When we left Pierce Noonan, he was experiencing a day of terror. His housekeeper interrupts him: “Excuse me, sir? Why are you screaming over the half-filled bathtub?” and he’s all: “HAHAHAHAHHAAHA! What?” and she replies with: “Oh gosh, shucks, being from Maine country, I need to finish cleaning up this tub right quick so I can get home and rest my stereotype.”

She then helpfully expositions about what “Dark Score Crazy” means, but Pierce Noonan wants specifics: do people go crazy with Dark Score Crazy? (This guy has a terrible imagination for a writer.) The housekeeper reveals that all these men have in fact, gone crazy and have killed little girls!

“Oh wow, that’s gross, “ Pierce Noonan’s face says, “but Ms. Housekeeper, was my wife banging dudes in this cabin?” Are you serious, Pierce? I think the housekeeper is also offended, because she leaves. Noonan decides to take matters into his own hands and goes online to Goog–I mean, Interweb Detective “Dark Score Crazy.” He comes up with nothing, not even 4Chan can help him. So he promptly goes up to his wife’s old work room attic and trashes the shit out of it. Then he sniffs the bedsheets.

This happened.

Suddenly he discovers an attic ABOVE the attic. A super-attic? The attic attic has a collection of creepy owls, a desk chair, some lye and a adorable raccoon that nearly kills our hero. So close, Mr. Raccoon! Better luck next season.

Noonan then finds a bunch of books about Dark Score! He flips through them, and seems sort of bored because there’s no reference to his wife cheating on him. What the hell, secret books?

He delves deeper into the mysteries of Sara Tidwell. He manages to pull up on his iPad a video recording of her performing in the 1930s. And yet he can’t seem to Google (sorry “Interweb Detective”) “Dark Score Crazy.” The mysteries of life!

Mattie shows up and bounces around and reveals that her sole custody of KyRA is pretty much a lock because Max has been paying off KyRA’s ad-litem or something. I don’t see how this means that Mattie is now safe and clear from the custody battle, but, whatever, bouncy bouncy bouncy!!

Then Mattie sees a familiar face in Noonan’s family photo. It’s the man she saw at the coffee shop with Noonan’s wife Jo! Noonan laughs gloriously. What relief! That’s his brother, his GAY brother. Hahahaha! Yay! Gay Brother Sid!

Then then, Mattie, like any 21-year-old bouncy bouncy gives the nearest 60-year-old man a big kiss on the lips. Yum!

You taste like my dad.

Noonan walks back inside his house to find it trashed by the ghost of Sara Tidwell, and proceeds to do her one better by breaking her records. That’s right bitch, Pierce will always break more shit than you! He returns to his magical fridge magnets, still trying to decipher the code “Sid Own Lft” secretly wondering if that’s the name of the Swedish man who boned his dead wife.

He calls his Gay Eunuch Brother Sid and Sid makes a joke about “knocking boots” and Pierce is like “HAHAHAHA. No, seriously, do you know anything about a lift? Maybe something you put in a shoe or an elevator in a factory where my wife was banging some dude? No? Okay.”

Pierce runs into his favorite Lady Tree and is hitting on the tree hard core (my mom wishes she were that tree), he puts his hand on the tree’s stomach and she zaps him and he pukes. That is an efficient deterrent for tree rape! He’ll think better next time.

Not to sound SAPPY, but you look GOOD, Lady Tree.

Suddenly, Pierce runs into Max, his motorized wheelchair and his assistant Rogette up on a rocky cliff. Max gives a long soliloquy about whores and rotting butterflies and Pierce sums up the audience’s thoughts by saying “what the hell are you talking about?”

Max wants to know if Pierce is sure he wants “to be the little girl’s hero.” And Pierce is like “Enough of ye!” and then Rogette punches him in the face and he falls off the cliff into the water and he shouts “ARE YOU CRAZY?!” and Rogette goes “AH-ha! HAHAHA!” and throws stones at him and continues to cackle like a Chico’s mannequin witch while Max yells out at him about responsibility.

Nothing to see here! Just taking a daily cliff walk wheelchair stroll.

So Pierce jogs back to his house in his soaking wet clothes (my mom wishes she were those clothes) and instead of calling the police and filing a report about being punched off a cliff he picks up a package at his door that is later revealed to be copies of his new book and then JASON PRIESTLEY: AGENT OF TEEN DREAMS leaves a voice-mail saying that the package has copies of Pierce’s new book. Phew, I’m glad I received verbal confirmation about the thing I just saw!

Instead of calling the phone company to report his lost phone or using his iPad to report his lost phone, Pierce pours himself a drink and decides to play a relaxing game of Words With The Dead. He gets a visit from the local deputy who passes on a message from Max that he wants Pierce to agree to “cease all legal maneuvers and let Mr. Devore rest in peace.” There’s no “catch” Pierce just needs to call Max and “agree to the terms.”

Pierce Mike Noonan has the same “whatthefuck?” look on his face as the audience, but he calls Max anyway—which is weird because why doesn’t he send a special convoy with a special message? Was his Gay Brother Sid busy?

But instead of simply calling and agreeing to Max’s nonsensical FORESHADOWING deal, Pierce Noonan says Rogette is an ugly bitch and promises to ring her scrawny turkey neck. You can’t just punch ex-James Bond off a cliff and expect to get away from it verbally unscathed, Rogette!

So after all that delightful banter, Noonan agrees to Max’s terms of 1) ceasing his legal maneuvers which was really only five minutes of his time applying basic logic to a custody battle taking place in what appeared to be in the “VHS Tapes” section of a public library and 2) let Mr. Devore rest in peace, implying perhaps a knowledge of Pierce Noonan’s ability to make out with dead people and maybe Mr. Devore is a bit frightened of this happening because he’s not scared of a man-on-man embrace, no, not that at all, in fact, he yearns for the touch of Pierce Noonan, for his strong manly arms and the chance to touch that furry, masculine chest as Pierce kisses him with a burly fiery passion of sensual Irish fierceness.

OR, Max simply wants a promise that Pierce won’t drink a pack of Nattie Lights and pee on his grave. Could just be that.

In the next scene Rogette gives Max a bath. I am hacking to cough up a hairball that doesn’t exist. She shoots him up with some drugs and puts a plastic bag over his head and kills him. Girl, if you were looking for a promotion, you are going at it the wrong way.

Romantic interlude.

Then! Pierce has a dream and is transported back to the County Fair of the Past and he runs away with KyRA from some menacing white dudes into a barn with hay bales and empty whistling jars. He tells KyRA to just squeeze his hand tighter if she gets scared and she replies that she isn’t holding his hand and he turns and AHHH, A LITTLE BLACK GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Terrifying.

Sara appears and screams “CUSTODY HAS ITS RESPONSIBILITIES!” I don’t know if you should discuss responsibilities to a man who can’t even Interweb Detective a new phone.

Pierce wakes up because Mattie is calling! Max killed himself! Bouncy bouncy! They set a date for dinner and Pierce gets on his computer to find out it’s been THE SHINING-ED and it says “BAG OF BONES” everywhere!

WHAT DOES IT MEANNNNN?!?!

Whatever. Funeral! Pierce follows an old man wheelchair-ing away from the funeral to his conveniently located nursing home. The old man then reveals what really happened to Sara Tidwell. SURPRISE, SHE GOT GANG RAPED. So the menacing white guys at the county fair were all like, “aww, yeah! She’s hot and black, let’s all of us pull on our suspenders and run into her in the woods where she is smoking randomly and make racist comments and then gang rape her and OOPS THERE’S HER KID WITH A BASKET PICKING MOSS GOTTA DROWN HER.”

