Poop deck—where you walk about on the boat. The classic rude boating term.

Head—the toilet on a boat, and also a term for oral sex that Lou Reed thought rhymes with “head” (I know, it’s the same word!).

Abreast—when two boats lay together in a way the Bible probably frowns upon; a boob.

Bilge pump—no idea but makes a fine euphemism.

Jacob’s Ladder—ha ha! That’s a film! It’s also a rope ladder I guess. It might be a biblical reference. That’s two mentions of the Bible I’ve made in the space of about 50 words. Must be my strict Catholic upbringing? But I seriously doubt that’s likely to influence anything.

Screw—a propeller, and also a dirty word about doing sex.

Clove hitch—a knot or something, but sounds filthy.

Ground tackle—a term for the anchor and associated bits and bobs, plus a name for an extremely long penis, like a horse’s penis for example.

Helm—the end of the penis, and I think the wheel. “Take the helm” I’ve heard pirates yell in movies. I think I might have even heard Steven Seagal say it, although that was at a party in Flint, Michigan.

Snatch block—a pulley of some sort, also a Cubist vagina.

Seaman’s big cock—a name for the plug between the Flenner Horn and the Stifflersmom that releases water from the sternport vaginamatic. (nb. “vaginamatic” did not trigger the Microsoft Word red wiggly spelling line—further investigation needed).

C**tline—oh my god, honestly, this is real! It’s part of a rope apparently. Woaah!

Lubber’s Hole—the aperture through which a sailor can crawl into or out of the Crow’s Nest; or, the aperture men at sea covet on each other after about a week.

Futtock shroud—this sounds saucy!

Intracoastal waterway—I think there might be something wrong with me psychologically. I can’t stop with the double entendres, and they’re getting more tenuous. Please, I need some advice.

Boat—this is normal and yet it sounds dirty as anything to me.

Ballbag—this isn’t even anything to do with boats. I can’t stop! What the fuck is happening to me?

Flange—I’m scared.

Taint—please God, make this stop, I beg you.

Porthole—I’m having a panic attack.

Two-stroke engine—…

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Simon Pinkerton is a humor and fiction writer from London, England. He’s disease free! Please read his stories and funnies, links at www.simonpinkerton.tumblr.com and follow or tweet him @simonpinkerton before literally nobody uses Twitter anymore, currently scheduled for around 2018.