Worlds of Lamer: When Nintendo Wrote Books and Spandex Wasn’t Ironic

Is good literature dead? Yes. That’s why this column is so successful (I have two loyal readers I don’t even have to PAY). I like to think this is the place where one can focus on the shitty books of now (or then) that would make Wharton cry elegantly or cause Poe to have a [...]

Wuthering Heights: Again.

Way back when Defenestration was still a babe, I reviewed MTV’s Wuthering Heights. It was hilarious and awful, and I foolishly thought that it would be the nail in the “Lets Adapt Wuthering Heights for the Billionth Time,” coffin.
I was wrong. A few months ago another Wuthering Heights adaptation premiered on Masterpiece Theatre. I ignored [...]

Riverpants: Leap Year, Reviewed

Dear Ireland,
I am sorry.
I am sorry that so many people these days claim they are Irish—on their great-great-grandmother’s side. Frankly, that’s annoying.
But most of all I am sorry after so many many years, American films still portray you as a backwoods buffoon full of leprechauns who gnaw on cornbeef and chug Shamrock Shakes.
Therefore, [...]

The Adventures of Porny Bear

Recently I have been reading Pamela Paula’s Pornified, a book that argues that heterosexual porn is destroying friendships, family and male to female relationships. Paul writes that straight men who watch pornography lose interest and a  ability to connect emotionally and physically with their female partners.
An intriguing concept. And if Paula’s argument were true what [...]

Eileen and Andrew Play MASH while Genevieve Burns Harry Potter

M A S H
Profession

Garbage Inspector
Gynecologist
Sweatshop Manager
Performance Artist (homeless)
Sultan of Dubai’s Girlfriend

 
Hobby

Hooking
Taxidermy
Playing Bradley Headstone at Dickens World
Coupon Clipping Enthusiast
Staring at Andrew

 
Who You Will Marry

Bruce Willis circa 1989
Andrew
Ryan Reynolds
Chad the Ex-Boyfriend
Larry King

 
Children

A Swarm
Macaulay Culkin
A Toothbrush
Myriad of fluffy puppies

 
How You Will Die

Twinkie Accident
Run over by clown [...]

The Justice System at Work

It’s sort of uncomfortable when you get this from the judge presiding over your “Intoxicated While Driving With An Orangutan With A Suspended License And Silly Hat” case. But I really need the acquittal!*

* The napkin is real. The orangutan was not.

A Love Letter to Phil Collins

Dear Phil Collins,
You are a god. Which makes sense because you were in a band called Genesis. I bet you planned it that way, you saucy minx.
Phil, you need to know how much you’ve been an integral part of my life. “Another Day in Paradise,” “True Colors,” “Against All Odds,” “A Groovy Kind of Love,” [...]

Anime: It’s Japanese for ‘Boobies’ Part Two

After attempting to burn off my retinas after my recent bout of bad anime, I decided I would just have to suck it up and continue on my journey. Or buy more lighter fluid.
Ninja Scroll
Made in 1993, Ninja Scroll is about ninjas, but the scroll, like good taste, never makes an appearance. To [...]

Anime: It’s Japanese for ‘Boobies’ Part One in a two-part series

Recently a reader asked me why my columns lean towards bitter diatribes on books. To which I replied, “Shut the hell up and make me more pie!” But my mother had a point. Maybe I needed a vacation from reading crap. She certainly needed to make me more pie. So why not freshen up [...]

Whorealeen!

So, what should I be for Halloween?

A dead-looking whore?

A multi-cultural whore?

A, “U.S. healthcare is in dire straits but look how short my skirt is?” whore

Some sort of booby type air-brushed I’m A Model/Actress From L.A. whore?

Raggedy Ann? (nah, don’t like the stockings)

A whore?

Sharon Stone?
Wait, I know!!!

I’ll be a feminist! Yay! HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE!!!