Bag of Boners Part Two: Pierce Breaks More Shit

Feb 6th, 2012 | By | Category: Columns, Eileen: This is Your Brain On...

Bag of Bones continues! Big band music! Interpretation of small town citizens as idiots! More gratuitous scenes of drowning little girls! Let me tell you, you’re in good hands. I have lots of experience drowning things, specifically my Glamour Barbie. What a whorelet.

When we left Pierce Noonan, he was experiencing a day of terror. His housekeeper interrupts him: “Excuse me, sir? Why are you screaming over the half-filled bathtub?” and he’s all: “HAHAHAHAHHAAHA! What?” and she replies with: “Oh gosh, shucks, being from Maine country, I need to finish cleaning up this tub right quick so I can get home and rest my stereotype.”

She then helpfully expositions about what “Dark Score Crazy” means, but Pierce Noonan wants specifics: do people go crazy with Dark Score Crazy? (This guy has a terrible imagination for a writer.) The housekeeper reveals that all these men have in fact, gone crazy and have killed little girls!

“Oh wow, that’s gross, “ Pierce Noonan’s face says, “but Ms. Housekeeper, was my wife banging dudes in this cabin?” Are you serious, Pierce? I think the housekeeper is also offended, because she leaves. Noonan decides to take matters into his own hands and goes online to Goog–I mean, Interweb Detective “Dark Score Crazy.” He comes up with nothing, not even 4Chan can help him. So he promptly goes up to his wife’s old work room attic and trashes the shit out of it. Then he sniffs the bedsheets.

This happened.

Suddenly he discovers an attic ABOVE the attic. A super-attic? The attic attic has a collection of creepy owls, a desk chair, some lye and a adorable raccoon that nearly kills our hero. So close, Mr. Raccoon! Better luck next season.

Noonan then finds a bunch of books about Dark Score! He flips through them, and seems sort of bored because there’s no reference to his wife cheating on him. What the hell, secret books?

He delves deeper into the mysteries of Sara Tidwell. He manages to pull up on his iPad a video recording of her performing in the 1930s. And yet he can’t seem to Google (sorry “Interweb Detective”) “Dark Score Crazy.” The mysteries of life!

Mattie shows up and bounces around and reveals that her sole custody of KyRA is pretty much a lock because Max has been paying off KyRA’s ad-litem or something. I don’t see how this means that Mattie is now safe and clear from the custody battle, but, whatever, bouncy bouncy bouncy!!

Then Mattie sees a familiar face in Noonan’s family photo. It’s the man she saw at the coffee shop with Noonan’s wife Jo! Noonan laughs gloriously. What relief! That’s his brother, his GAY brother. Hahahaha! Yay! Gay Brother Sid!

Then then, Mattie, like any 21-year-old bouncy bouncy gives the nearest 60-year-old man a big kiss on the lips. Yum!

You taste like my dad.

Noonan walks back inside his house to find it trashed by the ghost of Sara Tidwell, and proceeds to do her one better by breaking her records. That’s right bitch, Pierce will always break more shit than you! He returns to his magical fridge magnets, still trying to decipher the code “Sid Own Lft” secretly wondering if that’s the name of the Swedish man who boned his dead wife.

He calls his Gay Eunuch Brother Sid and Sid makes a joke about “knocking boots” and Pierce is like “HAHAHAHA. No, seriously, do you know anything about a lift? Maybe something you put in a shoe or an elevator in a factory where my wife was banging some dude? No? Okay.”

Pierce runs into his favorite Lady Tree and is hitting on the tree hard core (my mom wishes she were that tree), he puts his hand on the tree’s stomach and she zaps him and he pukes. That is an efficient deterrent for tree rape! He’ll think better next time.

Not to sound SAPPY, but you look GOOD, Lady Tree.

Suddenly, Pierce runs into Max, his motorized wheelchair and his assistant Rogette up on a rocky cliff. Max gives a long soliloquy about whores and rotting butterflies and Pierce sums up the audience’s thoughts by saying “what the hell are you talking about?”

Max wants to know if Pierce is sure he wants “to be the little girl’s hero.” And Pierce is like “Enough of ye!” and then Rogette punches him in the face and he falls off the cliff into the water and he shouts “ARE YOU CRAZY?!” and Rogette goes “AH-ha! HAHAHA!” and throws stones at him and continues to cackle like a Chico’s mannequin witch while Max yells out at him about responsibility.

