Warning: The following anti-limericks are rated NC-17 – or would be if the ratings system for American movies were applied to anti-limericks. But of course, it isn’t, so I guess we’ll have to concoct something, won’t we? So consider this warning a pre-warning to the appropriate warning.

Appropriate Warning: The following anti-limericks are rated P, which could stand for “penis,” “peter,” “pecker” or “pee pee” (though the abbreviation should have one more letter, if that’s the case). Para las personas que hablan espanol, “P” sern­a igual a las palabras”pito” o tal vez “pene,”etc., tambien, depende del pa­s.*

Addendum to Appropriate Warning: For readers who like colorful euphemisms, the following anti-limericks should be rated PP for “punany perch,” “petunia pounder” and “peacock pricker.” It should NOT be rated PP for “potato peeler” (see www.urbandictionary.com for an explanation). It also should NOT be rated PP for Federal Bureau of Investigation, North Atlantic Treaty Organization or cardio-pulmonary resuscitation.

Anti-limericks celebrating Seamus Almodovar Igovshky Nao Davis and Juvimoricus

By Ivan O’Uris

I

There once was an old man named Hoin

Whose chickens kept pecking his groin.

It drove him quite nuts,

So he ordered a pizza

And told the delivery boy, “Hey, sonny, get these fuckin’ chickens off my cock!”

II

A would-be hermaphrodite from Venus

Wanted not just a coochy, but also a penis.

She thumb-wrestled a gong

‘Till she got her fat schlong,

Then said, “Crap, now I can’t jog naked ’cause my cock keeps flopping up and poking me in the frickin’ eye!”

III

A porn star named 10-Pecker Charlie

Tried humping while riding his Harley.

He found 10 chesty chicks

To straddle side saddle on his dicks,

Then said, “What the fuck?! I can’t see the taxis, turnpikes and terrapins ’cause of all these titties!”

Background Notes: Luscian-born poet and journalist Ivan O’Uris last appeared in Defenestration in February 2007. Since then, he has been trapped in the lining of his goatskin coat; has exiled himself to said goatskin coat after experiencing self-doubt, drunkenness and self-doubting drunkenness; and has been involved in a standoff with an IRS auditor. All of this has led to a cross-country chase involving the auditor, Ivan’s fans and – more often than not – Ivan himself. This saga has been chronicled in the background notes to the Ivan poems that have appeared online since … oh, sometime last year.

During a recent pause in fleeing from the IRS auditor, Ivan composed the above anti-limericks. Unlike much of his poetry, the anti-limericks were commissioned. One night while hiding out in a truck stop restaurant bathroom stall, Ivan received a message from the Luscian government, delivered by a carrier grassafu. A native insect to Luscia, the grassafu is a grasshopper known for its ability to take down species 40 times its size through kung fu kicks it learns from Luscian scientists that subject it to repeated screenings of Jackie Chan movies. The Luscian government regularly uses it to deliver messages across the Atlantic Ocean² to journalists and poets that are in hiding from the IRS.

Ivan pulled the message from the grassafu – and then cursed a lot as he struggled to get up after the grassafu accidentally floored him with a reflex-triggered kick. The Luscian government was asking him to write three official anti-limericks for the S.A.I.N.T. Festival, a national festival held whenever the Luscian people feel like it to honor Seamus Almodovar Igovshky Nao Davis. A 19^th-century Luscian writer, inventor and bull burper, Mr. Davis believed that Limerick, Ireland, was plotting to overthrow Luscia and force Luscians to express themselves only through limericks and launched the Sean-Antonio Igovosobitshky Nao Davis Rebellion of 1821. For three straight months, he wrote only anti-limericks, which he mailed to Limerick city officials. His rebellion ended when he got the run-around. Limerick’s city officials told him he needed to send his anti-limericks to the British Parliament because Ireland was still part of Great Britain. Parliament told him he needed to send them to Funkadelic because Britain was too busy beating up on African and Asian countries to deal with a petty rebellion like his. Funkadelic referred him to George Clinton, who referred him to Bill Clinton, who referred him to Hillary Rodham Clinton – or rather, all of them would have if they had existed in 1821.

The government also wanted Ivan’s anti-limericks to be in keeping with the festival theme: a tribute to Juvimoricus, the Ancient-But-Doesn’t-Look-It-Because-He-Works-Out-Bunches god of all sexually raunchy, emotionally stunted, potty-mouthed humor. According to Luscian legends, Junivmoricus was banished to pull the finger of a giant statue to the god Flatugassicus after angering Maxiusdadilies – the lord of all Luscian gods – for making Maxiusdadilies wet his bed in his sleep by sticking Maxiusdadilies’ left hand in warm watermelon wine.

Honored but intimidated by the request, Ivan sought inspiration. He found it after building an altar out of his bathroom stall door. On the altar, he placed pictures of Sarah Silverman, photocopies of writings by Marquis de Sade and Allen Ginsberg, a Beavis and Butt-head talking cuckoo clock, a South Park: Bigger Longer, Uncut commemorative napkin, a laptop computer that played a loop of select scenes from Pink Flamingos and porn films starring 10-Pecker Charlie⁴, the Mel Brooks Giant Rubber (Eraser, That Is) and a scented candle. He scribbled his anti-limericks on a nearby wall. A few days later, Ivan O’Uris scholars E.E. Pointer and Shawn Roney copied them and submitted them on his behalf.

As of this writing, it’s uncertain if Ivan will write any more anti-limericks. He’s pressed for time, mostly because he can’t stop looking at his pictures of Sarah Silverman – and doing one-handed activities related to looking at pictures of Sarah Silverman.

Asterisk-Related Notes

*Roughly, the sentence in Spanish translates as follows: “For people who speak Spanish, ‘P’ also would be short for the words ‘pito’ or maybe ‘pene,’ depending on the country.”**

**For those who speak Spanish, a humble apology is offered if the above Spanish is sloppy. If it’s not, then save the apology and redeem it the next time sloppy Spanish is used in the notes to – or body of – an Ivan O’Uris poem.

Pierced Pancreas Notes⁵

1. To read more of Ivan’s poetry and to learn more about Ivan’s coat saga and IRS standoff, visit http://www.lawrencian.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=blogsection&id=9&Itemid=55.

2. But only the Atlantic Ocean. Studies have shown the grassafu instinctively refuses to cross any other bodies of water, unless they have bridges over them.

3. Originally, the festival was called the S.A.I.N.D. Festival, but was changed in 1991 so it would have a catchy acronym.

4. Some Ivan O’Uris fans erroneously believe 10-Pecker Charlie is a play on the name of Kansas City, Mo.-based traffic reporter Nine-Finger Charlie. It’s actually a play on the name of ex-porn star of Nine-Pecker Farley, who’s best known for his role in 1994’s Go (Down on the) Team, Farley! Go, a three-part epic set in the 1940s, in which Farley conducts a marathon orgy with the Gallatin Gazongas, a professional women’s baseball team. Now retired from porn, he’s the spokesperson for People with Multiple Schlongs – or PMS, for short.

5. “Pierced pancreas notes” are end notes that think they’re too good to be considered footnotes and prefer to associated with a higher body part, yet want to show they’re suffering for art and scholarship.

————

Since the 1990s, E.E. Pointer and Shawn Roney (with occasional help from others) have devoted themselves to sharing Ivan’s vision of the world. In December 2007, using a “how-to” book, they performed cataract surgery to try to improve Ivan’s vision of the world, but were unsuccessful.