On a day there was a man. And on that day that man had an idea…a rotten idea. It involved taking a goldfish—a live one, not the snack—and placing it in his bottom. And not just one. As many as he could muster.

That day a movement was born. Or not so much a movement as a pretty taboo hobby. So many goldfish were placed in so many bottoms across so many states by so many people. It was called, or at least rumored to be called, Fishpacking.

On another day there was a celebrity. A very famous celebrity who had heard of this very underground thing, and let’s just say for the sake of argument his name was Robin Thicke.

One evening this celebrity (Robin Thicke, for our intents and purposes) emerged from a fancy restaurant with an attractive young lady. As he and the young lady walked out into the public world, all of the sudden a small, lifeless little goldfish was caught protruding from the singer’s—Robin Thicke’s—pant leg. Then another, and another, and still another, until a small pile of little fishes had accumulated around Mr. Thicke’s feet.

People stopped and stared, murmuring and texting. Thicke broke down – exclaiming that he “needs help.”

After being rushed to the emergency room the local news station reported that approximately 67 small-to-average sized goldfish had been extracted from his anal cavity. A world record…at least as far as anyone knows.

But why? Because Robin Thicke is a Fishpacker.

And has been for years.

After the scandal people started coming forward – men, women, children, senior citizens—everyone. Things had gotten so bad that it had even spread to the suburbs. Rebecca S. Lipdisch, the sole, hardworking, no-shit-taking, tight-ponytailed marine biologist who’d dedicated her career to tracking the recent nosedive in the goldfish population gave a 25 minute interview on CNN. Later we find that goldfish hold a biological importance equivalent to that of honeybees, promptly winning Rebecca a well-deserved Nobel Prize, and narrowly avoiding an environmental catastrophe ten times greater than fossil fuel induced global warming.

And now, when people look back at that near cataclysmic event, they raise a glass to Robin Thicke. The famous man who did the bad thing that made the world a better place.

————

Jack Bedrosian is a writer who was born in North Carolina.