Nothing to see here! Just taking a daily cliff walk wheelchair stroll.

So Pierce jogs back to his house in his soaking wet clothes (my mom wishes she were those clothes) and instead of calling the police and filing a report about being punched off a cliff he picks up a package at his door that is later revealed to be copies of his new book and then JASON PRIESTLEY: AGENT OF TEEN DREAMS leaves a voice-mail saying that the package has copies of Pierce’s new book. Phew, I’m glad I received verbal confirmation about the thing I just saw!

Instead of calling the phone company to report his lost phone or using his iPad to report his lost phone, Pierce pours himself a drink and decides to play a relaxing game of Words With The Dead. He gets a visit from the local deputy who passes on a message from Max that he wants Pierce to agree to “cease all legal maneuvers and let Mr. Devore rest in peace.” There’s no “catch” Pierce just needs to call Max and “agree to the terms.”

Pierce Mike Noonan has the same “whatthefuck?” look on his face as the audience, but he calls Max anyway—which is weird because why doesn’t he send a special convoy with a special message? Was his Gay Brother Sid busy?

But instead of simply calling and agreeing to Max’s nonsensical FORESHADOWING deal, Pierce Noonan says Rogette is an ugly bitch and promises to ring her scrawny turkey neck. You can’t just punch ex-James Bond off a cliff and expect to get away from it verbally unscathed, Rogette!

So after all that delightful banter, Noonan agrees to Max’s terms of 1) ceasing his legal maneuvers which was really only five minutes of his time applying basic logic to a custody battle taking place in what appeared to be in the “VHS Tapes” section of a public library and 2) let Mr. Devore rest in peace, implying perhaps a knowledge of Pierce Noonan’s ability to make out with dead people and maybe Mr. Devore is a bit frightened of this happening because he’s not scared of a man-on-man embrace, no, not that at all, in fact, he yearns for the touch of Pierce Noonan, for his strong manly arms and the chance to touch that furry, masculine chest as Pierce kisses him with a burly fiery passion of sensual Irish fierceness.

OR, Max simply wants a promise that Pierce won’t drink a pack of Nattie Lights and pee on his grave. Could just be that.

In the next scene Rogette gives Max a bath. I am hacking to cough up a hairball that doesn’t exist. She shoots him up with some drugs and puts a plastic bag over his head and kills him. Girl, if you were looking for a promotion, you are going at it the wrong way.

Romantic interlude.

Then! Pierce has a dream and is transported back to the County Fair of the Past and he runs away with KyRA from some menacing white dudes into a barn with hay bales and empty whistling jars. He tells KyRA to just squeeze his hand tighter if she gets scared and she replies that she isn’t holding his hand and he turns and AHHH, A LITTLE BLACK GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Terrifying.

Sara appears and screams “CUSTODY HAS ITS RESPONSIBILITIES!” I don’t know if you should discuss responsibilities to a man who can’t even Interweb Detective a new phone.

Pierce wakes up because Mattie is calling! Max killed himself! Bouncy bouncy! They set a date for dinner and Pierce gets on his computer to find out it’s been THE SHINING-ED and it says “BAG OF BONES” everywhere!

WHAT DOES IT MEANNNNN?!?!

Whatever. Funeral! Pierce follows an old man wheelchair-ing away from the funeral to his conveniently located nursing home. The old man then reveals what really happened to Sara Tidwell. SURPRISE, SHE GOT GANG RAPED. So the menacing white guys at the county fair were all like, “aww, yeah! She’s hot and black, let’s all of us pull on our suspenders and run into her in the woods where she is smoking randomly and make racist comments and then gang rape her and OOPS THERE’S HER KID WITH A BASKET PICKING MOSS GOTTA DROWN HER.”

Before Max kills her, Sara curses the men, which means that all of their male descendants will drown their daughters. Here are some better curses:

1) Curse all the men who gang raped her to get gang raped and die.

2) Curse all the men who gang raped her to watch Bag of Bones 1 and 2 forever and ever. Until they die.

Pierce goes over to Mattie Bouncy Bouncy’s house and she licks her lips in the hallway and points to her apron that says “Kiss the Cook.” They suck face and her daughter appears: GIGGLE GIGGLE “READ ME MY BEDTIME STORY MR. MIKE I AM SO PRECOCIOUS, LOVE MEEEEE.”