Before Max kills her, Sara curses the men, which means that all of their male descendants will drown their daughters. Here are some better curses:

1) Curse all the men who gang raped her to get gang raped and die.

2) Curse all the men who gang raped her to watch Bag of Bones 1 and 2 forever and ever. Until they die.

Pierce goes over to Mattie Bouncy Bouncy’s house and she licks her lips in the hallway and points to her apron that says “Kiss the Cook.” They suck face and her daughter appears: GIGGLE GIGGLE “READ ME MY BEDTIME STORY MR. MIKE I AM SO PRECOCIOUS, LOVE MEEEEE.”

Pierce reads KyRA a story and she reveals that she had a dream about Mr. Pierce, the SAME DREAM HE HAD. ZOMG. Instead of asking Pierce why he’s scared of black people, she refers to Sara as the “mad lady” and tells Pierce Sara’s daughter is her friend. The “mad lady” made her dad try to kill her. But whatever, finish story-time! She conks out by page two. No joke: all that giggling must have tuckered her out.

Mr. Pierce reveals the curse to Mattie Bouncy Bouncy. And Mattie in turn reveals that is why Jo never told Pierce she was pregnant because she feared he’d kill her daughter! Pierce is so relieved! “Thank you!” he says. Thank you? Thank you for telling me that I’m cursed and would have killed my child if it had the unlucky chance of being born a girl? (Also, please to note that in the novel, all the children are cursed to die, not just the girls. But who cares. This version will be a hit in China!)

They celebrate by making out and then Mattie gets SHOT IN THE FACE. SHOT. IN. THE. FACE. While making out. While swapping spit. You are wondering what sort of man would make out with some chick after talking about his glorious dead wife who passed away only a few months ago but then that chick gets SHOT IN THE FACE. WHILE MAKING OUT. Republicans, you have your new birth control.

I'm still very handsome.

Rather than yelling “are you kidding me?!” Mattie dies asks Pierce to take care of her baby and Pierce grabs a chicken tenderizer because that’s the best weapon you can find in a kitchen. Pierce hits the sniper in the head with the tenderizer a few times and finds KyRA awake and sobbing.

SOB SOB SOB. More evil bad guys to kill KyRA! It’s revealed that Max wanted custody of KyRA so he could kill KyRA but then when he realized that Pierce was around and his bloodline was also cursed, that he could kill himself because Pierce would end up killing KyRA anyways because she’s the last little girl of the bloodlines, even though she isn’t related to Pierce and Sara said the men would only kill their own daughters? Technicality I guess? That is some curse Sara.

CURSE NEGOTIATOR

But I guess the other dudes didn’t get Max’s memo that Pierce would be taking care of business because they shot KyRA’s mom and are now chasing Pierce down a rainy street. But luckily something even more logical happens when a sign is hit by lightening and falls onto the bad guys’ truck and kills them all!!

SOB SOB SOB. KyRA falls asleep again. She’s got the right idea. I want to fall asleep too. Pierce puts her to bed and walks downstairs where Sara’s ghost attacks him with a shitload of old records and the tub turns on, and Max’s ghost is taking a relaxing bath and referring to Pierce as Daddy and KyRA as whorelet. I’m only reporting the news, people.

Jo’s voice rises up, whispering “Lie Still Bag of Bones.” Pierce discovers that Jo is INSIDE HIS WRITING. And DOWN LFT SID means DOWN LEFT SIDE. “Owls Above Studio” is one paragraph and “Lie Still Bag of Bones” is “Lye will Still her Bag of Bones.” If Jo is in his computer, she has a virus.

Pierce runs to the sexy tree he’s been trying to sex and digs up Sara and her daughter and they are very well preserved, I must say. No bag of bones anywhere! Suddenly the tree starts to beat the shit out of Pierce with its branches and it’s hilarious. But then Jo appears and fights the evil demon Sara who was viciously raped and murdered and her child was killed before her very own eyes. Who cares, Sara! Lye all over their faces! GO TO REST, GHOSTS.

Jo tells Pierce she loves him and disappears. Pierce runs home and finds KyRA in the bathtub crying. Rogette is there and she is going to kill the little whorelet! Where is a tenderizer when you need it?! Pierce and Rogette fight over beard trimming scissors and KyRA cries and cries and cries but then Pierce stabs Rogette in the neck! Yay! Blood squirts all over! KyRA’s mother Mattie appears out of the water and says goodbye to her daughter. Get ready for therapy for the rest of your life, KyRA. I hope you get a good discount.

Wow, policemen are here! They haven’t been around for all the other unexplained murders, but it’s never too late. KyRA tells Pierce that her dead mom said that he’s going to be her dad now, and he’s ready to be a father! Finally, 150-something-year-old Pierce has grown up! Then they decide to go paddling on Dark Score Lake where little girls were drowned. (Also, don’t forget Kyra almost drowned. Twice.)

THE END.

Questions I have:

• Why?

———-

Eileen hopes you enjoyed her Bag of Bones review, you little whorelet.

Our story begins with a helicopter shot of dangerous and evil Maine foliage interspersed with scenes of drowning little girls, a funeral, a floating cell phone and a bunch of white boys running around. Is this a new Insane Clown Posse music video?

No! It’s Bag of Bones, the horror/mystery thriller of our time! Or, our something. It also means that Pierce Brosnan plays Mike Noonan and he is going to ACT your PANTS OFF. Or at least your mother’s pants. She thinks he’s dreamy.

Hey there, Eileen's mom.

Anyways, Pierce Noonan wakes up his wife Jo (Annabeth Gish) to let her know he has finished his book. He is wearing freshly pressed khakis with a matching freshly showered face. I call bullshit. A writer who has just finished his/her book staggers from the dark quagmire of trashed coffee cups and dried carcasses of lean cuisine boxes to emerge smelling like the unwashed rebels of the French revolution (just as elated, and just as bloody).

But whatever! Annabeth Jo finishes up the last lines of Pierce Noonan’s novel as he dictates something about “chains around her neck” and he gets all frisky up in her space. I love it when a guy makes me type for him and whispers stuff about strangulation. Edmund Kemper me all night long!

Ladies, he's single!

Whatever, they bang off camera I guess. Then it’s book signing time! Jo is totally bored and excuses herself and says she is going to get some lunch. Instead, she heads across the street and finds a pregnancy test right next to the household cleaners. Not a good sign.

Jo decides not to pick up floor wax to give her vagina that all important shine. She’ll buy that at Walgreens.

She runs across the street and BAM, hit by a car and dead. She what happens when you lie to your husband?

Pierce is super sad, but also suspicious because Jo had that pregnancy test in her bag. How could she be pregnant, he’s 150 years old! I mean: “I have  low-sperm count.”—Pierce Noonan

There’s a funeral AND JASON PRIESTLEY. He is so excited to be here, you guys! He is going to give his best Brendan Walsh as a slightly sleazy book agent impression ever! “Mike, your book is selling like hot cakes! It’s your best ever! Is it too skeezy for me talking about book sales at your wife’s funeral? Yes! But she would have wanted it that way because something something money success!”

Would you trust this man with your book?

Pierce joins his brother Sid for a drink and laments on his dead wife and how the hell could she be pregnant because the doctor said Pierce had already gone through man-o-pause. But if they had a girl they would have named her Kya. Did you hear that? Kya. Kya. KYA.

Pierce: Jo must have been cheating, Sid! But what about that lake house in our family you sold your share of to me? Yes, there are going to be a lot of abrupt changes of subject throughout this mini-series, Sid, so get used to it.

Sid: I’m totally used to it so I’m going to switch back to talking about Jo and how she was super faithful to you and you should trust me and not think your wife was a big whore.

