Columns
Worlds of Lamer: When Nintendo Wrote Books and Spandex Wasn’t Ironic
Is good literature dead? Yes. That’s why this column is so successful (I have two loyal readers I don’t even have to PAY). I like to think this is the place where one can focus on the shitty books of now (or then) that would make Wharton cry elegantly or cause Poe to have a [...]
Fight Club and Other Shit (with Science!)
Introduction:
My job is stupid. Don’t get me wrong, I like pay checks and employment, as I lack other methods for collecting said pay check, but working is just dumb. To clue you in to the environment of my mental personal hell, I’ve included a scene from this mornings antics:
Method One:
Boss: “Did you print something on [...]
Dinner with Napalm
How would I go about throwing a fancy dinner party for upwards of 50 guests?
Stage One: Denial
What? Fifty people didn’t really respond to the Evite. It’s not like they all don’t know you live in a two-bedroom apartment. They don’t expect you to cook anything – you have an abortion for a kitchen, [...]
Dante’s Inferred, No?
I do a lot of gaming. It keeps me from doing stupid things, like going out on weekends and spending money on excessively priced drinks. As a gamer I fall into one of two categories: the frat boy (the ones who actually buy EA’s sports clones, and play games with bloodlust and mass destruction), or [...]
Wuthering Heights: Again.
Way back when Defenestration was still a babe, I reviewed MTV’s Wuthering Heights. It was hilarious and awful, and I foolishly thought that it would be the nail in the “Lets Adapt Wuthering Heights for the Billionth Time,” coffin.
I was wrong. A few months ago another Wuthering Heights adaptation premiered on Masterpiece Theatre. I ignored [...]
Turning Tricks with Report Writing
I’m a consultant – that means that I was hired by an organization to do a job that the organization hired their own inept worker to do, but when they realized their worker was too lazy to do it, they just shelled out more money to a third party and BAM! Here I is….
One might [...]
Beware of WOW Players Bearing Baby Organs
Are children getting dumber or am I getting smarter?
I may not be the best person to answer this. Last time I had a babysitting job, I was almost inspired to start a career directing snuff films.
And let’s face it, kids are really fucking stupid. They spend the first few years of their life [...]
How to Get More Vacation Time (Fired)
While working for my corporate overlords, it hasn’t escaped my attention that a huge complaint from co-workers seems to be the lack of available time off. After pondering this for about a few seconds, I started thinking, which I generally reserve for special holidays like Kwanzaa, but I digress.
Therefore, I’ve used all of my [...]
Riverpants: Leap Year, Reviewed
Dear Ireland,
I am sorry.
I am sorry that so many people these days claim they are Irish—on their great-great-grandmother’s side. Frankly, that’s annoying.
But most of all I am sorry after so many many years, American films still portray you as a backwoods buffoon full of leprechauns who gnaw on cornbeef and chug Shamrock Shakes.
Therefore, [...]
Abridged Classics: Pathfinder
Everyone loves a good yarn about Vikings and inexplicably childlike Native Americans and eyeballs flying all over the place, right?
Remember that time Vikings almost wiped out all the Native Americans, except that other Viking was there to save them, even though he had been adopted by them and then outcast for no reason? Oh, Ye [...]