Pierce reads KyRA a story and she reveals that she had a dream about Mr. Pierce, the SAME DREAM HE HAD. ZOMG. Instead of asking Pierce why he’s scared of black people, she refers to Sara as the “mad lady” and tells Pierce Sara’s daughter is her friend. The “mad lady” made her dad try to kill her. But whatever, finish story-time! She conks out by page two. No joke: all that giggling must have tuckered her out.

Mr. Pierce reveals the curse to Mattie Bouncy Bouncy. And Mattie in turn reveals that is why Jo never told Pierce she was pregnant because she feared he’d kill her daughter! Pierce is so relieved! “Thank you!” he says. Thank you? Thank you for telling me that I’m cursed and would have killed my child if it had the unlucky chance of being born a girl? (Also, please to note that in the novel, all the children are cursed to die, not just the girls. But who cares. This version will be a hit in China!)

They celebrate by making out and then Mattie gets SHOT IN THE FACE. SHOT. IN. THE. FACE. While making out. While swapping spit. You are wondering what sort of man would make out with some chick after talking about his glorious dead wife who passed away only a few months ago but then that chick gets SHOT IN THE FACE. WHILE MAKING OUT. Republicans, you have your new birth control.

I'm still very handsome.

Rather than yelling “are you kidding me?!” Mattie dies asks Pierce to take care of her baby and Pierce grabs a chicken tenderizer because that’s the best weapon you can find in a kitchen. Pierce hits the sniper in the head with the tenderizer a few times and finds KyRA awake and sobbing.

SOB SOB SOB. More evil bad guys to kill KyRA! It’s revealed that Max wanted custody of KyRA so he could kill KyRA but then when he realized that Pierce was around and his bloodline was also cursed, that he could kill himself because Pierce would end up killing KyRA anyways because she’s the last little girl of the bloodlines, even though she isn’t related to Pierce and Sara said the men would only kill their own daughters? Technicality I guess? That is some curse Sara.

CURSE NEGOTIATOR

But I guess the other dudes didn’t get Max’s memo that Pierce would be taking care of business because they shot KyRA’s mom and are now chasing Pierce down a rainy street. But luckily something even more logical happens when a sign is hit by lightening and falls onto the bad guys’ truck and kills them all!!

SOB SOB SOB. KyRA falls asleep again. She’s got the right idea. I want to fall asleep too. Pierce puts her to bed and walks downstairs where Sara’s ghost attacks him with a shitload of old records and the tub turns on, and Max’s ghost is taking a relaxing bath and referring to Pierce as Daddy and KyRA as whorelet. I’m only reporting the news, people.

Jo’s voice rises up, whispering “Lie Still Bag of Bones.” Pierce discovers that Jo is INSIDE HIS WRITING. And DOWN LFT SID means DOWN LEFT SIDE. “Owls Above Studio” is one paragraph and “Lie Still Bag of Bones” is “Lye will Still her Bag of Bones.” If Jo is in his computer, she has a virus.

Pierce runs to the sexy tree he’s been trying to sex and digs up Sara and her daughter and they are very well preserved, I must say. No bag of bones anywhere! Suddenly the tree starts to beat the shit out of Pierce with its branches and it’s hilarious. But then Jo appears and fights the evil demon Sara who was viciously raped and murdered and her child was killed before her very own eyes. Who cares, Sara! Lye all over their faces! GO TO REST, GHOSTS.

Jo tells Pierce she loves him and disappears. Pierce runs home and finds KyRA in the bathtub crying. Rogette is there and she is going to kill the little whorelet! Where is a tenderizer when you need it?! Pierce and Rogette fight over beard trimming scissors and KyRA cries and cries and cries but then Pierce stabs Rogette in the neck! Yay! Blood squirts all over! KyRA’s mother Mattie appears out of the water and says goodbye to her daughter. Get ready for therapy for the rest of your life, KyRA. I hope you get a good discount.

Wow, policemen are here! They haven’t been around for all the other unexplained murders, but it’s never too late. KyRA tells Pierce that her dead mom said that he’s going to be her dad now, and he’s ready to be a father! Finally, 150-something-year-old Pierce has grown up! Then they decide to go paddling on Dark Score Lake where little girls were drowned. (Also, don’t forget Kyra almost drowned. Twice.)

THE END.

Questions I have:

  • Why?

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Eileen hopes you enjoyed her Bag of Bones review, you little whorelet.

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