Stephen Swycher in conversation with his granddaughter (aged 3 years & six months).

Grandpa: I’d like you to put your toys away and tidy up Milly.

Milly: I haven’t got time.

G: You’re going to bed soon.

M: That’s why I haven’t got time.

G: You’re going to bed in five minutes.

M: Ten.

G: I said five minutes.

M: Ten.

G: What about seven and a half?

M: O.K.

G: When we get your nightclothes on you can have a choice of programmes.

M: What choice?

G: You can either watch the Rugby or the video of Monsters, Inc.

M: Monsters, Inc.

G: The Rugby is very good.

M: Are there monsters in it?

G: Well actually, there are some very large people; I suppose you could call them monsters. Some are in blue shirts and some are in white shirts and the referee wears an orange shirt. And they have scrums which are quite exciting.

M: I want to watch Monsters Inc.

G (Resigned): O.K.

M: Is the Rugby like the chocolate chips Mummy buys?

G: Why do you ask that?

M: They’re scrummy.

G: Very witty. Come on now we’ve got to get you ready for your bath.

M: I’m not having a bath.

G: Why not?

M: I want Daddy to give it me.

G: Your Mummy and Daddy are out. I’m babysitting.

M: I am not a baby!

G: Then I am just sitting.

M: No you’re not, you’re standing up.

G: Now let’s go and get your bath ready.

M: I am not having a bath!

G: O.K. you are not having a bath.

M: Why are you opening the cocktail cabinet?

G: I feel that I’m losing my grip.

M: Men don’t wear hair grips.

G: I’m going to have a whisky.

M: Can I have a chocolate biscuit?

G: No, you’ve already had one.

M: You’ve already had a whisky.

G: So?

M: Then why can’t I have another chocolate biscuit?

G: Because I’m grown up and you’re not.

M: You’ll get like Daddy.

G: How like Daddy?

M: Mummy says if he’s not careful he’ll be a colic.

G: You mean an alcoholic.

M: Can I have the chocolate biscuit now?

G: Alright I’ll do a deal. You don’t tell Mummy I’ve had two whiskies and I won’t tell her that you’ve had two biscuits.

M: It’s a deal.

G: Well if you’re not having a bath we can switch on the Rugby

M: We’re watching the video, Monsters Inc. No deals.

G (Resigned): No deals.

____________________

Stephen Swycher has been writing scripts for so long that his rejection slips have achieved the status of memorabilia. He recently appeared at the “Voicebox” with Hallam University creative writing MA end of the year show. His sketch “Satellite Navigation,” was complimented on it’s brevity. He is currently staging a reading of his fifty minute play “Friday Night.” This is being presented at the “Kingfield Vestibule” Sheffield, by a leading caterer. The evening is in one act and two courses.