In general, this column will be where you go to read reviews of truly craptacular movies that one should not die without having seen. However, it’s Oscar time, and Ubiquitous Film Review Column is as much a slave to Oscar power as any other media outlet!
As this year’s Oscar race approaches, the buzz increases about those who were overlooked. A lot of this buzz is only in the heads of certain hard-partying starlets and bad boys. But some of it, my friends, is true. We have passed over movie history this year.
Here, I shall lay out for you some of this year’s most egregious oversights and most ridiculous nominations.
First of all, I know the biggest dark horse this year is Keisha Castle-Hughes for Whale Rider. And frankly, people, the Hollywood game HAS to stop. If a well-written, achingly realized performance is just going to be steamrolled into a nomination every time it comes along, no matter the width of distribution or lack of licensed action figures, where will it end?
I’ll tell you where it ends. It stopped a little short of this year’s best actress. Jennifer Lopez, ladies and gentleman, for your consideration. In a fearless and possibly career-crippling acting job, she did press for Gigli with a straight face, with deep-water thespian forays into “explaining the plot,” “explaining her character,” and “touching Ben Affleck in public.” Such seamless acting, such a meaty role, rarely comes along for an actress, and we should honor someone with that much dedication to the craft.
Of course, there are “lesser” Awards that go to technical aspects of filmmaking, but here at Ubiquitous Film Review Column we refuse to let these awards go unnoticed!
And now, my predicted winners in the categories that really matter.
BEST GAY TENSION
Viggo Mortenson and Orlando Bloom, The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
BEST SUPPORTING GAY
The cast of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy
BEST USE OF THE CREDITS
The Naked Gun. Yeah, the first one. Screw all of you, they are brilliant, and that movie is overdue for some serious Oscar action.
BEST USE OF AN AWESOME TITLE FOR A TRULY CRAP FILM
The Butterfly Effect, starring Ashton Kutcher. * weeps quietly in a corner *
BEST MOVIE STARRING ELIJAH WOOD
All I Want
Gotcha! Just a joke. Of course I’m talking about Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over.
LEAST DISGUISED MOVIE ABOUT SEXUAL AWAKENING
Peter Pan, without peer.
BEST MOVIE
Ordinarily, I would award this to The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King. However, in a year with so many exceptional movies, this epic trilogy-capper must take second place to
WOMB RAIDER.
As one of the more independent films on the Best Picture short list, I shall include a summary provided by the studio.
When wealthy treasure hunter Cara Loft (LAUREN HAYS – Playboy’s Girlfriends 2) is delivered an invitation to meet renowned art collector Dr.Scrotus (ROLAND LANZA), the sexy adventurer is thrust head-on into the greatest and most dangerous erotic adventure of her life… the search for the three sacred wombs. With danger at every turn, and beautiful but lethal spy Natasha (ANTOINETTE ABBOTT – Playboy’s Springbreak) hot on her heels, Cara must travel to the scorching deserts of Arabia, the untamed jungles of Africa, and the mysterious mountains of Tibet in order to reunite the legendary womb idols of creation.
While any movie with Roland Lanza must be considered a de facto instant classic, it’s the tightly woven plot and deep character studies that truly mark this as the Film of the Year.
With that, I retire for another month of movie viewing. Tune in on Oscar night, and remember who called some tight races! This is your Ubiquitous Column Signoff.
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Genevieve is a prolific writer of speculative fiction living in New York, but you’ll never find her there because millions of people live there and Genevieve likes her privacy. Examples of her fiction can be found in Strange Horizons, Fantasy Magazine, Federations, and numerous other magazines and anthologies. Her first novel is forthcoming in 2011. Also? She has terrible taste in movies.