Theodore Dreiser once wrote, “The mystery of life—its inexplicability, beauty, cruelty, tenderness, folly…has occupied the greater part of my waking thoughts; and in reverence or rage or irony, as the moment or situation might dictate, I have pondered and even demanded of cosmic energy to know Why.”

But to a self-help guru, this is just the mumblings of a man who was never hugged as a child. Why, even Socrates was just $29.95 from knowing the mysteries of love and life! Life is just a puzzle and all you need to do is find the corresponding pieces! Or that’s what Self Help books promise with their glossy covers and catch phrases. One of my favorites is “Live Each Day Like It’s Your Last”. Can anyone seriously contemplate what the world would be like if everyone lived their life like each day was their last? Nothing would get done! Everyone would be too busy punching people in the face and snorting coke off the asses of expensive hookers. And I’d waste my last minutes on this earth waiting in line to get my banking done. I’m not saying I’m pathetic because I’d spend the last day of my life balancing my checkbook, I’m just saying that the banking industry is full of a bunch of violent druggies.

“How’s that workin’ for you?”

Dr. Phil is probably considered the “figurehead” of the self-help world. And if the self-help world was a boat I would most certainly string this man up to the mast. Built like the Long John Fisherman, Dr. Phil has channeled his used car salesman pitch to become a “#1 New York Times Bestselling Author”, as well as Oprah’s favorite head case—I mean headshrinker. And who doesn’t love Oprah? Well, Judge Judy. But that’s a mud-wrestling match for later, children.

Dr. Phil’s recent masterpiece is Love Smart, a book that promises to, “Find the one you want—Fix the one you got”. As he compared the opposite sex to a leaking toilet, I was immediately disgusted—and intrigued.

When I looked on Amazon.com to check out the reviews, I was generally pleased with the positive results, such as: EVEN A PRIEST THINKS IT’S GOOD, and really folks, when you have a priest on your side, everything is golden. Ask Torquemada. Another reader proclaimed, “YOU ARE MY HERO DR MCGRAW. YOU’VE HELPED ME IN SO MANY WAYS YOU CANT EVEN IMAGINE. IT SEEMS THAT YOUR BOOKS ALWAYS COMEOUT WHEN I NEED HELP. I’VE BEEN HAVING A LITTLE TROUBLE IN MY CURRENT RELATIONSHIP SO I GOT THIS BOOK. I HAVENT STARTED IT YET BUT I CANT WAIT. THE LAYOUT LOOKS GREAT AND LIKE AN EASY READ. I KNOW IT WILL BE HELPFUL TO ME.”

Oh Andrew, I’m so glad you’ve found some comfort in this harsh world!

The book jacket of Love Smart summarizes, “If you are sleeping single in a double bed…then this book is for you”. And promises to give a woman the ability to “peek behind the male curtain”.

This brings three thoughts to my mind. 1) I sleep alone in a single bed. Get it right, genius! 2) What part of male is the male curtain made out of? 3) Where can I buy one?

“If you’re gonna talk to me, you’re gonna have to be honest.”

After studying the book jacket photo of Dr. Phil copping a feel from a grotesque Hallmark heart, I quickly flipped through a few chapters. Not only is the book decorated with more hearts that don’t make me retch (at all), each new chapter is introduced with a thoughtful quote. These range from such deep thinkers as Robin Williams to Bruce Willis. Obviously Dr. Phil has a subscription to “Quotes from the Folically Challenged”. When Dr. Phil runs out of philosophical steam, he simply quotes himself. That’s right, Dr. Phil quoting Dr. Phil. Okay jackass, there are only two people in the history of the world that can get away with such a thing.

1) Oscar Wilde

2) Mr. T

And like Oscar Wilde’s promise to never publicly out Sherlock Holmes’s love of Watson (oh, you think I’m kidding), Dr. Phil promises that he can take any single and teach her how to mingle:

“I’m talking about making a major change in your life, specifically your love life. It’s time to be a winner. It’s time to start being a bride instead of a bridesmaid.” (7)

This happens often in the book. Points are made, and all of a sudden something is stated in bold font because I like pork chops. I suppose it’s annoying but the message needs to come across so everyone knows that in Tokyo, a bicycle is faster then a car. Sure the boldfaced, large font can get annoying. But Dr. Phil is really driving his point home! He wants the reader to remember and understand his words and to really understand why the Mona Lisa has no eyebrows.

“I want you to get excited about your life.”

In Dr. Phil’s mind, generalization is key. Therefore if you’re female, over thirty, successful and have a cat, you need his help! You need to love yourself and embrace (as he puts it) The Character Of Me.

“Well, I knew how hard Kate worked. The hours she put in at the office left precious little time for nurturing a relationship. So I asked her to list her priorities for me. Sure enough, like many unmarried thirty-seven-year-old women, she had marriage and children at the top of her list” (69).

