Lizzie Boredom

Jan 26th, 2014 | By | Category: Columns, Eileen: This is Your Brain On...

Whether or not Lizzie Borden killed her step-mother and father on August 4th, 1892 (hint: she probably did), Lifetime’s “Lizzie Borden Took an Ax” isn’t going to waste your time with wondering on whether Borden was innocent or guilty when it can spend 70 minutes of an 85-minute-film showing off all the money it spent on strawberry jam slathered on Halloween masks representing the dead Mr. and Mrs. Borden.

Lizzie dons her 1892 eyelet maxi dress from ASOS for MURDER.

Lizzie dons her 1892 eyelet maxi dress for MURDER.

Despite Christine Ricci’s death ray eyes, Lifetime’s version of Borden’s life is rather dull. Which is disappointing, as the last TV movie about Lizzie Borden (“The Legend of Lizzie Borden,” 1975) was far more interesting with close-ups that zoomed right up into Lizzie’s eyeballs.

This camera is about to be all up in your retinas.

This camera is about to be all up in your retinas.

However, Lifetime’s take on Lizzie’s life is pretty accurate. And as we all know, accuracy is boring, which is probably why I had to settle for being amused by all the utility poles.

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Check out all those utility poles. The ghost of Samuel Morse just orgasamed.

So, what’s true? What’s false? Does Christina Ricci ever blink her moon-saucer eyes? Let us find out:

True or False: Lizzie Borden’s dad was kind of a dick.

Lizzie Borden’s dad, Andrew Jackson Borden, worked in manufacturing, property development and banking. He was a jack-of-all trades, but was he a jack-off? The movie seems to think so. But the movie also thinks concrete sidewalks were a big thing in 1892. Nice try, movie.

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Put that hint of incest away right now!

Conclusion: Probably a False. Sure, Andrew didn’t live with his fellow Bordenians on “The Hill” and instead chose to live in a house with no indoor plumbing, but he sent Lizzie to Europe! Sweet. He also killed her flying rats (pet pigeons). Whoopsies.

True or False: Lizzie believed in the five-finger discount.

In the movie, Borden steals an ugly mirror and her step-mother’s money.

Conclusion: So True.

The removal of Mrs. Borden’s money (and some jewels) led to Mr. Borden locking all the rooms in the house and leaving the key in plain view. A very clear “Fuck you” to anyone.  “Anyone” being Lizzie, who stole so often, local stores just automatically billed her dad.

True or False: Lizze liked to sneak out of the house and go to 1890s frat house parties.

In one scene, Lizzie dresses up as a hooker from a brothel in a John Wayne movie and gets her spinster on.

Conclusion: False. Though later in life, Lizzie threw some wild get-togethers, which caused her sister to move out of their shared home in Fall River. They never spoke again. Emma Borden could forgive murder, but drawing penises all over her face while she was asleep was the last straw.

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Time for a ye olde kegstand.

True or False: If Lizzie killed her father and step-mother she did it naked. Or nearly naked.

Why not both? Christina Ricci kills her step-mother in her ASOS maxi dress (or “underwear”) and then takes off all her clothes to hack her dad to death in broad daylight. Lifetime made sure to get a good shot of Ricci’s naked back moving around suggestively, because what’s hotter than patricide? (An acquittal. BOOM!)

Conclusion: False, since in 1892, not wearing gloves to church was considered flashing, you harlot.

True or False: Lizzie Borden was a lesbian. Or she was straight. Maybe both. Basically she was horny. Repressed horny.

In any gruesome murder case, there needs to be some sexy, so throw in a hint or two about Lizzie Borden maybe being a lesbian or maybe maybe sleeping with her dad or maybe maybe maybe making out with a half dressed soldier by the barn in her maxi-dress-nightgown-underclothes gown.

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Aww yeah. He is going to re-paint that trim so hard.

Conclusion: Who gives a shit? Get it, gurl. Unless it’s with your dad. Then un-get it.

True or False: Lizzie Borden is so famous, there’s an 80’s band named after her.

Conclusion: True. So wonderfully, wonderfully true.

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