Beware the Sensual Gay Agenda

Mar 26th, 2018 | By | Category: Columns, Jonathan: Mysteries Answered!... and Stuff.

Here are a few activities for anti-gay politicians to do while avoiding their craving for gay sex!

Go for a Jog

We all have pent up frustration. It’s a natural part of life. So, why not release some energy by taking a run? Jogging is an aerobic exercise that has multiple benefits including maintaining a healthy heart, weight control, and stress management. It also increases your overall stamina. Plus, the faster you go, the better chance you can outrun  those pesky gay thoughts of yours.

Have a Snack

The patriarchy has made it clear that real men do not have emotions. So, when these feelings about sexuality and vulnerability come up, food is a viable solution. A mouthful of anything will help you bury those feelings deep into your gut until you’re ready to shit them out into nonexistence.

I recommend yogurt and almonds. Yogurt is fantastic – it has protein, supports a healthy digestive track, and has that wonderful creamy texture. A few nuts will add that wonderful salty crunchiness. Treating yourself to a healthy snack like this might just prevent you from turning to one of your associates and saying, “I need cock!” while pointing to your hungry, hungry mouth.

Start Smoking

Every conservative knows that an oral fixation is a sign of the devil … so why not replace those unhealthy urges with a delightful smokey treat? This will help conjure that magnificent era of the Marlboro Man and martini work lunches and when women were regulated to the kitchen and the secretary’s desk. Yes, back when men were just men doing manly things with no one out there to bother them.

But please remember your manners and offer a smoke to that shirtless rent boy who somehow ended up in the passenger seat of your car.

Play on Social Media

Facebook and Twitter aren’t just there for you to post articles about poor defenseless bakers being forced to serve same-sex wedding cakes at current market values. It’s also a great place to kill time and get your mind off other pressing matters.

Now, my husband and I have been together for about 15 years, so we missed the whole Grindr thing. But I think you’re supposed to swipe right on the guys you’re not interested in. (Make sure you let your pastor know. They tend not to be too tech savvy.)

Read a Book

Nothing says sophistication like a man who reads. And when I’m struggling with the daily toils of life, I like to escape into a good novel. John Preston’s Mr. Benson is one of my favorites. It’s a story of a masculine man’s man who is out to get what he wants…

This makes ideal reading material when you find yourself tapping your foot too loudly in an airport bathroom stall.

Go the Shooting Range

It is a well-known fact that the Gay Agenda for 2018 can be described as the following:
1. Be Nice to Each Other
2. Brunch
3. Exercise three times a week
4. Destroy the NRA
5. Moisturize

How dare they.

Show off your straight-male angst by heading down to the range and shooting those heavy phallic monster guns. It’s all about you and your power and how much you don’t have to listen to all those queer liberals and paid protesters and students activists and concerned parents. You’re a big strong Republican man, and you’re not going to take shit from anyone.

So grab that rapid-fire assault rifle, hold it right over your crotch and fire away while pretending your ejaculating your creamy bullets all over a hunky dreamboat’s chest.

Tags: ,

Comments are closed.