“I Said I Would Get a Vasectomy, But…” by Gwen Summers

Jan 19th, 2022 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

I have two amazing little children with my beautiful wife. We always said we wanted to have a boy and a girl. And we got them! They are healthy, perfect. I said I would get a vasectomy, but you never know, we’re so young.

My wife says I should get a vasectomy so she doesn’t have to keep taking birth control pills every day, for 20 years. I said I would get a vasectomy, but why won’t she just get her tubes tied? The doctor said she would need general anesthesia. Seriously, they want me to do that without anesthesia? I might not be a doctor, but hey a surgery is a surgery.

***

Now I’m 32. I seriously thought about doing it. I even took a pamphlet. But then I read that you have to avoid sex and sports and hot tubs for a week afterwards? I lead a busy busy life and if I have to miss a week of pickup ultimate frisbee with Josh and Derek, I will literally die.

***

I’ve hit 38. My wife asked me if I had fantasies of leaving her and having a whole other family. I know I was the ‘reacher’ marrying her in the first place. And I know I said I would get a vasectomy, but what if she and the kids died in a plane crash and I had to repopulate the earth? They said it is just ‘a little snip’, but it looks like it hurts. Down there.

***

My wife hit 40. The doctor says she is too old to stay on birth control pills. That she’s risking blood clots or stroke. I had a kidney stone last year, so I know about medical problems! And yes I said I would get a vasectomy, but eww I even looked it up this time. You could get congestive epididymitis and that sounds bad. I can pull out.

***

Our kids are grown now. I remember I said I would get a vasectomy, but what if the kids have a catastrophic medical issue and need a kidney? What if we need another kid for their organs? You wouldn’t want one of our kids to die because I had a vasectomy!

***

Our daughter is planning her wedding. Our daughter says she would never want to be a middle child at 24, with a baby sister the same age as her own daughter. She threw a fit when she learned we weren’t using birth control and forbade her own parents to have sex?

***

I’m a 53-year-old man. According to my reliable internet research, if my wife accidentally got herself pregnant, she could get preeclampsia, gestational diabetes, and miscarriage. She says ‘can you even imagine us waking up in the middle of the night with a baby?’ But I get up in the middle of the night to pee anyway. Three times a night. So I guess I’m good. What if a vasectomy affected my sex drive?

***

Now I’m 56. At this point, I’d rather have a good poop than a night of tantric sex. And you never know. What if our daughter had a girlfriend who needed my sperm? Or what if the sperm bank was low on donations? There’s still good stuff in here! I’d be glad I wasn’t some fool who had permanent surgery, depriving these poor young women of their one chance at happiness.

***

Our son just had his second child. They are healthy, perfect. And then my supposedly brilliant son told me that he is going to get a vasectomy. I told him he was absolutely crazy! He’s still so young. And there are 100 other reasons! What if they miss and he is mortally wounded?

***

My wife hit menopause. No chance of me knocking her up anymore. I was right! I didn’t need a vasectomy after all…

***

Now I’m a 103-year-old man. My wife died a long 26 years ago. So I have a new wife, who is younger than my grandkids. Good thing I didn’t make an irreversible mistake!

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Gwen Summers is the pen name of a physician. Her words can also be read in The Belladonna, Slackjaw, Points in Case, and Little Old Lady Comedy.

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