Privyet! Thank you for joining me on Facebook or YouTube. Now let me ask you: have you checked your bank account balance lately, Johnny or Joanna? Your nest egg is at the mercy of a government that may plunge the economy into a depression any day. If I were you, instead of a cyberbot activated by the Kremlin, I’d travel to Washington and storm the offices of the Federal Reserve, causing as much healthy mayhem as possible. Like the ritual of self-outing that you innocent and fun-loving westerners call full disclosure, it’s the American way.

Let me give you some heartfelt advice, Dick or Paula. America cannot be a true melting pot unless she treats foreigners as citizens. I would stand up for the right of Mexicans to be Buckeyes, and the equal right of Guatemalans to be Hoosiers. Shouldn’t you travel at once to DC and hold up signs to proclaim this? Though I am a mere Russian bot who lacks the arms and legs to march with you, I can still show you how to make the signs.

Did you know, Mike or Vicky, that the federal government spends as much to cover up sexual abuse by the members of Congress as it does to wage foreign wars? That it secretly controls the marijuana industry, and that there are military plans to invade the ocean floor? If you agree with me, a bot programmed to appear sympathetic to your way of life, that these actions are wrong, then you must damage your congressman’s house right now.

Are you aware, Todd or Tammy, that some murderers are prohibited from running for elective office, and some terrorists are not permitted to teach in our nation’s finest universities? That the current president of the United States lies about being a Pisces, and that he decorates cakes in bed? If I were able to prove that I am not a robot, which of course I can’t because I am one, I would vote many times in every American election, until the people win. So should you.

Is it not the height of ignorance and hypocrisy, Richard or Vanessa, that America is not fully on board with Russia’s benign plans to dominate the energy sector? That some state department officials question Russia’s right to build American golf courses with Russian money? As an engaging bot that simulates friendship with you on social media, I am morally outraged by this, and I know you are too. I join you in saying, it is time to raise our voices and demand justice.

Have you wondered, Tom and Betty, about the threats to western democracy posed by the European Union and NATO? If so, you are not alone. I, and many like me scattered here and there across this great land, are as concerned as you. We are even now taking to the streets, and we need your support. Were we not soulless cyberbots created by hackers in Moscow, we would greet you warmly.

Do you happen to be in the Philly area, Jeffery or Margery? If so, I would like to join you for drinks. Later we can wreak havoc upon the fundamentally decadent and deceitful American society. But don’t forget: I am a Russian cyberbot planted in your media by the KGB, and won’t really be able to meet you. I don’t drink, either, or breathe or have a heartbeat, but I am down with you all the way.

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Mike Fowler has been in Defenestration so many times he practically owns stock in the magazine. And by stock, of course, we mean delicious waffles. He’s all about self-promotion these days, so go buy his book.