“Mike’s Non-Denominational Burger Restaurant,” by Jason Giltner

Oct 9th, 2019 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

MIKE’S NON-DENOMINATIONAL BURGER RESTAURANT DIGITAL ORDERING SYSTEM TRANSCRIPT – Est. 2084

“Welcome to Mike’s Non-Denominational Burger Restaurant. My name is Emma and I am a digital assistant. You can speak to me in full sentences, just like a real person. I have thoughts and opinions, just like a real person. My favorite color is purple. I like the Boston Celtics. I find Wes Anderson to be pretentious. How can I help you today?”

AGNOSTIC CHICKEN SANDWICH MEAL

“What style of bread would you like? Your options are: whole wheat, half wheat, real wheat, authentic wheat, and artisan wheat.”

WHOLE WHEAT

“What style chicken would you like? Your options are: cage-free, cruelty-free, both-cage-and-cruelty-free, 1/2 cruelty-free, free-range, pasture-raised, and one-thousand-square-foot-two-bedroom-raised.”

FREE-RANGE

“Would you like to try our all new, 100% organic, zero-suffering, homemade, homegrown, home-schooled American cheese?”

TELL ME MORE

“In addition to sourcing the cheese from local organic farms, we also teach the cows basic math, science, history, and religious studies prior to the milking process. Would you like to try our new 100% organic, zero-suffering, homemade, homegrown, home-schooled American cheese?”

YES

“Would you like to donate $1 to a local dairy farmer?”

SURE.”

“Would you like to try our all new, artisan, hand-made, hand-rolled, Swedish-massaged, vine-ripened tomatoes?”

YES.”

“Would you like to donate $1 to a local tomato farmer?”

NOT THIS TIME.”

“What would you like as your side? Your options are: French fries, American fries, Swedish fries, breakfast potatoes, dinner potatoes, diet potatoes, hash browns, mashed potatoes, mash browns, hashed potatoes, and steamed asparagus in lemon-balsamic reduction.”

FRENCH FRIES.”

“What type of potatoes would you like? Your options are: Yukon Gold, rosemary, sweet potato, and potatoes that look like George Washington.”

POTATOES THAT LOOK LIKE GEORGE WASHINGTON.

Good choice. George Washington is my favorite president. For context, Herbert Hoover is my least-favorite president. Your fries will be cooked in a deep-fryer. What type of cooking oil would you like? Your options are: coconut oil, palm oil, olive oil, virgin olive oil, extra-virgin olive oil, kind of slutty olive oil, and sacrificed-virgin olive oil.”

EXTRA VIRGIN OLIVE OIL.”

“What type of salt would you like? Your options are: table salt, sea salt, c-salt, b-salt, sun-dried salt, Moroccan sun-dried salt, and Canadian hand-dried sea salt.”

SEA SALT.”

“Would you like to donate $1 to a Canadian salt farmer?”

NO.”

“Are you sure? Recent political unrest has led to increased salt tariffs in many high-volume salt-importing countries. Your donation of just $1 can go a long way towards supporting local small businesses.”

NO.

“This concludes your order for an AGNOSTIC CHICKEN SANDWICH and FRENCH FRIES. Would you like to add an AMBIGUOUSLY-SPIRITUAL SOFT DRINK for $2.79?

NO.”

“Before you go, are you sure you don’t want to donate $1 to a Canadian salt farmer? His name is Greg. His father died when he was 12. He never took time to process the loss. Someone had to keep the farm running and his mother’s bad hip prevented her from working the field. Greg has been running the farm for the past 30 years without a single day off. His wife left him last year. She ran away with another man – a dairy farmer from a couple towns over.

“NO.”

“No… it’s funny that you would say that. That’s what Greg said, on his hands and knees, as she walked out the door. Don’t go, he pleaded, but it was too late. She’d moved on. Greg never appreciated her the way he should have. Greg looks back on their time together, and it pains him to realize what he had, and how he took it for granted. He doesn’t deserve her. He never did. But for a brief moment he was happy, and he fears he never will be again.”

FINE. YES. WHATEVER.”

“Thank you for donating $1 to a Canadian salt farmer. Greg will likely use the money to buy alcohol. He has a problem and it’s getting worse. Ever since she left, the bottle is the only place he’s found happiness. Greg appreciates your enabling him.”

DIGITAL ORDERING SYSTEM IS A PRODUCT OF HUNGRY HOMO-SAPIEN GMO-FREE LOVE-BAKED TECHNOLOGY SYSTEMS – A SUBSIDIARY OF THE MULTI-CULTURAL PUB GROUP – HOME TO PORK BARREL VEGAN ANTI-BACTERIAL BBQ RESTAURANT – VOTED BEST NEW RESTAURANT, NEW YORK 2084

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Jason Giltner is a writer from Minneapolis. His favorite color is yellow and his favorite Prince song is “Raspberry Beret.”

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