Dear Mr. Queem:
Although your story, A Hamster’s Heartbreak, does not meet our needs at this time, we thank you for submitting it, and we wish you the very best of luck placing it elsewhere.
Sincerely,
Editor
Backbiter Press
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dear editor
you have to publish my story. hamster huey has cancer and my story needs to be published for him to survive and you wouldnt want him to die would you? my story has been rejected by 47 editors so far and that’s wrong cause it took me three years to write it and i cry every time i read it and sometimes i think i am little huey except i’m not.
i’m submitting seven copies this time so you can get a second opinion.
sincerely,
artemis queem
* * *
Dear Mr. Queem:
Your story was rejected not for lack of copies. We cater to a niche market, and your story is simply not suitable for that market. I suggest you read a copy of our magazine, Gay Mutant Extraterrestrial Romantic Mysteries, before submitting again.
We wish you the very best of luck in placing your story elsewhere.
Sincerely,
Editor
Backbiter Press
* * *
dear editor
here’s 20 copies of a hamsters heartbreak. i rewrote it so huey is now a gay extraterrestrial hamster with cancer and i even made it that he’s in love with an editor isn’t that perfect?
sincerely
artie
* * *
Dear Mr. Queem:
I never knew there were so many new ways to construct a sentence. What is the name of this new language you’ve invented? It can’t be English.
I repeat, this story is NOT suitable for our publication. Please read several copies before submitting anything to us again.
We wish you the very best of luck in placing your story elsewhere. Like a shredder.
Sincerely,
Editor
Backbiter Press
* * *
dear editor backbiter
huey got mad when he got your letter then he died. how does that make you feel you heartless moron you killed little huey. unlike you hueys in a better place now. he told me about it so i wrote another story i call it hamster in heaven (100 copies enclosed) and if you don’t publish this story huey will not be allowed to stay in that better place and he’ll have to go to the bad place where snakes and eagles and editors go when they dont print my stories.
yours,
a. queem
* * *
Mr. Queem:
Do you want to know what I really think? If I printed your story I would forfeit my career if not my life. My readers would revolt. Western culture would be set back thousands of years.
Forget about reading our publication. Start with any grade school grammar text.
Here are some of our associate editor’s comments:
1. “Is this manuscript missing some pages? If not, it should be – the more the better.”
2. “This is the worst translation I’ve ever seen. It is a translation, isn’t it?”
3. “We should report this guy to the SPCA. This is cruelty to animals of the highest order.”
We wish you the very best of luck in placing your story elsewhere. Like an incinerator.
Sincerely,
Editor
Backbiter Press
* * *
hey backbiter
huey has arisen and he’s coming to get you.
a.q.
* * *
Queem:
Please find enclosed a copy of a restraining order forbidding you, or any alter ego that may inhabit you, from approaching our offices, our editors, our employees, the parking lot attendant, the mailman – in short, ourselves or anyone with whom we might even have random contact.
You are also forbidden under penalty of law to submit any further material to this office, whether written in the English language or not.
We wish you the very best of luck in placing your story elsewhere. Like where the sun doesn’t shine.
Sincerely,
Editor
Backbiter Press
* * *
dear editor backbiter
enclosed please find my story about a poor poor author who is treated cruelly by idiot editors and other morons and then his story wins the knowbell price for literature and women love him but they hate the editors and will not mate with them.
sincerely,
huey
THE END
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Leland Thoburn is 56 years old, married, and the father of two. In addition to writing, he plays jazz saxophone and flute, and has a hobby of exploring old ghost towns and mines in the California desert. Mr. Thoburn is working on one novel, one memoir, and a gaggle of short stories.