Eileen: This is Your Brain On…
Pimpin’ Ain’t Easy: How to Score like a Literary Hero/Anti-Hero
Awww yeah, guys and girls! Who doesn’t want to become luckier with the opposite sex (Answer: nuns)? Listen, we all want to love and be loved (while avoiding a plethora of venereal diseases). But it’s tough out there! And many of us have, more often than not, failed in scoring our crotch’s desire. You’ve probably [...]
A Good Rochestering: Haikus for Jane Eyre’s Main Squeeze
There are two things you can count on in this world: 1) Ryan Reynolds will never return my phone calls, no matter how many different ways I disguise my voice. 2) The film/TV studios believe that the canon of literature contains only: Jane Austen, Henry James, Dickens, a smattering of Mark Twain, a dash of [...]
Judging Your Jerk: The Thomas Hardy Method
We all have a special jerk in our lives. It could be your sibling, your significant other, a parent, a friend, a co-worker or your brother’s neighbor’s cousin’s sister-in-law’s wife. A jerk like this is hard to shake, so you’ve learned to accept, even love your jerk for the stupid-face she/he is (at least until [...]
Burn your Retinas, Soothe Your Ears: Terrible Movies with Great Music
Have you ever met someone super hot, or something super hot (what up, objectum-sexuals!), and thought to yourself “I know as soon as you speak you’re going to ruin this beautiful picture you’ve presented, because you’re probably super into politics, or clog dancing and Warren Beatty, or misogynistic film plots with needless explosions and women [...]
Worlds of Lamer: When Nintendo Wrote Books and Spandex Wasn’t Ironic
Is good literature dead? Yes. That’s why this column is so successful (I have two loyal readers I don’t even have to PAY). I like to think this is the place where one can focus on the shitty books of now (or then) that would make Wharton cry elegantly or cause Poe to have a [...]
Wuthering Heights: Again.
Way back when Defenestration was still a babe, I reviewed MTV’s Wuthering Heights. It was hilarious and awful, and I foolishly thought that it would be the nail in the “Lets Adapt Wuthering Heights for the Billionth Time,” coffin. I was wrong. A few months ago another Wuthering Heights adaptation premiered on Masterpiece Theatre. I [...]
Riverpants: Leap Year, Reviewed
Dear Ireland, I am sorry. I am sorry that so many people these days claim they are Irish—on their great-great-grandmother’s side. Frankly, that’s annoying. But most of all I am sorry after so many many years, American films still portray you as a backwoods buffoon full of leprechauns who gnaw on cornbeef and chug Shamrock [...]
The Adventures of Porny Bear
Recently I have been reading Pamela Paula’s Pornified, a book that argues that heterosexual porn is destroying friendships, family and male to female relationships. Paul writes that straight men who watch pornography lose interest and a ability to connect emotionally and physically with their female partners. An intriguing concept. And if Paula’s argument were true [...]
Eileen and Andrew Play MASH while Genevieve Burns Harry Potter
M A S H Profession Garbage Inspector Gynecologist Sweatshop Manager Performance Artist (homeless) Sultan of Dubai’s Girlfriend Hobby Hooking Taxidermy Playing Bradley Headstone at Dickens World Coupon Clipping Enthusiast Staring at Andrew Who You Will Marry Bruce Willis circa 1989 Andrew Ryan Reynolds Chad the Ex-Boyfriend Larry King Children A Swarm Macaulay [...]
The Justice System at Work
It’s sort of uncomfortable when you get this from the judge presiding over your “Intoxicated While Driving With An Orangutan With A Suspended License And Silly Hat” case. But I really need the acquittal!* * The napkin is real. The orangutan was not.
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