ATTN: Residents of Lavender Town
The Kanto Division of Pokémon Healthcare International regrets to inform you that we are closing the Lavender Town Pokémon Center, effective immediately. Closing your local Pokémon hospital was a tough decision, but given the Center’s low profits, our current financial situation, and the stock market’s recent shift from a Tauros market to a Teddiursa market, we feel it’s the correct one.
The Lavender Town Center has always been among the lowest earners in our multinational healthcare conglomerate, understandable given the small local population and the fact that the town’s biggest tourist draw is a tower of graves haunted by the ghastly spirits of deceased Pokémon. Since PHI first acquired the Center after our merger with Eastern Kanto Health, we’ve put everything we can into maintaining it; unfortunately, it just hasn’t been enough. Even raising prices by 150% over the last five years hasn’t helped!
In truth, the Lavender Town Center hasn’t been profitable for several years. Traffic from trainers seeking care for their Pokémon is low, but the cost of maintaining the Instant Healing Machine is high. Many in the area are uninsured, and choose to treat their Pokémon at home using over-the-counter products rather than pay out-of-pocket for our patented, premium medications. Additionally, the Nurse Joy Union forces us to pay the Center’s sole employee a living wage, which has exacerbated the Center’s financial woes further. These stressors have made keeping the Center open impossible to justify to our shareholders.
You may see news reports about raises PHI has recently given to our executive leadership, and be led to believe that they are why we’re closing the Lavender Town Center. Nothing could be further from the truth. As a business, we must do everything we can to retain talented individuals. It was therefore necessary to give our CEO a 25% raise; being the son of PHI’s founder, we simply couldn’t risk him taking his expert knowledge to a competing Pokémon healthcare company, should one arise in the future.
As for where to go when your Pokémon need medical help, our Saffron City location, just down Route 8, is more than prepared to take you on as valued customers. There are reports of Team Rocket gang activity along the route, but we’re sure they’ll leave you alone if you just ask nicely. Alternatively, you could avoid them by going off the road and through the tall grass, which would also give you the chance to see the beautiful local wildlife, such as the fire-breathing Growlithe, venomous Ekans, and excessively violent Mankey.
If you’re worried about longer waits at the Saffron City Center, have no fear. We’ve already informed the Nurse Joy there that she is to keep the average visit length the same despite the influx of new patients. Don’t worry about a change in prices, either—her salary is staying the same too, so you and your PokéDollars can breathe easy!
We apologize for any inconvenience this closure may cause, but we earnestly believe the quality of care you receive will remain the same. Meanwhile, PHI is planning many more exciting changes you can look forward to! For example, some locations will soon be replacing their human staff with trained Pokémon, which are almost as efficient but legally don’t have to be paid. We are also working on updating our energy grid to run entirely on renewable PikaPower®, so we can cut costs and redirect the savings toward our annual executive DEI retreat on Cinnabar Island. We’re confident you’ll accept these changes with open arms, and rest assured that we value you just as much as we do our Nurse Joys. That’s the PHI promise!
We’d like to thank you for your attention and understanding. We’d also like to encourage you to attend our upcoming public picnic in Viridian City. Residents of Lavender Town will receive a special discount on the price of admission, our treat. At the picnic we’ll be introducing the newest addition to our corporate team: the Chief Pokémon Trainer, who’ll oversee the independent contractors training those new Pokémon staff members we mentioned earlier. We hope to see you there!
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Darren Incorvaia is a science and humor writer who recently earned his PhD in Integrative Biology from Michigan State University. He grew up in New Jersey and is glad to see that the Jersey Devil has found stable work; he knows he’s had some hard times in the past.