“Cult-O-Rama®”, by J.D. Riso

Aug 20th, 2008 | By | Category: Prose

Are you tired of getting no recognition for the superior being that you are? Can’t shake the feeling that you were born to dominate the masses? We have the answer for you! Cult-O-Rama® is the one stop shop to getting in touch with your inner omnipotent guru.

In these uncertain times, humanity is ripe for exploitation. Record numbers of people are tired of taking responsibility for themselves. Never has the business of disillusionment been so lucrative.

Attend our Guru Boot Camp® and learn how to:

-Identify your niche. We have dozens of experienced counselors on hand to help you find your natural inclination, whether it be pyramid marketing, politics, optimum health, personal power, racial supremacy, or creative Bible interpretation. Once you’ve found your niche, our Cult-O-Rama® counselors will work closely with you to help you fabricate your new religion. Or, if you prefer, our patented InstaDogma® software will generate a random ideology for a nominal charge.

-Effectively proselytize. Spot that potential convert and rope ’em in! By the time you’re through with this seminar, you’ll know how to cripple even the most obstinate self-esteem.

No self-respecting cult is without a personalized vision of the end of times. You’ll receive in-depth training on spinning the Apocalypse. Impending doom can be read into almost anything – cloud formations, stock market fluctuations, climate change, the list is endless. In this course, you will hone your prophesying skills, including dramatic gesticulation, speaking in tongues, and feigning piety. You will have your converts cowering in fear and eating from your hand.

Special attention will be spent on mind reorganization, formerly known as brainwashing. You’ll learn all of the latest breakthroughs in artificial stimuli, such as nerve-numbing electrodes, and subliminal images. You’ll also revisit those old and trusted standbys: rituals, sleep deprivation, mantra repetition, isolation, and excruciating physical postures. Punishment techniques will also be covered in depth, as well as children’s activities. Remember: you’re never too young to feel doomed!

Once your flock grows too large for you to handle alone, you’ll need a foolproof support system so that you can reap the rewards of your labor. At the Guru Boot Camp® you’ll learn how to build that all-important hierarchy.

Do you have the charisma of a tree stump? No problem! For a nominal charge, you can attend the GuruShine® Charm School. We’ll have those abrasive personality traits spic and span in no time.

We have a wide array of payment options that make the Guru Boot Camp® accessible to all, whether you come from Park Avenue or a trailer park!

Act now and get a free Guru Starter Kit®! It includes out useful PermaStash® booklet on tax evasion and a HandiFlog® cat o’ nine tails, sure to staunch the occasional outburst of independent thinking.

But wait, there’s more! As an added bonus, we’ll throw in Orgylicious®, Swami Bob’s best-selling video guide to ritualistic sex.

What are you waiting for? Get up off that couch and call us now at 1-800-NEW-GURU. Adoring adulation is only a phone call away!

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J. D. Riso can say “sausage” in 10 different languages.

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