’s Girlfriend

Hobby

• Hooking
• Taxidermy
• Playing Bradley Headstone at Dickens World
• Coupon Clipping Enthusiast
• Staring at Andrew

Who You Will Marry

• Bruce Willis circa 1989
• Andrew
• Ryan Reynolds
• Chad the Ex-Boyfriend
• Larry King

Children

• A Swarm
• Macaulay Culkin
• A Toothbrush
• Myriad of fluffy puppies

How You Will Die

• Twinkie Accident
• Run over by clown car
• ATM Explosion (hundreds everywhere!)
• Papercut to the femoris artery

End Result

Andrew will live in an apartment and will work as a Performance Artist (homeless). His hobby will be staring at Andrew, and he will be married to Andrew. He will have A Swarm for children and will die in an ATM Explosion (hundreds everywhere!).

* The napkin is real. The orangutan was not.