I don’t think I really had a joke in mind for this one. I just wanted a bagel.

Avoid this place.

The amenities, the cleanliness, the customer service, everything leaves a lot to be desired, and I certainly wouldn’t take my family here ever again. The only reason I gave this place even one star was due to the peace of mind provided by the ever-vigilant security guard, Mr Voorhees, who would stroll through the woods, every single night, with his protective white hockey mask and machete.

The original title of this one was “Tricks and Hos” but I decided I didn’t want to go there.

EVANSTON, Ill. (May 13, 2018) – In a shocking move following a whirlwind week that featured repeated junkets from Evanston to Chicago (the “Commute”), numerous late-night bottle feedings while her domestic partner (the “Husband) was out of town and three straight evenings of eating leftover baby food out of a jar while huddled defeated over the kitchen sink, a 5-foot-8, 175-pound frame of tired flesh (the “Body”) launched a surprise hostile takeover bid for Tracy McDonough (the “Company”). Details of the bid reveal the Company has been consistently undervalued for at least three decades.

I don’t know about you guys, but the pumpkin quality has been really poor around here.

Okay. Play it cool. Don’t look. But I think those Tapered Jeans 30% Off are tailing me.

Why do I think that? Well, for starters, they’ve been popping up in my rear-view for two long weeks.

In keeping with our Halloween theme, here’s Winslow’s entry into the fashion world.

Well, where do I begin when it comes to my dissatisfaction with this product?

I’ve always been led to believe that this novel was a classic, which would provide me with weeks of non-stop literary pleasure. Instead of which, I woke up at 9am, on the day Amazon Prime promised that my “pleasurable” item would arrive, to find my husband lying dead beside me.

Halloween in a monthlong holiday, so I’m going to upload Halloween-themed Ben & Winslow comics throughout October.

Dear Hailee,

I want to congratulate you on your 10-month-and-counting tenure of living in New York City. Based upon the recent life update posted on Facebook, you have experienced many things in the last 300 days and now consider yourself “a true New Yorker” (Marie, 2018a). These 300 days don’t take into account the time your spent at your parents for both Thanksgiving (Marie, 2017a) and Christmas (Marie, 2017b) or the photos of you on a beach in Cabo (Marie, 2018b). That trip lasted eight days, not including flights (Marie, 2018c)(Marie, 2018d) and included a four hour delayed flight on your return trip (Marie, 2018e).