Pierce: I just hope she wasn’t too lonely out there on Dark Score Lake.

Sid: What? Okay now I’m confused. Your wife was going to the lake house that I sold my share of to you?

Pierce: Yes. I hope she wasn’t lonely up there and needed someone up there to keep her company in that dump we inherited from our grandfather that I only visited once or twice but she went to suspiciously a lot of the time.

Sid: Why was she always at your lake house alone? Weren’t you happily married and aren’t you a very rich author who can come and go as he pleases? Also isn’t it weird how you have this lofty British Irish accent and I sound like I’m from New Haven?

Pierce has a few nightmares, like finding Jo under his bed, or discovering a coffin in the woods with a ringing phone. How Twin Peaks! He breaks some shit and wakes up. He is very depressed and can’t finish his book tour and breaks some more shit and goes home and stares at screen-savers of his dead wife.

He gets a call from PRIESTLEY who informs him that the spring fiction list is getting a little full: Grisham and Patterson are releasing books too! What?! This is terrible news! We all know the insatiable hunger people have for thrillers and books with snakes stuck up women’s vaginas.

“Pierce,” Priestley says, while caressing his cover of Teen Beat’s 1991 “Adult Men Playing Teenagers in Hit 90s Shows” “some writers stockpile like squirrels, what do you call those books that you write when you were young and hungry and your sperm count was high?”

“Trunk novels,” Pierce replies.

He opens a cabinet and pulls out a stack of aged papers wrapped with rubber bands called “RED SHIRT MAN — FIRST DRAFT.” Instead of saying “Hey I HAVE one of those!” he complains about writing a novel in three months. But…you have the first draft…and you have three months…and writing is your full time job…

“Well you get clickety-clacking!” Brendan Walsh says.

Pierce has another dream in which he’s wearing a jean shirt/jeans combo (lookin’ fly) and is in front of his sound-stage lakehouse at Dark Score. A little girl runs out wearing a red swimsuit and a Red Sox cap (REPRESENT!), a woman screams and the windows explode. He wakes up and gets a call from the lakehouse caretaker and finds out the windows have exploded in REAL LIFE. This happened to me once. I had a dream I got a flat tire and the next morning I got arrested! Dreams reveal so much.

Pierce decides the nightmare is the hint he needs to go stay at the lakehouse. Because the best idea for an alcoholic man with writer’s block who is dealing with his wife’s tragic death should certainly be to go stay at a remote cabin in the woods that he just had a nightmare about! Very smart! Bestselling author!

Pierce arrive at the town of Dark Score, which looks like this:

Behold:

The Town of No One Cares

Dark Score is sparsely populated by three or four actors outsourced from the local community college acting troupe. Oh well, not suspicious at all! Pierce goes to Dark Scorecard Lake and it’s very creepy and his handyman is also creepy and wearing flannel and tells Pierce he looks like his granddad, Harold. Harold, his granddad. It’s important because it’s repeated. Oh and I mean Pierce’s granddad, not the handyman’s granddad. Though, they are in Maine, so it’s entirely possible.

Pierce and the handyman go inside and the house décor is Very Pier 1 Plus a Moosehead Wearing a Bell. They talk about the moosehead with a bell hanging over the fireplace and about how when he and Jo banged on the couch she said they were “ringing his bell” and he and the handyman laugh and are gross. Soon Pierce is alone and cries over a small guitar.

Yup.

The next few scenes involve Pierce feeling up the following inanimate objects:

• His wife’s dress that a possible adulterer would wear
• A painting
• His mousepad
• A tree shaped like a woman

He goes home and holy crap, the alphabet magnets on the fridge are moving and say “Hello Mike!” Why do two grown adults have kid alphabet magnets? Are there KIDS in the house? Oh God, I’m scared!

Pierce soon realizes that his wife’s ghost is with him in the house. Yay, not kids!! He’s drunkenly excited that his wife’s ghost is trapped with him on earth. No “until death do us part” for you, Jo! But that realization is quickly followed by a ghostly female screeching so loudly she breaks Pierce’s favorite drunk glass. “We’re not alone, are we Jo?” Pierce wonders.

Of course not, Pierce, remember the Moosehead you two fucked under?

The housekeeper shows up. She’s all “Sorry to bother you Mr. Noonan, gosh shucks don’t you know….I’m Brenda, your housekeeper! I’m here to clean the place up though it’s pretty much spotless; actually I’m gonna exit this scene and provide much needed back-story in Part Two. Bye!”

Brenda heads back to the TV lot break room to chill with the rest of the acting troupe. Pierce goes a drivin’ and sees the little girl from his dream,  walking down the middle of the road. He saves her from an oncoming car and then meets her mother Mattie. Mattie is very peppy, it’s like the head captain of the pep rally and she murdered that head captain and drank all of her blood.

Mattie tells Pierce her daughter’s name and Pierce thinks she says “Kya.” No, silly, it’s “KYRA,” there’s an “r” in there that stands for “this is a symbol” (I’m bad at spelling).

Pierce goes to Buddy Jellison’s and orders a village burger. How quaint! So is the country music playing on the radio. What is not quaint is some old dude who chats Pierce up and tells him that Mattie can be a “a dear—in the right position.” What? First the moose sex and now the deer joke. Oh Maine, the great state of bestiality.

Then the old guy leaves and Buddy is like “You’d do well to keep your distance from Mattie.” Are these people subscribing to some sort of “Town Skanks 411” new forum?

Don’t Google that.

Whatever, who cares about these weirdos, unless they know about Peirce’s wife cheating on him! “Why are you so interested in who your wife was seeing?” “I don’t know—I just wanted to know what her life was like when I couldn’t make it up here for reasons not explained and really I want to know if she was banging anybody because I’m 150 years old and there is no way I could have gotten her pregnant.”

Buddy is not buying this:

Say what?

And then Buddy does the patented “Let me change the subject without a smooth transition.” He rambles on about Mattie Devore (WHORE) and how she’s trouble but the waitress pipes in that Mattie isn’t trouble she’s IN trouble—with the wrong crowd. Seriously, how does this ever happen that you go to a restaurant and you order something at the restaurant and some old dude at the restaurant mentions a woman you just met and you don’t even ask how the hell he saw you meet the woman because it was around the corner from the restaurant and his view was blocked by a window shade in that restaurant and the owner of the restaurant doesn’t think it’s weird either and he just goes on and on about it and the waitress adds in her opinion and you just want to know if your wife is banging another dude, okay?! OKAY?! Now where is my quaint-ass village burger?!

We learn Mattie is the daughter in law of Max Devore, a multi-millionaire who is suing for custody for KyRA.

Here he is with his assistant for his daily evil window stare:

Very normal behavior.

Pierce returns to his quiet haunted house and grabs a drink. You know what goes well together? Alcoholism and ghosts. He gets a call from Max. Pierce doesn’t seem to be concerned that a man who was staring at him from a window has his phone number. He’s all like “Oh hai, what’s up, yeah I met your daughter-in-law that everyone thinks is trouble. Hey, do you happen to know if my wife was cheating on me?”

The conversation takes a turn for the angry, and Pierce hangs up the phone and Max laughs because he’s evil. Pierce hears a song from his basement and goes downstairs. There’s an old timey record player playing music and an album next to it by a singer named Sara Tidwell. Pierce recognizes the picture as the same portrait his wife was painting.

Suddenly he’s dreaming he’s at a carnival and a lady is on stage singing! It’s Sara Tidwell and she is bringing down the house in her best frock from Dress Barn’s “This is the Past” collection. Everyone is really into the show, like at a Belinda Carlisle concert. Some young guys look like they are into it in a more sexual sense. Thank God for well placed hay bales. Then Pierce has another dream that involves him making out with Sara Tidwell, but she turns into a corpse! Then then his dead wife is next to him and they make out, and she’s a corpse! Then then then he wakes up with Mattie in his bedroom and they make out but she has a gaping wound in her head! Excellent, a little variety.

