Columns
Ponycidal Christmas
Dear Jonathan, I’m still pissed off I didn’t get an iPad for Christmas. What are some things you wanted for Christmas that your parents didn’t get you because they were bastards? There were three things I consistently asked for Christmas when I was growing up: a good book, a pony and a cape. I [...]
You Stink–In A Good Way
Encoded deep within our DNA is the desire to have our genitals meet with those of another that ends in either joy or disappointment. Because of that desire, we tend to put ourselves on display, however, our attempts at mimicking mating rituals in the wild kingdom come off as forced and desperate. We wear bright [...]
Bag of Boners Part One: Let’s Get Clickety-Clacking
Bag of Bones is a glorious hodgepodge of scene chewing, nonsensical dialogue and a plot that was sunk into a cavern full of foot cheese. It’s like A&E needed an idea, snorted some paint and stumbled into its hand carved bookcase, knocking Stephen King’s award-winning Bag of Bones right onto its jeweled talons (all television [...]
Dudebros: A Field Guide
I have noticed that my office has lately had an upswing of dudebros. You tend to not notice just one or two – polo shirts happen, everything’s cool – but when they start to congregate it gets very obvious that you’re in the middle of a Situation (and if you say that to a group [...]
Roman Holiday Boxing
Dear Jonathan, I just saw Tallafornia. Any suggests on what I can watch now in order to avoid night terrors? ———————– Two things you should know about me. #1 – I love British television series, especially historical dramas. #2 – I have an unhealthy infatuation with evil bitchy women in power. So this would explain [...]
You’re a [Redacted] One, Mr. Grinch
Right about now, you’re smack dab in the middle of the various Christmas holiday cartoons that run rampant until Christmas. It’s a great time to gather the little ones around the warm glow of the television and for a few days of the year, pretend like you’re a normal well-adjusted family, and that dad’s drinking [...]
9 Tips For Powerpoint Presentation Success
1) Never wear just a negligee. Pair it with some loafers so your feet don’t get cold. 2) Ladies: put on a touch of makeup. Men: slather it on. God knows you need it. 3) Don’t bring a water bottle – it makes you look nervous. Instead, bring a glass of chilled white wine, and [...]
Junk on the Trunk
The everyday horseless carriage is something many an individual makes use of to live their lives as they trod off to work and perform the duties necessary to keep a house running in tip-top shape. In a perfect world, that’d be all they’d be used for…but it’s not–pretentious jerkbags have decided to use the rear [...]
Amish, May I Sleep With Danger?
“Levi? What happened? Is the barn ablaze?” Excerpt from Plain Fear: Forsaken: A Novel Americans are intrigued by insular cultures. I have a staunch belief that it’s not because they “look different” or act in ways our general population doesn’t act, but because these cultures ignore us and we don’t know why. “HELLO, AMISH? IT’S [...]
“Blek,” Said The Lesbian
Last month’s column got me thinking about the many books I wasn’t allowed to read growing up. There were actually quite a few – my mother was of the prude and prejudice type. Anyway, here’s a small list of some wandering book covers and the secrets they hold that I can only dream of…
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