Chris: Encyclopedia Douchebag… ica

Just Say ‘No’ to Nov. 6

Oct 22nd, 2012 | By

To this very day, I STILL don’t understand why “Dubya” was even compared to Hitler. In his entire eight years as president, not ONCE did the man even attempt to grow a mustache.

We Took Grandpa to Go Live On a Farm

Sep 17th, 2012 | By

I’m certain being a parent isn’t easy. I myself am anxious for the day when I cross into the realm of fatherhood and have to explain to authorities why my six year old is repaving the driveway, and why an infant is doing some light roofing. (I’d like to say this would never happen but times could be tough.) Naturally, the main aspect of parenting is being able to keep the little rugrat in check throughout various disciplinary means. The hope being that this sculpts them into a productive member of society so they avoid becoming a forty year old schizo with a freezer full of beheaded cats.

Excelsior! (With Apologies to Stan Lee)

Aug 23rd, 2012 | By

Every catastrophic event starts the same way:the villain devises a new scheme that will grant him dominance over humanity, and unleashes his/her plan on the hapless citizens on the same metropolitan area they have numerous times in the past. The relative peace and quiet of the city streets is shattered as a giant beam of death fires out from across the river and slices a skyscraper in two. Those on the street turn their gaze upward and quickly come to terms with their own death as they drop to the ground, huddle over loved ones, and clench their eyes shut as they brace for the impact.

Ignorance Really Is Bliss

Jul 23rd, 2012 | By

In a world that’s ever changing, it’s good to know that any information we want we can easily get. From the latest celebrity gossip, to world events, and even that small tracking device you embedded in the skin of that cute girl from the Orange Julius–information is streamed to us through our smartphones, tablets, and

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We’ll Arrive at Half Past Never

Jun 18th, 2012 | By

Living as an adult, you quickly come to accept that your time really isn’t your own. A third of your day is spent at work and a third sleeping, giving you a measly 8 hours to do what you need to in a normal work week. In this present day world, if you even wish

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Your Mom Thinks I’m Great

May 21st, 2012 | By

Many of us like to believe that we’re simply better at some aspects of life than other people. Perhaps you’re a chess whiz, can easily spot the difference between real and fake hair (I minored in it), or know how to dispose of a dead body. All of us are a little better at some

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Apr 23rd, 2012 | By

Recently I celebrated the 29th anniversary of my birth, and my mother took it upon herself to to embarrass me at work. So, the day before my birthday, a family friend/co-worker wheels a giant SpongeBob cake back to my cube and proceeds to sing “Happy Birthday” loudly and off-key (bless her heart). Clearly, my mother

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Mar 20th, 2012 | By

All of us wish to, in some way shape, or form, differentiate ourselves from the other common rabble out there. We develop our own unique style, from the clothes we wear, to the unnecessary tattoos of Looney Tune characters or car company decals that are strategically placed in inappropriate areas. We spent so much of

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Do I Look Like Dr. Phil?

Feb 21st, 2012 | By

I understand that in order to exist in a society of laws and other such nonsense, that I’m not allowed to flat out smack people I don’t feel like dealing with, an inconvenience I just have to live up to. What I will not accept is having to engage in idle chit-chat because people find

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You Stink–In A Good Way

Jan 24th, 2012 | By

Encoded deep within our DNA is the desire to have our genitals meet with those of another that ends in either joy or disappointment. Because of that desire, we tend to put ourselves on display, however, our attempts at mimicking mating rituals in the wild kingdom come off as forced and desperate. We wear bright

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