Pierce wakes up and realizes there is no necrophilia option so he must be awake for real this time. He goes to KyRA’s child custody hearing and is questioned about finding KyRA in the middle of the road. Max, played by an American Stephen Hawking, shows up with Cruella de Vil’s Cousin Beatrice. After the meeting, Mattie reminisces to Pierce about seeing Jo and a man having dinner once and Pierce is all like “DID YOU SEE HER BANGING SOME OTHER DUDE?”

Pierce goes home and there’s a montage of him writing. Zzzzzzz. Then there’s the sound of bathtub running and he goes in and KyRA’s corpse grabs him and screams “HELP!! I’M DROWNING!!! HELP I’M DROWNING!”

Pierce leans in and whispers, “Hey, do you know if my wife was cheating on me?”

Kidding! I wish he did though.

Questions I have:

• How does Pierce get his hair to look so full and summertime fresh? I bet it smells like lemons.
• If Pierce thought going to Dark Score Lake House would cure his depression over his wife’s death, does that mean I should sleep over at an abandoned lunatic asylum to cure my eczema?
• Is feeling up trees a federal offense? It should be.

Next Month: Bag of Boners Part Two: Pierce Breaks More Shit

———-

Ugh, James Patterson.

Excerpt from Plain Fear: Forsaken: A Novel

Americans are intrigued by insular cultures. I have a staunch belief that it’s not because they “look different” or act in ways our general population doesn’t act, but because these cultures ignore us and we don’t know why. “HELLO, AMISH? IT’S AMERICA. WHY AREN’T YOU RETURNING MY PHONE CALLS? WHY DON’T YOU LIKE MY MOVIES ABOUT EXPLOSIONS AND MY RESTAURANTS WITH ICE CREAM BACON BURGERS? ANSWER THE DOOR!!”

So we go and stare. We want Bengal tigers at the zoo and Egyptian artifacts at the museum to know that we are there, and we are Americans, better than you and staring at you and damn it, recognize that! (What we won’t go stare at: Native American Reservations. We don’t want to be reminded about that little gaffe.)

One of our famous stare past-times is the Amish. The Amish fascinate and titillate a majority of people. It’s why Witness was such a hit in the 80s and Weird Al’s Amish Paradise made us all laugh in the 90s. Attempts on cashing in on other groups, like those in Hasidic Judaism, did not bear as delicious fruit (hello, A Stranger Among Us), and I have yet to see a sexy film or song dedicated to the Quakers.

Overdue for a book deal.

Yup, the Amish have that somethin’ somethin’. Which is why it should come as no surprise that the novel Plain Fear: Forsaken takes one part Amish, and adds another part VAMPYRE. Really, there have been murmurings of the idea, farcical or not, for quite awhile. The Twilight series is practically one long summary of Mormon ideals, so why not continue using blood-thirsty monsters as a platform for religious inspiration and morals? Frankly, it’s no surprise someone has finally taken a bite into it (zing!).

This book is not about Amish sex ghosts. Sorry.

So. Forsaken. It’s over four-hundred pages long. What could possibly take up over four-hundred pages in a vampire-Amish-inspirational-paranormal romance novel? Quotes. Quotes from Shakespeare, Wordsworth and of course, The Bible.

We need to get this out of the way: The Bible is never sexy. Even though it is full of sex, it is not sexy. It’s like you grandmother Irene dancing around in her underwear. Sure, she has experience, but it’s not sexy.

Therefore, Forsaken leans much more on the inspirational side, and less on the butter-churn groping romance side. There’s some chaste kissing, and at one point, someone’s rib gets felt up (that’s like–half base?), but it’s as sexless as Liza Minnelli and David Gest’s wedding night.

Let’s get to the plot. The novel opens with a prologue, and the character Jacob, blah blah blahing about his trip to New Orleans. As a young Amish person, he is taking his rumschpringes (also known as Time Out). But he’s had to take a break from swilling yards of alcohol and selling his virginity for Mardi Gras beads to run away from a vampire! He hopes he lives so he can return to his true love, Hannah. He is in the midst of thinking about how great and perfect she is, when he finds a drunk homeless man and wonders if he should rescue him from the vampire:

“Could this old drunk be a sacrificial lamb? His salvation? Could he serve as a decoy? The decision came easily. Too easily. Jacob took one step away. Then another. Rationalizations paved his escape. Who would miss this drunk? No one would blame Jacob for abandoning him, leaving him in the path of those who were coming.” (3)

Jacob sounds like a great guy!

Two years later, it turns out Jacob is dead. Or missing? Probably dead. Boo. Hannah is really sad about it, not knowing that Jacob is a self-involved, homeless man abandoning douche. (Okay, fine, he does save the homeless guy. After he thinks about how disappointed his father would be in him. Nothing like a potential hero who does good deeds so other people don’t get pissed off and take away his horse buggy.)

Hannah works part-time at a bakery, which makes sense because she smells like one, “he couldn’t get enough of her. Of her kiss, her sweet, apple-turnover scent…” (323).

Other than being a walking pastry, Hannah is standard, run of the mill, pure and virginal boring heroine who does nothing but grieve over her dead Amish fiancee, yearn over her unrequited secret desire for his brother, and agonize over the vampire lurking in the fog behind the barn. If Hannah were a tree, she’d be a pine (zing!)

The vampire in question is Akiva. Akiva wears a black leather jacket and kills racist homophobics. This means he is a just killer, and we should sort of like him, because that guy deserved it! Why, I love driving through KKK meetings in a monster truck, smashing everyone. Yup, murder is totally justified if you’re killing someone because of their beliefs.

Her dead fiancee’s brother is Levi. He has a strong jaw and secretly loves Hannah and one time saved her from drowning in some creek but her dead fiancee took all the credit. Wow, Jacob is really something. Too bad he’s dead. (Or missing?)

But wait! He’s not dead, missing, or even alive! He’s the vampire Akiva. And he wants Hannah to join him in the leather-jacket-wearing-undead life. At first she’s totally into it because he took her to a Vivaldi concert. But everyone is staring at them and she feels uncomfortable because people are always looking at her because she’s Amish. Akiva reveals he bought all the rows around them so she couldenjoy the music. He is so obsessed with Hannah and knows her inner most thoughts and feelings but forgot that the one thing she hates the most is being stared at by strangers? Oops! Think he’ll still get to half base?

You’re probably wondering: how did Hannah not know Akiva was Jacob this whole time? Well she was “coated with a haze,” (326) which means Akiva probably mesmerized her, or she was high. And if she works in a bakery, she is in for some fun times!

Oops, I forgot. There’s a detective. Roc Girouard. Roc is from New Orleans, so he has no idea what an Amish person is. All he knows is there is a dead girl’s body with a bonnet in his district, so she must be Amish (or her sexy nun costume went horribly awry). Also, Roc’s wife was killed by a vampire maybe? And this maybe Amish murder is similar? And someone else died? And some animals? So there’s a vampire out there killing Amish people and cop wives and animals?

“My wife reads them Amish romances,” explains one of Roc’s cop buddies  “She tells me all about them folks.” (19). Roc’s detective co-worker offers to loan Roc his wife’s books so he can learn more about the Amish. Instead of going to the library. Or looking it up on the internet.

Detective research.

