“Don’t Think Twice, It’s Alright,” by Carla Sarett

Feb 21st, 2018 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

August 16, 2017

Dear Ms. Letitia Swanson-Sorenson:

We at Architects for You! want to thank you for your continued faith in our firm, despite recent events which, we want to stress, were completely unanticipated.  Your new house, and your satisfaction with it, are of paramount importance to us. We at AFY! value each and every customer! You’re the reason we get up every day!

As for the doors, let’s all chalk that up to a learning experience. We did order the correct doors as per Mr. Swanson-Sorenson’s highly detailed letter of May 1, with the exquisite hand-crafted stained-glass windows from Milan. However, as you are no doubt aware, the doors that arrived were of the wrong size as well as color, and our workers failed to construct a barrier that was suitably strong for powerful hurricane winds. Absolutely our error! Be assured that the new doors, when they arrive, will exceed your expectations. However, given their unusual specifications, your doors will not arrive by Thanksgiving or even Christmas. This might be a great time to visit beloved friends and family for that “special” holiday season. Isn’t that what the holidays are really about?

Please be assured that we are working hard to address the flooding in the lower portion of the house. We were mortified to learn that Mr. Swanson-Sorenson’s prized collection of vinyl recordings was destroyed, and equally aghast to hear that he considers it “irreplaceable.” We are unfamiliar with the term “first pressing,” but as a good faith gesture, we’re enclosing a brand new CD of “The Freewheelin’ Bob Dylan.” We hope that he enjoys it!

That leads us to the delicate issue of the wildlife that now inhabits your house. We use the term “wildlife” advisedly since several of the species are protected under Federal (and State) laws. So, no, we cannot shoot the woodpeckers as Mr. Swanson-Sorenson so fervently urges. We must devise a creative solution for persuading these wonderful avian creatures (which, we realize, are rapidly destroying your oak beams) to move, gently, to the yard. Our best hope, at this juncture, is that a red-tailed fox might come to our rescue, since we did spot one such creature lurking in your garage. (Note: the flooding in the garage is totally unrelated to the flooding elsewhere in the house.)

We regret that Mr. Swanson-Sorenson husband was mauled by the birds in trying to enter the house. We only hope that he finally manages to heal his mental turmoil, which can go deeper than his physical scars. Remember: these birds are highly sensitive to hostile emotions, and they likely “detected” his inner rage and overwhelming negativity. We trust that he is coping better with the loss of his possessions which, after all, are mere worldly pleasures. Life is all about loss: even in the most luxurious of homes, we must face the fact that life itself is fleeting, and death is always at our heels, passing through to eternity.

On a personal note, we wish the two of you the best on your first wedding anniversary!


Mildred Lance


Carla Sarett’s short fiction and essays have appeared in literary and humor magazines such as Crack the Spine, Page and Spine, The Big Jewel, Intrinsick, Loch Raven Review, Blue Lyra Review, Skirt! as well as genre fiction anthologies (horror, romantic comedy, even cats.)  Carla has a Ph.D. from The University of Pennsylvania, and blogs about fiction at http://carlasarett.blogspot.com.

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