Expletives in a Glass

Mar 20th, 2017 | By | Category: Columns, Jonathan: Mysteries Answered!... and Stuff.

Recently, a friend of mine informed me he had come up with a brand new cocktail to sum up America in its current form. He called it, “The Trump.”  It’s just vodka, olive juice and a turd. Yes, literally a piece of shit in your glass.

Well, I can tell that the next few years are going to require A LOT of drinking. So, I’ve compiled a few recipes for your drinking pleasure over the next unbearable four (eight?) years.

 

Manhattan

Ingredients: Bourbon, Sweet Vermouth and a few dashes of Bitters. Garnish with a lemon or orange twist.

(But if you don’t actually live in Manhattan and make a minimum of $80,000/year, then it’s called the Flat Bush.)

 

The Dirty Mother

Ingredients: half Brandy and half Coffee Liqueur on the rocks.

Can’t remember what goes in this drink? Just remember the old saying: “A dirty mother beats her kids, Brandy and Kahlua.” Now, if you add a splash of cream, it’s called a Dirty White Mother–

–Wait. What’s that, Becky? That’s offensive?! Just hold the cream then. It’s always been your choice.

 

The Dead Baby

Ingredients: Gin, Tonic Water, Sugar Cubes and an Olive.

Let the olive/dead baby sink to the bottom of the glass and then drop the sugar cubes in the mix. Consume this drink only if you have the stamina, but you are required to judge others harshly if they even think of ordering one for themselves.

 

The Golden Shower

Ingredients: Goldschlager, Grand Marnier, Lemonade, Water, whatever…

Look, it really doesn’t matter what you put into this drink. It’s supposed to be yellow and you’re not supposed to drink it. You’re just meant to pose with it while telling someone how disappointing it is that Flint, Michigan still doesn’t have safe drinking water.

 

The Rick Perry

Ingredients: Rail Gin, Red Bull or some other energy drink.

Best consumed after your friend got you a high-powered position at the Department of Energy despite you only having a C-average in your Animal Science Bachelor’s Degree.

 

The All Lives Matter Cocktail

Ingredients: Rum, Triple Sec, Orange Bitters. Lots and lots of Cream.

Add as much cream as necessary. The concoction should be as white as possible. You know, to ensure that people will take it seriously.

 

The Participation Award

Seriously, it’s just a can of Budweiser, one that you open yourself and drink. And feel proud of yourself for it. Bottled beers can also count, as long as they have screw caps.

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