“The Amish,” Brody cut him off, “don’t they live up in Pennsylvania?”
“Nah…My wife…she says they live all over. Ran out of land in Lancaster County seems. And they gots big ol’ honkin’ families. So they buy up land in other places.” (19)

LATER, IN LANCASTER COUNTY: Roc insinuates himself into Amish society. Translation: he hangs out with a bunch of Amish teens at the drive-in movie theater. If there is anything less suspicious than an Englisher mugging around your standoffish society, it’s that.

He then meets a mysterious, seductive woman who has pale skin, dark hair, and wears her sunglasses at night.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X2LTL8KgKv8

They exchange the following dialogue:

“You are one determined man.”
“I can be.”
“I like that in a man.”

Then the mystery woman licks her lips and trails her finger down between her boobs. This scene is the definition of subtle.

“She was stunning, striking, with her dark hair and skin that looked as silky as satin sheets and instantly brought to mind images of lingerie.” Roc’s favorite, in fact, were the Hello Kitty ones, bright pink and fluffy, so very soft against his hardened cop skin. When he slipped them on, he felt so pretty…

Turns out this very sexy lady, Camille, is a vampire! I’m shocked. She also turned Jacob into a vampire! I actually never discovered why she was after the Amish (and random cop wives), but maybe that’s because Camille mesmerized me. Or I’m stoned.

So! Levi, Roc and Hannah team up to destroy the vampires! Roc tells Hannah a very sad story about Hurricane Katrina and his wife’s death. He admits that after all the horrors he had seen, he had lost the will to live. Hannah replies “What does this have to do with Jacob? With Snowflake?”

Thanks, Hannah, for proving that no matter how pious you are, you can still be an asshole.

RIP Snowflake

Hannah sobs over Jacob/Akiva and a dead farm animal, then ends up between a bitter battle between Camille and Jacob/Akiva. Should they kill her or turn her? Kill her! Sadly, my vote doesn’t count and Jacob/Akiva decides to turn her.

But then Levi and Roc show up and kill both the vampires! See you guys, no matter what culture we live in, men are always here to save defenseless women sobbing over undead boyfriends and very dead ponies.

And that’s it! Roc returns to New Orleans, Hannah and Levi decide to wed, and everyone returns to their original places in the world, knowing that love always triumphs (412) and maybe something about how we should accept people for their differences? Oh, but we killed those people because they were murderers. Anyways, love always triumphs, you guys!

———-

Eileen would stake an amish vampire for a ice cream bacon burger right now. But hold the bacon. And the burger.

The best part of my Halloween ritual is watching scary movies. Sure, there’s Nightmare on Elm Street, Saw, or The Blind Side, however, I love when a film is both frightening and involves corsets (which is why I’m looking forward to The Awakening and The Woman in Black).

While there are many great period piece short stories and novels adapted to film/TV with a touch of the supernatural (The Lady’s Maid’s Bell by Edith Wharton, The Woman in White by Wilkie Collins) The Turn of the Screw has been adapted more so than most. And boy, are there some stinkers. Let’s look at a few! (Wheeeeee!)

Background: The Turn of the Screw was published in 1898, and is about a governess and her frightening experiences with her two charges, Miles and Flora at Bly, a country estate outside of London. The novella is nebulous at best in regard to whether or not the governess is dealing with an evil, ghostly presence, or her own fleeting sanity. This is delicious fodder for lit critics, and gives a screenwriter the opportunity to explore the narrative discourse. Or, to just have an excuse to make Valerie Bertenelli’s skirts really really large:

The Bert in "The Haunting of Helen Walker"

That’s right. Valerie Touched By An Angelli. She starred in The Haunting of Helen Walker. This is probably the lesser known of The Turn of the Screw adaptations, and it is my favorite. Check this out:

Thank God for Depends, right?

The Haunting of Helen Walker, made in 1995 and broadcasted many a time on Lifetime, focused on one of Henry James’ themes of the sexual oppression of women in the Victorian age. In this version, the governess is a bit older, an American widow looking for a fresh start. Helen Walker longs for children, and Valerie Bertinelli plays the title role: a moralistic woman who likes to sneak into people’s bedrooms only to find Ye Olde Porn.

Aww yeah. That's the stuff.

(Kudos to whoever decided to make Helen Walker American and save Bertinelli from the embarrassment of taking on a British accent.)

Helen, like most of the governesses in The Turn of the Screw adaptations, is charmed into taking the position by Miles and Flora’s unnamed sexy-faced uncle, either played by Colin Firth (The Turn of the Screw, 1999), Mark Umbers (The Turn of the Screw, 2009), or Paul Rhys (Haunting of Helen Walker).

Rawr.

While Firth, Rhys and Redgrave (The Innocents) play the Master as a disinterested bachelor, who, by default is an attractive ladies’ man, Umbers decided to go all out and take his role into Sexual Harassment Territory:

(One of) the best(s) part of this film is that the role of governess is played by Michelle Dockery, a wonderful actress, but very miscast in a role that involves more quiet reflection and dutiful servitude. Her “Fuck Off” face is in full swing in this scene, and throughout the 2009 adaptation.

The Many Bitchfaces of Michelle Dockery

Also in this adaptation? Crows. Lots and lots of crows. To create creepy ambiance I suspect, or an inkling that Bly is in desperate need of some scarecrows. (I’ve been to England a few times, and I don’t remember a large crow population, perhaps I need to spend more time in drafty mansions and less time under overpasses.)

Speaking of awesome faces and strange, beady-eyed things, how about that Julian Sands?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NzzyDTR9rUA

This is the 1992 version, set in the 1960s with Julian Sands thinking it’s Pirate Week. His version of the Master (Mr. Cooper in this clip), is one of disaffected interest. With a leopard rug.

Also, the movie trailer for the 1992 version deserves so much love, if only for the end in which Peter Quint sounds like he farted, and he got really angry about it.

Awesome asides aside, the Master, named or unnamed, represents a freedom the governess cannot have, because of her class and gender. Not only does she yearn to bang him, she wants to have his autonomy. In all of these films, the governess is locked into a life of loneliness that she does not want, but must live with. This is a breeding ground for mental instability.

OR to see a dead groundskeeper (Peter Quint) roaming around the halls, trying to cop a feel. (And in the case of the 2009 version, for him to rape everything.)

The governess soon realizes that the last governess, Miss Jessel, drowned in a nearby lake. She and Peter Quint were lovers, and the present governess soon comes to believe that both Quint and Jessel are trying to possess the children so that they can be reborn and engage in creepy sibling hugs.

In the 2009 version, Quint gets his rape on with the female staff, and throws a few down the stairs for good measure. (By the way, this version is set in the 1920s, when ladies had a bit more female progressiveness than in the Victorian years. Peter Quint is a creation of the sexually repressed 19th century, not the age of jazz and bitchface.)

For the most part, The Turn of the Screw adaptations sit in the realm of ghost story (except for the Julian Sands version. I have no earthly idea where that sits. In the back of the classroom I guess, with a dunce-cap.) With Jodhi May in Turning of The Screw (1999), there’s no doubt that it is a psychological drama (a la The Yellow Wallpaper). The governess has completely gone off the deep end, whether from other issues that have threatened to break for years, or an unrequited obsession with the Master. The ghosts, it seems, are just a production of her mind. While Deborah Karr (The Innocents) deftly balances this question of insanity or an actual haunting, the director of the 1999 version told May to just go full shaking baby syndrome:

(This Peter Quint is not as frightening as Christopher Guard’s version or Peter Wyngarde’s. He’s more like a disgruntled handyman who is sick of you clogging your toilets with discarded iPhones.)

