Babysitting isn’t what it used to be
In today’s episode we’re paying tribute to one Greta Greene, a nanny who did her best. She always checked on the children without a phone call reminder, never allowed her friends to have sex in the house while working, and brought healthy snacks for her charges. Nonetheless, Greta is dead.
Greta Greene, of Haddonfield, lived eighteen years on this earth before taking her last breath at the home of Daniel and Danielle Butterworth on October 31st, following what authorities have described as “an unfortunate playdate mishap.” She was employed as the household nanny at the time. Born and raised in Fernhill, Greta moved to Haddonfield last June to make money with Nannies R Us rather than rack up debt at college.
The exact cause of death is still under investigation, but unlikely to be truthfully reported since Daniel Butterworth’s father is the Mayor and his mother the Medical Examiner. Nonetheless, this is what Deadly Dangerous has uncovered through stealth investigation:
At approximately 12:50 p.m. five-year-old Isabella Strode was dropped off at the Butterworth residence for a play date. Mrs. Kramer arrived minutes later with her son, John, age 8. At 1:10 p.m., both mothers accompanied Mrs. Butterworth in her Mercedes to Blissful Bitches Day Spa for their weekly manis and pedis. Benjamin Butterworth, age 5, remained home for said playdate, supervised by the late Ms. Greene. Mr. Butterworth was reportedly playing golf. The other fathers were in Las Vegas on business.
According to 911 records, at 2:18 p.m. Isabella Strode called to report a nanny in distress.
When police arrived on the scene, Benjamin Butterworth was found attempting to chain the cat to his bedpost. Saw was playing on a panoramic TV, and Benjamin’s face was covered in white baby powder and red-lipsticked circles. Ms. Greene was discovered in the kitchen. She had been duct taped to a kitchen chair and her mouth gagged with a rag that smelled of Windex. It’s unclear how she found herself in that position. A Craftsman hand saw was on the floor in a pool of blood.
When interviewed, Isabella Strode said her drawings of stick figure families in big houses with suns and colorful flowers was interrupted when How Many Licks? stopped playing in her ear buds. She heard grunting and ran to the kitchen, where she observed Ms. Greene writhing in her chair, one foot cut off. Isabella’s exact words: “There was a lot of red. My favorite color is red.” She dialed 911, as her mother, a partner at Mandrakis, Loomis and Doyle, had taught her to do. After which, she returned to her drawing.
John Kramer was discovered digging a hole in the backyard, a bloody duffle bag at his side. Upon further investigation, said duffle contained the severed foot, a jigsaw puzzle, a box of nails, and a kitchen timer. When asked why he didn’t attempt to bury the saw as well, he replied, “It wouldn’t fit in the bag, stupid.”
According to a trusted source in the PTA, Mrs. Butterworth wasted no time contacting a contractor to renovate the kitchen, which she’d wanted to do for years. A representative from Grover Smith Contracting stated Mrs. Butterworth’s reason for said renovation when asked: “I need a new color scheme.” The source also confided Mrs. Butterworth complained regularly about how lax Ms. Greene was with her son, What’s-His-Name? And that if it weren’t for COVID, she’d be “hiring an au pair from Latvia in a heartbeat.”
The bartender at Hole 19 told a TV reporter at WKIL that Mr. Butterworth entered the bar around 2:30 p.m., after being interrupted on the 17th hole to be told the tragic news. He appeared annoyed and ordered a Hypnotiq martini, mumbling something about missing a birdie. After a refill, Mr. Butterworth began spewing grotesque facts about what had occurred. He quipped, and I quote, “How was I to know Benjamin would want to play a game with my tools.” Mr. Butterworth cried while explaining his DIY project to save money after the failure of his last start-up. He must have left his toolbox in the downstairs bath. Out of sympathy, the bartender, who asked to remain anonymous, refused to let him pay for his drinks.
All three children were taken to Haddonfield General Hospital for observation, out of an abundance of caution, and are said to be in stable condition. When leaving the scene, Isabella and John reportedly asked Benjamin, “When can we come back and play?”
The Kramers and Strodes have not returned repeated requests for comment.
Greta Greene, a recent graduate of Fernhill High, belonged to the Drama Club (where she handled props) and Math Club (where she was known as the member who memorized the most digits of pi). Mrs. Johnson, a former employer and mother of three, had only praise for Greta. “My daughter wanted to be a babysitter just like her when she grew up.” Mr. Kelsey, her high school science teacher claimed she was “one of the smartest students I ever taught, but she did seem to lack common sense.”
Greta is survived by Mr. and Mrs. Greene, now of Miami, and twin siblings Sugar and Spice who work as body doubles in LA, all of whom are currently on vacation in Bali.
In lieu of flowers, the family requests donations via Venmo to The Nanny Defense Fund c/o Walter Greene. Services will be held at Mourningside Funeral Home. In Greta’s honor, free childcare will be provided.
Greta Greene will be greatly missed. By whom, we aren’t exactly sure. But let this be a lesson to all nannies, au pairs and part-time babysitters listening in today: The little darlings aren’t always what they seem. Be prepared for the worst. It’s “deadly dangerous” out there.
Tune in next week when our guest will be Amanda Bundy, Ted Bundy’s third cousin once removed on “How to Spot a Serial Killer Before It’s Too Late.” Until then, happy living.
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Sally Simon lives in the Catskills of New York State where she dreams of horror movies that don’t make her eyes roll. When not writing, she enjoys stabbing people with her epee. Read more at www.sallysimonwriter.com.