Columns

King Toadstool: Portrait of a Tyrant

Feb 5th, 2017 | By

Koopa Kingdom isn’t an aggressive nation who wishes to destabilize the status quo because “that’s what bad guys do.” In fact, they’re a fledgling resistance, seeking to free all citizens of the world from under the iron fist of King Toadstool.



Defenestration’s Schedule of Classes

Oct 17th, 2016 | By

We here at the Defenestration Inner Council want to let you youngins know that we believe you are unique individuals with so much potential ahead of you. Alas, as we discovered ourselves, the world does not agree. Prepare to be categorized and labeled (oftentimes inappropriately) for the rest of your lives!



Can’t Spell “Summer” Without “Hatred”

Jul 27th, 2016 | By

After a bitter cold Winter, and inexplicably dry Spring, Summer has made its return to the Mid-Atlantic region, otherwise known as America’s sweaty armpit.



Scuttling the S.S. Friendship

May 3rd, 2016 | By

There’s going to come a point where you may need to cut someone from your life. Unless of course you’re keeping someone around as a walking container of compatible organs.



Are YOU Irish Today?

Mar 17th, 2016 | By

Let’s get ready to celebrate “Ireland’s Second Rate Saint Day!”



Merry Christmas, Crazies! (A Serious Myers–Briggs Study)

Dec 21st, 2015 | By

After careful analysis, I am able to gift you all with an assessment of your own Christmas holiday behavior based on your Meyers-Briggs personality type.



Tis-the-Season-for-Maiming

Dec 14th, 2015 | By

The holidays are like communism. It’s a great idea on paper, then people get introduced to the system, and then everything goes to shit.



Lady Chatterly’s The Rock

Oct 13th, 2015 | By

What the next adaptation of Lady Chatterly’s Lover needs: a dose of what The Rock plans to be cooking.



Sloth and Gluttony are My Homeboys

Oct 1st, 2015 | By

Let’s be honest with ourselves, life is really only worth living between the ages of six and sixty, after that we’re in bonus levels.



Please Love Me, Mary Gaitskill

Jul 13th, 2015 | By

I met Mary Gaitskill once, and only once, which stands to be one of the most memorable and embarrassing evenings of my life.