But whether or not your Peter Quint is Depends-scary, the conclusion of the novella, when the governess confronts Miles about the haunting in Bly, is truly the most disturbing part of any successful adaptation. Of course, The Innocents is pitch perfect in this last scene. While other versions are serviceable, none are more hilariously ridiculous than the 2009 version. Yes, it has lots of crows, and is set in the wrong era (described as a “bold re-imagining” by BBC Controller of Drama Commissioning Ben Stephenson, who is probably very scared of crows), but the classic narrative is framed by another story, that of Dr. Fischer (played by Dan Stevens, who would later join Dockery in the fabulous Downton Abbey and they probably laughed and laughed about this adaptation over drinks) who visits the governess (Dockery) in the mental asylum before she’s put to death for the unsolved murder of Miles.

Wait, what?

Oh and did I mention all the rape?

Ummmmmm...

While I understand the recent changes of BBC to focus on period pieces that take place after the 19th century, Henry James’ The Turn of the Screw is deeply entrenched in the culture and mindset of the 19th century personality. Sure, it’s fine to take the skeletal themes and ideas of The Turn of the Screw, but then call it something completely different, like In a Dark Place, or The Haunting of Helen Walker, where you are free to take narrative liberties and drown Valerie Bertinelli in a sea of taffeta:

That dress is as wide as the fireplace. Lookin' good, Bert!

One thing that is never clear in any of these adaptations is this: who is Miss Jessel? She’s supposedly a woman who falls in love with this:

Eeesssh.

And ends up murdered or killing herself to become this:

What up?

The answer to who Miss Jessel was is never discovered. There are some very academic findings, however: She was beautiful (The Innocents). She was SUPER beautiful (The Haunting of Helen Walker). She was all about bangin’ Peter Quint (The Turn of the Screw, 1992, The Turn of the Screw, 2009). She was bi-sexual (In a Dark Place). One can only assume, then, that Miss Jessel acts as a foil to the new governess’s sexual and autonomous desires.

So, what’s my recommendation for the bestest, most scariest The Turn of the Screw adaptation? The Innocents. I hate to admit it (Valerie, I love you!!) but it’s a classic. (God, I’m boring.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5mfy8j8qaIU

Okay, so some of you might be asking “I love a good ghost story, but I hate the past. What about a modern interpretation? Something with boobs and big cat eyes and a really awkward lesbian sex scene?”

How about Leelee Sobeski in In a Dark Place?

This is not a bathrobe. I don't care what the script says.

Um, nevermind.

And there you have it, a bunch of Turns of the Screws, available for your viewing pleasure. And let me add that I’ve never seen Presence of Mind and this makes me very, very sad. It’s set in Spain but with Harvey Keitel and Sadie Frost is dressed in velour:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gd12CsxPOdc

I can only hope someday it will be bestowed upon me as a wedding present or I’ll find it in some bargain bin at CVS, right underneath Santa With Muscles starring Hulk Hogan.

Truly, the scariest film of them all.

To review!

The Innocents (1961)–Starring Deborah Kerr
The Turn of The Screw (1992)–Starring Julian Sands, doing his best Julian Sands impression. (Seriously, the movie trailer is amazing.)
The Haunting of Helen Walker (1995)–Starring the Bert and a lot of hoop skirt.
Presence of Mind (1999)–Starring Sadie Frost, ex-Mr. Frost and Harvey Keitel. In Spain.
The Turn of The Screw (1999)–Starring Jodhi May and Colin Firth (for five minutes).
In a Dark Place (2006)–Starring Leelee Sobieski, who has just given up, and Tara FitzGerald, who is slumming it.
The Turn of the Screw (2009)–Starring Michelle Dockery and everyone’s boyfriend Dan Stevens. (Alternate title: Rapetown: A Ghost Story)
———-

On Halloween night, Eileen likes to dress up like Miss Jessel and stand under your bedroom window. Don’t wave to her. She likes to stay in character.

Well, to heck with her well-thought-out and logical opinions! I want praise, and I want it printed on a shiny cover with my name on it. I’ve been working hard to collect my own blurbs for my future novel. Here is a brief sampling:

“Sexy but not rapey.”–Eileen’s Mom

“A Good Source of Fiber.”–U.S. Food and Drug Association

“Eileen looks so skinny in her author photo! How many layers of SPANX is she wearing?”–Alison Burke, Defenestration Contributor

“Ms. Lavelle’s book is in accordance with her probation.”–Carmen Ortiz, Massachusetts District Attorney

“It’s a book!”–Eileen’s Dad

“I don’t hate this.”– Genevieve Valentine

“I promise not to use this as a fly swatter. Maybe.”–Tanith Lee

“I like the refreshing sincerity of the male protagonist. However, I’d like him even more if he were made out of jelly beans.”–Andrew Kaye, Editor in Chief of Defenestration

“Ms. Lavelle is a valued customer at Price Club!”–Susie Kendrick, Store Manager

“This novel has been marked as size ‘irregular.’”–T.J.Maxx

“The emotion emitting from these pages is so glorious I will feel somewhat guilty when I use them as napkins.”–Christopher Eatman, Defenestration Columnist

“I enjoyed the zombie drag queen story I wrote in the margins of this book.”–Jonathan Harper, Defenestration Columnist

———-

Eileen is hard at work on her novel “Hunt for the Raspberry Barbarian.” Look for it in imaginary bookstores nowhere!

With his good looks and dead baby jokes, Jonathan soon became a force to be reckoned with! Today, many admire his work as a writer, and long for a taste of his scrumptious Betty Ann pancake (that is not a euphemism).

In short, Jonathan is the bestest. So, I often wonder if actor Ray Stevenson deserves Jonathan’s love. Sure, Mr. Stevenson is of Irish descent, which means he is the perfect combination of sexy and molesty. Yes, he has received accolades for his work in television, film and stage. And true, his nipples are so hard they can probably cut glass…but I am just not convinced!

Are you good enough, Stevenson? ARE YOU?!

Therefore, Jonathan’s birthday gift this year will NOT be a Fraggle Rock t-shirt, a gift certificate to an independent bookstore, or Joan Osbourne locked away in his Emily Dickinson attic, forced to provide mood music while he creates tomes of greatness. No, indeed! Instead I will devote this column to scrutinizing Mr. Stevenson’s characters in his finest media appearances, to determine if he’s good enough for my Jonathan!

Return of the Native (1994)

Love in the afternoon.

Our first foray into Ray Stevenson fandom begins with this adaptation of Thomas Hardy’s sixth novel Return of the Native. Mr. Stevenson stars as Clym Yeobright, and if that name doesn’t turn you on, then there is something wrong with you!

Aside from having the SEXIEST name, Clym is a well-to-do dude who makes the mistake of falling in love with Eustacia Vye, who views Clym as her ticket out of their small, hay covered town. The adaptation is rather straightforward, with Clive Owen glaring it up as Damon Wildeve, and Mr. Stevenson being as sweet as saccharine. His scenes generally involve him smiling his beatific smile and running his well-formed hands through his glorious locks, as if he is auditioning for a Ye Olde Pantene Pro-V commercial. He’s kind, gentle, trustworthy, loyal and boring. He is the Millard Filmore of Thomas Hardy characters. No thank you! Jonathan needs a man with fire in his skillet.

Worthiness Rating (Victorian Style)

Impregnate him and then send him to a convent!

King Arthur (2004)

Mr. Stevenson preps for his future role in Rome in this loose as a hooker adaptation of King Arthur/Camelot. He also rejoins his Return of the Native co-star Clive Owen. Do you think Clive and Mr. Stevenson ever reminisced? “Remember when we starred in that Hallmark made-for-TV movie? Man, Catherine Zeta Jones was hot–who knew she’d be more into older guys who seem perfectly nice but also seem perfectly creepy. Maybe I shouldn’t have watched Wall Street on mute with Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon playing.”

