Dear feminists complaining about blue liquid in feminine hygiene commercials,

We accede to your demands and have heard your cries! No longer will we use blue liquid in tampon and pad commercials. Following the rupture of our respective eardrums after being nagged to death by the sound of your shrill voices, the men of Ladies’ Choice Feminine Care propose a peace offering.

Tomorrow at 9 am sharp we will convene in Maxi Plaza for the very first bi-annual sacrificing of the first-born male virgin. As you know, over 80% of our staff is comprised of Protestant Caucasian men. In an attempt to diversify our staff and feature actual blood in our next commercial, we are counting on YOU to assist us with these sacrificial rites.

For legal purposes and because HR told us so, we cannot really sacrifice ten male virgins for the purpose of providing fake menstrual blood for TV commercials. Consider it just a metaphor. Instead, we will be holding a blood drive to collect samples to drop on unnaturally positioned and or levitating feminine hygiene products. We know that this is not as showing the real stuff on TV, but Steven from accounting said that it would be “gross” and our token female staff member Patty declined to comment.

Please arrive promptly and BYOS (bring your own syringe) to take part of the day’s festivities. You will have your choice of drawing blood from a John, a Rick, or a Steve. John doesn’t really know why he works here and Rick and Steve aren’t really sure what and where the uterus is so please be patient, as you might have to explain female anatomy. Also, please don’t mention the word vagina because Steve will get supremely grossed out. Instead, use the term “lady parts,” as we have found that it is relatively neutral and conjures up images of daisy chains and flower fields.

After the blood has been drawn, you will be invited to watch the first ever taping of a feminine hygiene commercial that contains real blood in Midol Pavilion, adjacent to Maxi Plaza. We rely heavily (Ha! Get it?) on the “playing sports while on your period” trope and suggest you wear protective eyewear in case any stray tennis balls fly out into the audience.

Refreshments and gifts bags from our sponsors will be available throughout various checkpoints, just look for the Japanese flag.

We hope that this offer will relieve some of the previous tension (Which we know you get a lot of, ouch! Cramps!) between us.

Rock on and may the flow be forever in your favor!

Sincerely,

The lads of Ladies’ Choice Feminine Care

————

Ella is a college student from California majoring in the art of avocado toast. She’d appreciate it if you didn’t ask her what she plans on doing with her life.