Defenestration

All the Necessary Upgrades

Winslow finally gets what he’s been dreaming about: a complete makeover! Thanks to the wonders of cosmetic surgery (and Little Winslow’s amateur plastic surgeon license), Winslow has an all new face. Women won’t be able to resist him now. Not with that amazing face.

“How To Cook Breakfast,” by Dashiell Lunde

Dear Friends,

After extensive study, I have finally discovered the one and only- the finest way to cook breakfast. It’s safe to say All the World will benefit from my discovery, so upon reading this article, don’t just keep it to yourself. Please inform your friends as well.

Bad Romance

The secret’s out: Winslow reads romance novels. And with his recent “realization” that he is, in fact, hideously ugly, why wouldn’t he dream about muscles and cheekbones and a full head of glorious golden hair? And why wouldn’t he suddenly want to look like that all the time?

Yes, cosmetic surgery is definitely the answer. It’s the only way he’ll feel better about himself.

“Doctoring for Dummies – The Intro to the Book,” by Janice Arenofsky

The practice of medicine is not as complicated as many people make it out to be. It’s not brain surgery. At least not usually. Have you ever watched Mystery Diagnosis? Dissected a fruit fly? Made your spouse wait for you while you reprogrammed your cell phone? See, I told you so. You know more about performing a quadruple bypass than many ophthalmologists, and they went to medical school.

Racist Intermezzo

I think my cat is a racist. I’m serious and this worries me. My husband and I maintain a very civil household. Quite frankly we’re the epitome of a boring suburban couple. We vote, recycle and donate to charities every year. So, this new development has created a stain over my happy existence. I feel [...]

I Am Ugly, and I Am Proud

The first continuous Ben & Winslow storyline of 2012 has begun. Winslow has obviously internalized the comments from his visit with Dr. Spiderqueen, which is a shame, because he really is a pretty attractive guy. This will not end well. Once Winslow gets an idea in his head, he takes it to its logical conclusion.

Really, he’s more ugly on the inside. That’s where he keeps his guts.

“The Approval of Congress,” by Bobby D. Foster

MS. BLACK. Good morning everyone. I hereby call the Subcommittee on Government Organization, Efficiency, and Financial Management to order. I see that all the members are present and accounted for, so let’s begin.

I recognize myself for an opening statement.

We have been assembled today to review an unprecedented, highly worrisome, and seemingly impossible development. According to a study published by the Gallup Poll last week, Congress’ already abysmally low approval rating has dropped into the negatives for the first time in history.

Do I Look Like Dr. Phil?

I understand that in order to exist in a society of laws and other such nonsense, that I’m not allowed to flat out smack people I don’t feel like dealing with, an inconvenience I just have to live up to. What I will not accept is having to engage in idle chit-chat because people find [...]

Old Fashioned Applesauce

Just something simple for today. Sometimes, you just want to draw a picture of someone eating his own head, only it isn’t really his head, because he’s using his head to eat the new head. Also, when the old head isn’t attached to the body, the new head doesn’t have anywhere to go after it’s chewed up. This is basic stuff, but I thought I’d point it out to you.

“Recalls and Complaints regarding Grandpaternal Incorporated’s 2005 line of Grandparents.” by Nick Hilbourn

To Mr. Timmy Smothers,

Since 2000 Grandpaternal Incorporated (G.I.) has dedicated itself to ensuring that you receive the highest quality Grandparents. We consider our Grandparents the best money can buy in performance and longevity.

Having said this, it pained us to hear of your complaint that your 2005 Grandfather unit, make: 72-year-old male and model: Caucasian retired Toll Booth Operator, were not lucid and using curse words with guests. It is also upsetting to hear your Grandfather was urinating in the flower bushes, walking around the house nude and attempting to strike members of your family with a broken table leg. This is uncalled for and we sincerely apologize for this inconvenience. A G.I. crew will be sent to your home as soon as possible to remove your faulty grandparents and replace them with new ones.

Sincerely,

Arnold Johnson

Grandpaternal Incorporated Marketing Director