Anyways, the film has a lot of mist and stabbing and a little bit of Mr. Stevenson as Dagonet, who sits and glares manfully at injustice. Jonathan appreciates a man who has a sense of right or wrong, can ride it wet or dry (a horse, pervs) and knows how to throw an axe (that can be a hit at any party! GET IT?). One downside is that Dagonet LOVES kids. The only thing Jonathan dislikes more than kids is when people are talking about their Kindle/Nook/Michele Bachmann.

Worthiness Rating (Camelot Style)

Get him drunk on mead and get ‘er done!

Rome (2005-2007)

There are two things Jonathan will not shut up about: Rome and how to build your own printing press. It’s always stuff like “I’d like to bend Ray Stevenson over this,” “printing presses are based on screw presses,” “ram him.” Sometimes I get so bored of these conversations, Jonathan!

Ray bestows upon Jonathan his most romantic "WTF?" look.

Rome was a great show. It had mystery, intrigue, and naked people. It was like True Blood but it had a plot. Refreshing! It also had Mr. Stevenson as Titus Pullo, an adventurous bear of a man who enjoyed banging heads together and just plain ol’ banging. That’s right, Pullo is so masculine that when he orders a sandwich, he asks for extra “MAN-onnaise.”

Prone to fits of rage, but also moments of softness, he is certainly a Certifiable A+ Fantasy for Jonathan. But I don’t think he would respect Jonathan’s opinions on whether or not the spare bedroom should be painted in eggshell or cream. Also, he might get confused by what Jonathan would mean when he demands that Titus “mow my lawn.” Let us face it, Titus is not the sharpest whip in a dominatrix’s bag of tricks.

Worthiness Rating (Gladiator Style)

Thumbs Down (Don’t cry, Jonathan. I hate to see those beautiful eyelashes soaked in tears.)

Punisher: War Zone (2008)

Um, yes, this movie actually exists. And yes, Mr. Stevenson, as Frank Castle, busts into a dinner party, cuts off a guy’s head, breaks his wife’s neck and stabs a lot of people who happen to be attached to bags of red colored corn syrup. Check it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G-hevVsnrWM

Now, the following has occurred after darling Jonathan has watched this scene:

1) Jonathan’s heart totally fluttered at Mr. Stevenson’s badassery.
2) Jonathan also wished Mr. Stevenson would be polite enough to say his hellos, take off his boots and THEN begin the slaughter. It’s a dinner party after all! Manners!

Sure, Mr. Stevenson’s Frank Castle looks trim in black, and can kill a man as efficiently as I place my McDonald’s drive thru order (“Yes, I would like a basket of fries and five cups of ice. Stop asking me QUESTIONS!”). But a man so focused on revenging and avenging is not good enough! Jonathan needs a person who can have a deep conversation with him and not demand hand to hand combat when disagreeing over the power dynamics in a Mary Gaitskill short story.

Worthiness Rating (comic book style)

Eviscerate him with a blow torch, but he’ll probably be resurrected in another series and try to persuade Jonathan that he’s “changed.”

Oooo, this is about to get SAUCY!

Mouth to Mouth (2001)

Yes, Ray, you put your mouth to my mouth!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JONATHAN!!!

———-

Today is Jonathan’s birthday! He is one year younger than Dracula. Haters to the left.

I should be happy. Why, if this keeps up, everyone will have a quizzing glass. The horse and buggy will make a comeback. And visitors to my house will be required to leave their card with my shirtless manservant Keith (Creative Liberty), who will then spray whip cream on his chest (Creative Liberty) and walk the card up to my platinum boudoir where I will decide if I would like to entertain said visitor while dipping strawberries into his chest-cream (Creative Liberty. Except the strawberries.)

But I am not happy, dear readers. In fact, my emotions are as withered as the strawberries stuck on Keith’s chest. Because while this recent flurry of adaptations and creations are all well and good, I have a distinct feeling that media making types will still want to continue to re-create a film based off Dickens, or a Bronte book or Jane Austen novel. “But sometimes those adaptations of adaptations have zombies!” you may say. And then I would slap you and say, “You can only reanimate a corpse so many times. Just ask Dr. Frankenstein. And my parole officer.”

In fact, there are actually one or two, or hundreds of period piece books producers could adapt into TV and film. And since producers totally read my column (Hey Bill from Sony Pictures! How is that eczema flair up?), I think you will soon see the works of these great authors on your TV/movie/iGadget screen!

Now, while I could name a few obvious authors (Thackery) or ones with names that are just fun to say (BALZAC!), I made this list specific. Indeed, this list is narrower than your mother’s eyes when she found your erotic Batman fanfiction.

Here are four pre-Victorian and Victorian female writers who have got the goods to get adapted.^[3]

Susanna Rowson

Bio: Susanna Rowson’s life is ripe for a period piece adaption alone (she definitely would have had a TV movie of the week, or appeared on Maury Povich). Supporting her family as a governess, Rowson also sustained herself through the years as an actress, playwright and founder of a boarding school. She also enjoyed talking sass to high ranking government officials (she and Mark Twain would have been BFFs).
Works: Rowson wrote a good chunk of plays and novels. Her most famous book was Charlotte Temple, a story about a young woman who is seduced by a British soldier.
Who should direct: Well, the main character, Charlotte Temple, is a young woman of fifteen. What’s Roman Polanski up to?

SPOILER: She dies.

Frances Burney

Bio: If you ever want to feel like a lazy, pointless slob, delve into the five trillion (Scientifically Accurate Number) novels, non-fiction, journals and plays Burney produced. Seriously, this lady had more works in print than RuPaul has wigs. A talented satirist (one of her plays was called “The Woman Hater”), Burney is a perfect replacement for people hooked on Jane Austen adaptations and torture-porn (a.k.a “Romantic Comedies”).
Works: Burney’s novels, Evelina, Cecilia, and Camilla are a strong blend of social commentary, romance and bosom heaving.
Selling Point: Burney’s novels are perfect vehicles for that ingénue who studios can’t decide if she can act (Scarlett Johansson in Girl with a Pearl Earring) or is just really good at pouting and arching her back (Scarlett Johansson in everything else). Throw in a period piece veteran like Hugh Dancy or That Stage Actor Guy From Scotland Who Everyone Thinks Is Irish^[4] and I promise a hit that will be sure to be nominated for a ton of Emmys. (Note: It will lose in all categories except for Costume Design and Snotty Expressions)

Frances Burney: Playwright, Author, Large Hat Interpreter

Annie Sophie Cory

Bio: Cory was born with writing in her blood (her father was an editor) and sassy in her heart. Known for her “sensual” novels, Cory was the Nora Roberts of her time. Her novels, such as Anna Lombard, focused on women in far-away lands like India, having sexy times and brooding staring contests with burly soldiers and male model servants. Hopefully these ladies got a tax break for their services.
Selling Point: Adaptations of Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure, Affinity and Wide Sargasso Sea are proof that the small screen enjoys a good romp in an exotic location like Jamaica or Millbank Prison. Also, Indian stuff is hot right now! Bollywood, chai, those long scarfs I don’t wear because I keep catching mine in a car door…

Ann Radcliffe

Bio: Poor Radcliffe. Living, she was the world’s J.K. Rowling, but ask any modern person and she’s just that lady that Jane Austen makes fun of in Northanger Abbey. Radcliffe influenced many writers such as Edgar Allan Poe (aww yeah!), Sir Walter Scott (aww yeah!) and Marquis de Sade (booooo!).
Works: There’s not a lot known about Radcliffe, but like Ted Bundy, there wasn’t a dark hallway she didn’t like. Her novels, such as The Mysteries of Udolpho, are full of mystery, castles and weirdos with fancy names. What’s not to love? (Hint: Men named Montoni.)
Who Should Direct: Guillermo Del Toro or Tom Hooper would do any of Radcliffe’s works justice. But since they are so big and important and we aren’t speaking because of all those prank calls (I know it was YOU Del Toro, I have caller ID!), I’d suggest someone who is finely tuned to psychological horror. But if Gary Busey is too busy, I’m sure we could find someone just as credible.

