While working for my corporate overlords, it hasn’t escaped my attention that a huge complaint from co-workers seems to be the lack of available time off. After pondering this for about a few seconds, I started thinking, which I generally reserve for special holidays like Kwanzaa, but I digress.

Therefore, I’ve used all of my amazing consulting skills to create a list of how one can achieve these desired days off – of course they will come with a trip to your local unemployment office, but that’s just you finally getting your refund from Uncle Sam, so have at it!

1. Schedule meetings of high-importance with the senior-most officials in your office, then show up late and drunk – very, very drunk.

TIP: Build up your tolerance to alcohol by adding whiskey to your coffee each morning, reduce the amount of coffee daily until you are finally just drinking whiskey from your mug.

2. Show your appreciation for a job well done with a pinch on co-workers bottoms and be sure to compliment their ability to keep a toned caboose, considering all they seem to do is sit on their ass all day in their cube.

3. Cover your hands in Vaseline and ensure that you shake hands with all team members and various other nearby office employees – to increase disgust, always touch as many keys on their keyboards as possible.

SET GOALS: 20 keyboards every morning.

4. Walk into the fullest men’s room confidently and exclaim that everyone else at the urinals is hung like “a trophy figurine” – this is extremely effective for females and almost totally ensures a long vacation from the desk and possibly one behind bars.

These are just a few ideas – do with them what you will. I can’t supply anything further for less than $400 an hour according to my consulting company.

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Alison Burke is a writer from the Washington D.C. area, and has been a past Defenestration contributor. She enjoys cake and male models. She wishes her life was more like a Baby Bash video — save she would be the douche wearing a sideways cap as bikini-clad men grooved comedically for her viewing pleasure.