Chris: Encyclopedia Douchebag… ica

You’re a [Redacted] One, Mr. Grinch

Dec 12th, 2011 | By

Right about now, you’re smack dab in the middle of the various Christmas holiday cartoons that run rampant until Christmas. It’s a great time to gather the little ones around the warm glow of the television and for a few days of the year, pretend like you’re a normal well-adjusted family, and that dad’s drinking

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Junk on the Trunk

Nov 14th, 2011 | By

The everyday horseless carriage is something many an individual makes use of to live their lives as they trod off to work and perform the duties necessary to keep a house running in tip-top shape. In a perfect world, that’d be all they’d be used for…but it’s not–pretentious jerkbags have decided to use the rear

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Dreaming is for Children and Civil Rights Leaders

Oct 17th, 2011 | By

I’m convinced that any and everything I dream during my night’s slumber serves no real purpose other than to leave me bitter in the morning. Now, I’m certain most folks love to dream, and enjoy traveling to distant lands and connecting with old friends and passed on loved ones and etc., etc., but to me,

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Pleading on Bended Knee

Sep 19th, 2011 | By

On one of the many occasions (in a single workday) that I peruse CNN, I happened to stumble upon a headline that managed to, in the .25 seconds it took for me to read, take me from an unnatural giddiness, to a combination of disgust and an unfathomable sadness. I have just read a bit

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Gone Dictatorin’

Jul 11th, 2011 | By

Currently, I’m toying around with the idea of running for some form of political office, the good kind where you have actual power, not some piddly comptroller. I’d like to say my intentions would be noble and pure as I strive to improve the lives of all of the citizens that turn to me for

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When All Else Fails, Resort To Beating

Jun 13th, 2011 | By

An important thing for children today is establishing their social standing amongst the roving tribes of feral children. Now, in watching various nature programs on NatGeo, this is generally accomplished by overthrowing the Alpha male/female, which is usually determined via some sort of violent altercation which, at minimum, ends with some type of horrible disfigurement.

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Douchebag Education Begins at Home – Part 1

May 16th, 2011 | By

In honor of Mother’s Day, I figured it’d be apt to talk about our nation’s fine example of half-assed parenting. I’m certain that because I have yet to breed that I have no room to comment on how others raise their children, and if you think that, you can eat me. I’m not here to

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Color Discrimination Gets a Bad Rap

Apr 11th, 2011 | By

Recently, I decided it was time to purchase a new laptop, nothing too fancy, just a better than average laptop for various nerdy things I’m into. So, I head over to Best Buy’s website to peruse their selection, just to give me an idea of pricing, and to compare specs. Most of them have basic

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It’s Lonely at the Top

Mar 14th, 2011 | By

Coming from the “Land of the Freakishly Tall”, I understand the fascination that you vertically challenged folks have with our height. You stare at us in awe as if our size was gifted to us by the Gods themselves, making us preordained to lead humanity into a Golden Age of Prosperity, and that is too much pressure. I just want to lounge around eating various cheese and meat products straight from a can like any other normal person. I’m well aware of how amazing you short folks think we are, really I do, and I’m certain you’d like nothing better than to be our sidekick, which is why I’m gonna give you a few pointers as to how to get into our good graces or, at the very least, keeping us from grinding your bones to make our bread.

Going Abroad (Or Two)

Feb 14th, 2011 | By

In the near future, I will be taking a trip to Canada, a mystical land filled with meese and rhetorical questions. Seeing as how I haven’t traveled abroad since Karl Malone got his shorts in a twist when he found out he’d have to share the same space as Magic Johnson, my passport has long

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