As the cover indicates, this book is a LAUGH-A-MINUTE!

And that is just the few pre-Victorian and Victorian lady writers who deserve some adaptation action. Seriously, I had like five more! But I’m an underachiever. In fact, Keith wrote this whole thing. BALZAC!

1Hunks Wearing Cummerbunds. A channel exclusively playing in my own head.
2Period piece nerds have wet their pants over this series.
3If you’re mad that Baroness Emma Orczy, George Sand, Anna Sewell and/or George Eliot were not on this list, well then that is awesome because you are just as big a period piece book whore as me. Congrats, lonely other person!
4I love that guy!

———-

As a self-proclaimed period piece nerd, Eileen wants you all to know that corsets should only be applied by a registered technician. She’ll be right over.

Welcome to your local supermarket! Where all your fiction needs can be met! Just check out this rad selection:

Hell yes! This is all I need: “General Interest” “Romance,” “Romance,” “Romance” and “New Releases” none of this “genre” crap. This lady needs to get home and nuke her man a meal! It is so great that books at the supermarket are just geared towards the womens, because that is where we ladies spend most of our time (other than the NAIL SALON, WOOOOOO!). I mean, if this were a place of gender equality, they’d have to add a “Propane and Drills” section for men, and I am totally NOT into that, duh! (Unless I am inebriated and am watching “The Bachelor.” My poor television.)

So, here were my excellent choices!

The You I Never Knew by Susan Wiggs
Where There’s Smoke by Sandra Brown

Plot: A hot young woman is completely ostracized by the people in her small town or big city. Someone might be ill and she will have to care for them while making personal sacrifices that leave her even more destitute and alone. A lot of the chapters will feature her being emotionally downtrodden by her family and friends because they think she sucks. Her struggles lead her into a hate-love attraction with Some Dude who is handsome and intriguing but in Real Life would probably be a Jerk From The Realm of the Highest Order and is probably jokingly referred to as “The STD Factory” by his friends.

In the end, the hot young woman is rewarded for all her hard work by ending up with this man for the rest of her live-long days.

Decision: I love this, so uplifting! But why do I feel the need to go to the cutlery section and see if they have any steak knives?

The Killing Edge by Heather Graham
The Bride Collector by Ted Dekker
Swimsuit by James Patterson

Plot: A hot young woman is trying to solve a sadistic crime(s) committed by a serial killer who is terrorizing the sleepy town she lives in which hopefully is by the beach so she is in her swimsuit a lot (or the serial killer KILLS ladies in their swimsuits. Regardless, we need some female underwear or swimsuits in this). She runs into a sensual and dangerous, sexy, but single cop/private investigator/mailman who helps her (out of her PANTS, ZING), until the climax (ding!) in which she is captured by said serial killer but is rescued at the very end by finding out that the serial killer is her brother/father/cousin/dog-trainer or he is secretly in love with her and connects with her over her Dark Past and therefore forgets to properly fasten the lock on her cage in his Serial Killer Basement so she is able to get away and he dies by falling down on his Serial Killer Weapon in his Serial Killer Basement and isn’t that Always Just The Way?

Decision: This is great! Especially since I will be able to pick up some sleeping pills to evade the night terrors I will have after reading these!

Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen
Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens

Plot: The Old Days were super hard dude. Also, people were crazy and had mental disorders not caused by Chatroulette or Glenn Beck. In this story a lot of people are mean and hit each other and abuse animals and cough and die young, because it’s The Old Days your mom and dad warned you about. Things were much simpler and people could focus on misery and utilize dialogue that is very difficult to understand. You are going to read this and realize you live the life of a Sultan-King while you sit regally on your IKEA sofa spraying Cheese Whiz into your mouth because this is the Modern Century.

Decision: I am going to go to the pharmacy and ask if I can get some penicillin to rub all over myself. Then I will see if they will sell me an inflatable bubble I can live in.

Road Atlas by AAA

Plot: Yup, this is totally a symbol. You are lost, moron. Do you really want to read “How To Tempt A Duke’s Seductive Rake?” or “Husband, I Will Give You Mine Kidney?”

Decision: Go home and join Paperback Swap. Dumbass.

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Eileen is really beginning to regret not buying “Husband, I will Give You Mine Kidney.”

Why I’m Gross by Roman Polanski, Foreword by Jack Nicholson

In a searing tell-all, Roman Polanski reveals the secret behind him being an ass: dark wizardry.

What is never explained: The disaster that was “The Ninth Gate.”

Mr. Polanksi details his secret strike spells in "Why I'm Gross."

Men of Period Piece Films by Emma Thompson

This book is the perfect centerpiece for your coffee table, as well as conversations with your lady friends (or guys who look like ladies). Who wouldn’t want to lick the waistcoat of Timothy Dalton or feel up Keanu Reeves wig? Presented by Emma Thompson in her sauciest prose, this is a delightful book with some even more delightful euphemisms! Take your tea with extra sugar, because by the end of this book, you will have a serious case of dry mouth.

Little Boy Blue by Cormac Mcarthy

Boy Blue rides out into the Mexican frontier in search of The Magical Pistol. Armed with steely resolve and dialogue without quotations marks, Boy Blue meets many friends along the way, before he ends up killing them for sleeping with his prostitute mother. Suitable for ages 4-12.

Hunt for the Raspberry Barbarian by Strawberry Shortcake

Beautiful and intelligent Blueberry Muffin returns to Strawberryland after her failed marriage to real estate mogul Nutella Ned. Heart-broken but still fiery, Blueberry Muffin finds solace with her friends Strawberry Shortcake and Huckleberry Pie. But something is different in Strawberryland, something sinister, and Blueberry Muffin is soon caught in a web of intrigue and seduction. Pitted against The Peculiar Purple Pieman and the evil Lord Cherry Picker, Blueberry Muffin has no choice but to join forces with the mysterious, yet deadly, yet sexy Raspberry Barbarian. But will the fruits of her labor soon produce fruits of love?

Will Blueberry Muffin be able to tame the Raspberry Barbarian? Also, is there a draft?

The Big Book of Jokes by Margaret Atwood and Joyce Carol Oates

Margaret Atwood and J. Oates, aren’t just literary paragons, but hilarious jokemeisters! Check this one out: “What do you call a woman who is always ready for a bone? Elizabeth Blackwell!”

These two are so funny; you’ll quickly forget that we will one day be under the thumb of a misogynist theocratic-organized country. Or Canada.

The History of Death Metal by Julie Andrews

Songbird Julie Andrews delves deep into the history of this EXTREME(!!!!!) subgenre of heavy metal. With interviews from Possessed to Morbid Angel, Andrews shows Maria Von Trapp loves a good death-grind. Special editions of the book will feature a free MP3 download of Andrews’ duet of “Chim Chim Cher-ee” with the band Death.

Pit of Despair: How to be Successful in the Workforce by Michel Foucault

Are the voles of hell gnawing at your soul? Do you feel as if you are on the ship of fools? Have any respect for the French? (Be honest.) Well, Foucault’s masterful self-help book promises to point out all the things that are wrong in your life, without any idea on how to fix it!

This will probably not be a bestseller…
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In the Year of Our Space Pope (2011), Eileen would like to not read anything to do with fangs. Unless Margaret Atwood writes a sequel to “Hairball.” Cuz that shiz was awesome.