“Top 10 Reasons Why Men Cheat” is one of the stupidest articles I have ever tripped over when skipping through the Internet. From the incredibly sage-like website AskMen.com (showmeyourboobs.com was already taken), this little article attempts to derail the big myth we’ve all been asking ourselves:

“Adultery has been around forever, and has always given us something to talk about. Most reality TV shows these days center on it, as do gossip mags. But we are far from cracking the big mystery: Why do some men cheat in relationships?”

Ah yes, I too have spent much of my life pondering on why people (in this case, men) stray from their chosen vixens. This is much more important to me then, say, pondering the existence of God. I too also educate myself with great resources such as “Paradise Hotel” and “Cosmo” (in our next issue “Top Ten Ways to Get a Guy To Bed You” and “How to Look your Sexy Best When He Beds You”).

The author of this literary masterpiece (Oliver Jameson) then goes on to deconstruct the many amazing (“Oooooh”) and spectacular (“Ahhhhhh”) reasons men want to bone other ladies.

First, he says “blame it on the genes”:

“In troubled relationships, cheating can be an easy alternative to the burden of a breakup or the agony of divorce. It’s a quick fix for the sake of the couple’s or the family’s integrity. Some of us have even gone so far as to enact the long-distance code: If you cheat in another zip code, it doesn’t count.”

The article also mentions:

“And with evolutionary psychologists telling us that we are wired to lay our seeds in as many women as possible to ensure our genetic survival, adultery is slowly becoming a defensible misdeed, which may explain why women are catching up to men in the game of infidelity.”

I can picture it now:

Dear Gloria

You know I love you. I cheat because I love you. It’s all for us. Without my late night meetings with Fiona McBreastey, I would not have the will to go on and live with you. Fiona has given me hope for our relationship (and a suggestion that perhaps you, my darling, should get breast implants). Also, Fiona lives in Rhode Island. That means it’s not really cheating darling. Certainly if I committed a crime in Rhode Island, I’d be arrested and prosecuted, despite me living in another state. But cheating isn’t a crime, my love, despite me making sweet love to Fiona in your mother’s house.

Don’t blame me dear. Blame me being born a man! Imagine the pain and suffering I go through day by day, with all those sperm inside me begging to be let free! It hurts, darling! It pains me! What other options do I have?

Love,

Richard

Oliver Jameson then goes on to actually list the top ten reasons a man cheats. So watch out ladies! Your man might have straying eyes, if:

10) “Your lady doesn’t put out”

That’s right, did you know that “The best way to get a woman to stop having sex with him is by marrying her”?

Haha! You don’t say. Well, here’s the thing Don Juan: If your lady doesn’t want to have sex with you, it’s because you suck in bed (or in some cases, not suck, if you get my drift…).

9) “She Cheated on You”

“Penis, did you hear that? She cheated on us! Lets get her back in the only way we–I mean—I know how!

8) “It’s challenging and exciting”

If you cheated because it was challenging and exciting, you really need to take up a sport. Also, how can a man be faithful to any sports team unto death, no matter how much they suck, but he can’t be faithful to his lady friend? Hmmm, sounds like a problem with wiring…

7) “You can get away with it”

Uh-huh. Listen, I can also commit the perfect crime by shooting this Oliver guy in the head and hiding his body in the Louisiana bayou. But you don’t see me doing it, do you? Mayhap I should reconsider…

6) “It Boosts your Ego”

Do jou feel thad yo’ ho ain’t givin you the ‘spect you deserve? Pimp, you bes’ ged on dat field an’ play, playa. Cuz guess what bro, best these bitches like yo’ sex style, cuz they’s neva gonna like yo’ fo yoself. Word.

5) “The Opportunity Was There”

“It’s an uncontested fact that most men can’t say “no” to sex. Although guys aren’t constantly bombarded with sexual offers, sometimes an irresistible prospect presents itself. Maybe it’s a frisky ex-girlfriend, maybe it’s a horny hottie on the dance floor. A guy may see it as once-in-a-lifetime occasion that might never be available again. Carpe diem, as they say.”

Once again, this guy is really giving his gender credit. Basically he’s saying “Men are rutting pigs, they’ll just go for whatever lays down on the floor and smiles, a five dollar ho, grandma, hey, even a hot llama.”

All I can say is that if I was the owner of some twig and berries, I’d feel real insulted right now!

4) “Your Girlfriend is a Nag”

It’s not her fault you wanted to date the embodiment of your mother. Pervert.

3) “Women let Us”

Yes, I often drop my man off at the “Run Amuck Cheating Playground”. I love to watch him play on the swings, then run around chasing skirt and tail. He’s so cute!

2) “She Doesn’t Turn You On Anymore”

I bet you don’t either.

“Long-term relationships have the annoying habit of making people lazy. No longer concerned with staying fit and attractive, a committed woman might lose the allure she once had. Her man may simply not find her beautiful anymore, and making love to her is not as stirring as it once was. This is why most mistresses are gorgeous, young women.”

Yes it’s all the woman’s fault. Why doesn’t that bitch get to the gym?

1) “You Don’t Love Her Anymore”

But you stick around for what? The good cooking? Again, mom-complex. (Oh Oedipus, where are thou?)

“Cheating might feel good as a quick escape from your problems, but it’s only an anesthetic — not a long-term solution.”

Really? You don’t say! But it looks so good on paper! Maybe you’re right, guy-I-don’t-know. I’m going to trust your non-researched opinion and go with it! My soul is free, FREE!

____________________

Celebrity Rebuttal

Eileen’s Ex Boyfriend

Eileen, Eileen. You knew when you met me at the youth group rally that I was a man not to be trusted. You knew my dark side would drive me away from you and into the arms of other women, and yet you chained me with your ideas of monogamy and respect.

Then again, nothing like this is ever really anyone’s fault, and so, I forgive you.

I forgive you for not being as attractive as you were to me before you opened your mouth and started droning on about dreams and goals and opinions and stuff. Even though we were in public, I let you voice your opinions, though you must have seen how I was subtly giving our waitress the Eye during dinner. And then after dinner behind the Dumpster for about seven minutes. It wasn’t because you weren’t attractive, darling. Well, it was, but not in a sleazy way. You just have this way of saying ‘elbows off the table’ that reminds me of my mom, and that waitress – who meant nothing to me, by the way, I was thinking of you the whole time – had only two things that reminded me of Mom, if you catch my drift.

If you care to remember the night in question, in the middle of your yapping about “let’s just be friends” and “I’m not interested in you any more” and “I’ll call the police if I see you at my house again,” I was contemplating the male imperative – to procreate, Eileen! To propagate the species is a man’s first priority! Evolution and biology align to prove me right. You couldn’t accept my responsibilities, Eileen. You couldn’t support my biological imperative! I eventually had to propagate with my Anthropology professor in order to make sure I wouldn’t wither away and DIE, Eileen!

However, I forgive you your callus behavior.