For those of you who would like some illustration to go along with this paragraph:

Women enjoy:
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Because I don’t own a cat, am not over thirty and live in a barn, I questioned whether Dr. Phil’s book was the right one for me. I decided to answer his list of thought-provoking questions to discover whether or not I was A Character of Me or I or Some Other Misplaced Pronoun.

1) Do I feel that I have to disguise myself?

In a superhero costume? Yes.

2) Do I live with shame and guilt?

Yes. Living in an apartment alone is expensive.

3) Do I believe that I lack intelligence?

I make up for it in cup size!

4) Is there something fundamentally wrong with me?

What do you think? OH MY GOD PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK.

5) Do I lack confidence?

What do you think? OH MY GOD PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK.

6) Do I think I am a second-class citizen?

Well I’m a woman. So yes.

7) Do I feel unworthy of love?

Daddy don’t leave me!

8) Do I often feel I have no control over my lies and behavior?

Only when I’m drunk. Like now.

9) Am I damaged goods—have I dumped so many times that there has got to be something wrong with me?

I’ve been walked all over like Jesus. Because I’m misunderstood. Also magical.

10) Do I say to myself that I’m not worthy?

Yes. But when I talk to myself people start to stare. Especially when I perform my famous one woman show of Fiddler on the Roof in the freezer section of my grocery store. “Tradition, tradition! Traditioooooooooon!”

“Let’s do it.”

So Dr. Phil has discovered the root of why you’re single. You have low self-esteem because Daddy never bought you that Barbie Dream house.

“I already know one thing is keeping you single right there: You’re desperate, and—trust me—that will scare men to death. Language can be a powerful thing. If you’re telling yourself you’re “desperate” and you “must” have a man, you will “reek” of fear, weakness and desperation (69).”

(Sound of waves crashing, a black and white landscape of a beach appears. A woman’s voice, like a summers breeze, calls through the storm.)

“Fear.”

“Weakness.”

“Desperation.”

Reek, a new fragrance by Calvin Klein.

Dr. Phil goes on to explain that, “I’ve never heard of a guy who has those three qualities on his list of major turn-ons. It would be like a woman saying, “Well, the first thing I look for in a man is sexual ambiguity” (71).

1) I hate Dr. Phil

2) If women weren’t into sexual ambiguity, David Bowie would never get laid.

Dr. Phil then goes on to describe “The Many Faces of Desperation”. It’s kind of like “The Three Faces of Eve” but with less screeching and more misogyny. Dr. Phil notes that a main reason a woman is single is if she is “an independent woman”, someone who “make(s) your own money. You’re used to being the boss. You don’t play second fiddle to any guy.”

Men, “like to at least feel they have some control,” they “don’t like to acknowledge their needs,” are “capable of serious commitment, but do sometimes respond to competitive territorial protection like an alpha male trying to dominate the herd.” Finally, “Men need to clearly perceive why the are needed.” Wow, if I didn’t know any better, I’d think a man was some kind of sheep dog with low self-esteem. Dr. Phil, why are you trying to make me hate dogs? That’s just wrong.

“Lets just cut to the chase. When you’re sitting there with your date discussing the latest contestant to be voted off the reality TV show of the moment, you’re not really interested in his thoughts on the world of television. What you really want to know is “Do I like him a little or a lot and will this guy marry me if that is what I want, how does he feel about having children and is he going to treat me well?” Correct (207)?”

Well, here’s what I was thinking:

“Lets cut to the chase. When Eileen is sitting there with her date discussing the latest contestants to be voted off the reality TV show of the moment, Eileen isn’t really interested in her dates thoughts on the world of television. What she really wants to know is, “Why hasn’t someone smacked Dr. Phil upside the head? It really wouldn’t be too hard. Sure he’s tall, but I think it would be worth it since he’s basically implying that women were put on this earth to shoot out babies like a gumball machine.”

Dr. Phil then reveals the mysteries that is Man. “Most men are linear thinkers. They take a single-file, one-thing-at-a-time approach to life.” (134).

Dr. Phil then tells a story about a woman who wanted to spice up her love life with a French maid’s outfit. But her man was watching The Game. “He had two and a half hours and twenty years of history invested in” The Game. Of course, any man who would see his wife suddenly wearing a polysynthetic Halloween costume in the middle of July might be tempted to ask “why are you dressed like that?” before turning his attention back to The Game. But I guess not. So therefore every woman must learn to “pick your time, pick your battles, everything’s fine”. Don’t do anything when The Game is on. Unless you’ve got a copy of “Love Smart” handy. Then simply walk up to your husband/man and whack him in the head with it. See if Dr. Phil’s hypothesis is correct. Repeat until bloody. Perhaps me hinting that Dr. Phil is an idiot is wrong, but my love for domestic violence? On the mark. (135).

“Love Smart” attempts to prove that men and women are vastly different.

“If you need any proof of the difference, just check out some conversations. I heard a comedian capture it well—check out the way women interact with other women.

