I know how awkward that must’ve been for you, coming home and finding me how you did. It was for me too.
I probably should’ve told you before we moved in together. The thing is I never expected you to see me that way, especially caught to your lace curtains by one of my zippers. It must’ve been hard to swallow.
The thing is and what I couldn’t express as you ran out screaming, was that it was a brand new gimp suit. I usually don’t try them on without a spotter, kind of like at the gym. So getting into it, especially in the middle of our living room, was a risk. And as you could see, most of the zips were in hard to reach places.
Now that the gimp suit thing is out of the bag, I feel relieved. And a bit like it’s taken our friendship to the next level. One of total honesty.
I want to take this opportunity to let you know a few more things I’ve been meaning to tell you for a long time now.
First of all, and I hope you can see where I’m coming from here, your relationship with Ben is creepy. When I walked in on Thursday and you were booping the tips of each other’s noses with your fingers while saying boop, boop, boop, boop, I threw up a bit of the mousakka I had for lunch inside my mouth. The fact that he has flowers delivered to your workplace too, I mean, the guys a sicko.
Also, when you leave those notes to me on the bathroom mirror, you know, telling me to have a great day, I kind of hate it. If I’m going to have a great day, I can do it without the help of a Post-it. Frankly, the amount of paper you use is alarming.
Finally, please do not show me even one more picture of your nephew. To you, there is a human being there, one that has Uncle Bobby’s eyes or Nanna’s dimples. To others, he’s just a meat blob. I would hold off on sharing any pictures until he’s about three or four — unless he’s dressed in a lobster costume or as a hot dog, in which case I will happily have a look.
Phew! Doesn’t that feel good?
Because I’ve been so understanding of your weird tendencies all this time, I’m sure you’ll find it in your heart to accept what I do with my alone time—time when you’re supposed to be in work and when I should be getting punished for being a very bad boy, very very bad.
Your curtains should be mended by Friday, the latest.
L. Soviero firmly believes that if you ruin someone’s couch or curtains or tablecloths with your gimp suit zippers, it’s your responsibility to make sure they’re fixed. Always do the right thing, people. Always. I’m serious.