When Jonathan was born, I knew that something inevitable was coming. It was something that I dreaded more than anything else. It was something so sinister, so evil, so clearly designed to oblige a parent to act against their will just to fit in. It was the baby dedication.

I wanted my baby to walk this earth with Jesus by his side; don’t get me wrong. But I didn’t want to have to tell everyone in the church because quite frankly, it gets boring hearing all of these people wish the same thing for their kids. However, I wrote the dedication, and I gave it in front of the congregation with the pastor standing by my side. It was all for the sake of baby Jonathan.
 
However, I refused to be one of the goody-two-shoes parents. This wasn’t going to be a generic baby dedication meant to impress everyone else. Oh no. My child was going to get something special. Something unlike anyone had ever seen before. This is what I delivered.

***

My hope is that Jonathan’s life will be one that is centered on Jesus. I hope that he accepts the Lord into his heart by his own will. I hope that his walk with the Lord is both fulfilling for himself and for the other people of this Earth.

I also hope he becomes a cage fighter. He doesn’t have to win the championship. That’s not a demand that I would place upon you God; however, I would love to see him in a finals round. At least once! However, if you see fit, God, being the father of a champion would be nice. It would be wonderful even.

I also hope Jonathan is a real stud. I hope all the ladies love him. I want them to love him not just for his cage fighting skills but also his heart and mind.

While on the subject of his mind, I want Jonathan to be unreasonably smart. I want him to be able to do the Rubik’s Cube in less than ten seconds. I want him to be a doctor and a lawyer. He should be able to speak ten languages fluently. Then he will be able to boast about his cage fighting exploits in a hundred countries.

However, don’t let him boast too much. I want him to be humble. I want him to be more humble than Mohandas Ghandi. I want him to be so humble that people won’t even know who he is until they see a poster of his cage fighting alias: The Crimson Clock.

I hope he owns a pocket watch. A pocket watch is a sign of power. It’s both practical and showy. Also, a cage fighter named The Crimson Clock needs to carry a pocket watch. Not only would it suit his character, but he would also never be late to a fight or a meeting with the Rubik’s Cube people in case they offered him a position as their spokesman.

I want Johnathan to be blessed with a helicopter license. There is no better way to make an entrance than in a helicopter.

I hope that Jonathan would be blessed with some kind of supernatural ability. But I beg you Lord to please not make him suffer a spider bite or some kind of radioactive accident. Please, just let him be born with the powers. Let him use them for good, not evil, unless being evil is for the good of the people. Let him be able to make that sacrifice and shoulder the blame to help his fellow man. Let him shrug off the shame as he casually glances down at his pocket watch.

I hope Jonathan becomes good friends with a celebrity. I’ve always wanted to be on the set of a movie. Having Jonathan be a celebrity would be too much of a hassle. I don’t want him constantly running from the paparazzi. If he was just friends with a celebrity, we could get all the perks of being celebrities without all the cameras.

Most of all though, I just want Jonathan to follow the path that you set out for him, Lord. I just hope he is able to follow that path in a helicopter.

***

Jonathan and I now attend a different church.

————

Kenneth Cernik is pretty much awesome. He’s tall, he’s pale, and he’s writing this biography. He loves writing humor and putting on sunscreen before he swims.