Karen: I love your new haircut? It’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen!

Diane: Do you really think so? I wasn’t sure when I first saw it. You don’t think it’s too short?

Karen: Oh, no! It’s absolutely perfect for you! I would love to get my hair to look like that, but my face is too fat so I’m stuck with this bird’s nest.

Diane: Are you serious? You are a stick figure and your hair is amazing!

Karen: Are you kidding me? If I’m a stick then you must be invisible! And I’d give my right eye to be half as pretty! But thanks, I’m so glad you like this haircut (150)!”

Why I do declare! That Dr. Phil certainly knows his way around a woman’s fragile mind! I have to fan myself or else I’ll get the vapors! Mammy, could you pour me some more lemonade?

“This is gonna be a changing day in your life!”

Finally “Love Smart” gets down to the nitty-gritty. Where to find your man. Out of the twenty places Dr. Phil suggests, over half of them are sports related. “lacrosse game, hockey game, Batting cages, The US Opens (golf and tennis), baseball games, major sporting events, the super bowl, sports bars, sporting goods stores” (159). Here’s a question. What if the woman doesn’t like sports? What if, just to say, a woman feels that popular American sports such as football are merely a public display of suppressed homoeroticism? Is that a good theory to bring up over some pork rinds and Pap’s Blue?

Lets just say that this woman holds off her urge to proclaim that football is “more boring then cribbage” or that baseball players are “money sucking vampires”. On page 166, Dr. Phil suggests “Icebreaking Questions” to pose to your pigskin loving love interest. “Do you love what you do for a living or work to pay the bills?”, “After an exhausting day at work, what is the first thing you like to do?”

Okay, a few pages ago there was a story about a poor woman parading around in a French maid’s uniform and she couldn’t get her man’s attention because he was watching “The Game”. Is Dr. Phil now suggesting that a woman walk up to a stranger in a sports bar and ask him about his hopes and dreams?

Oh, oh I’m sorry. I just used logic. That doesn’t go with my gender. Looks like I’ll have to be rewired. Again.

“Are you stupid?!?”—Dr. Phil

After you’ve found your prey—or date (whatever), there are things to watch out for:

“If he begins to feel that you’re invading his space or that you’re checking up on him, not only will you look desperate and needy, but he will start trying to claw his way out of this relationship…Treat your urge to dial like a food craving and do something else for thirty minutes to see if it passes. Call a friend, go for a run (but not over to his place!) or better yet, do your nails so it’s difficult to dial him up. (182).”

That’s right, do your nails. Or better yet, bake an apple pie!

When you’re not doing your nails, dreaming of becoming pregnant or thinking up lame questions to ask men in sports bars, be sure to join an internet dating service! It gets results! But to get results you need to have a fulfilling profile, so ponder over these questions:

“What’s special, unique, distinctive, or impressive about you or your life story?

What details of your life, personal or family challenges, history, people or events have shaped you or influenced you life goals?

What personal characteristics (for example, integrity, compassion, persistence) do you possess, and how can you demonstrate that you have these characteristics?” (198)

And when all else fails:

In what ways is Johnny Tremain’s life shaped by the social and economic practices of colonial America on the eve of the Revolution? What does the novel reveal about these practices?

These questions are food for thought and will provide anyone with a fantastic dating profile. Especially the Johnny Tremain question. Because Johnny Tremain rocks.

After all this self-searching and realizing that it’s all your fault for being single (but oh, you’re not a loser. Buck up chump!), the gentler sex can finally learn Why Men Truly Suck:

“Why Men Won’t Commit to Marriage

According to the National Marriage report at Rutgers University, here are the top ten reasons that men don’t want to marry.

They can get sex without marriage more easily today then in times past.

They can enjoy the benefits of having a wife by cohabiting rather then marrying.

They want to avoid divorce and it’s financial risks

They want to wait until they are older to have children

They fear that marriage will require too many changes and compromises

They are waiting for the perfect soul mate, and she hasn’t yet appeared

They face few social pressures to marry

They are reluctant to marry a woman who already has children

They want to own a house before they get a wife

They want to enjoy single life as long as they can (252)”

After reading this list I don’t want to commit to marriage either. I can get sex for free?! Screw you Eduardo and your $9.99 a minute!

Trite, insufficient and pretty much an insult to women (and even men) all over the world, Dr. Phil’s book does have one sentence of truth to it. When discussing internet dating, Dr. Phil states on page 189, “I’m glad these matchmaking sites weren’t around before I met Robin. With such a huge network out there and with all the choices she’d have, I probably wouldn’t have stood a chance!)”. When the author of a “how to meet your soul mate” book doubts his own abilities, that certainly leads to some deeper thought. It could be fair to say that love is sometimes more by chance then by choice. But if Dr. Phil admitted that, he wouldn’t have any cars to sell.

Oh and Dr. Phil? Here’s some illustration to go along with that paragraph: