1. I am much more attractive – All right, I’ll admit that they might each have specific areas in which they are better looking then me (except for the shortest one, who I have nicknamed Ug Fug). But dude, just because you have that sexy shaggy hair doesn’t mean that your hideously pockmarked face and British teeth are somehow rendered invisible. And does your friend there, the one with those well-defined muscles, really think that his sculpted abs cancel out his putrid body odor? Sure, you could grate cheese on them, but it would make stinky cheese, and nobody likes stinky cheese. I am certainly no Brad Pitt, but my general lack of repulsiveness pisses them off.

2. I have social skills – I blame this on their parents. None of these guys have mastered even the most basic of social conventions. Where more normal individuals like myself would follow the pattern of “when someone else says hello, you say hello back”, these misanthropes believe the proper response is “scratch yourself wherever you are sweaty and try not to make eye contact”. Luckily for Ug Fug, people are usually trying to avoid looking at him too, most times by dousing their eyeballs at one of those Emergency Eye Wash stations. Their jealousy at my knowledge of “a handshake” is the one of the most deep-seated cause of their hatred of me.

3. I am a nice person – I could excuse their lack of social skills if they were just misguided people who, underneath their rough-and-stinky surface, were quite nice. Unfortunately, my housemates are far uglier on the inside then they are on the outside. One time I saw Shaggy Hair British Teeth kick a puppy, just for the hell of it, and laugh menacingly for days afterwards. Stinky Cheese Abs is the one who keeps swearing around your Grandma. Ug Fug likes to spill his beer on girls, hoping that their
clothes will become all wet and clingy. I don’t really blame Ug Fug for being such a dick, if I was that ugly, I’d want to take it out on other people too.

4. I have a girlfriend – Maybe it is the combination of being nice, having social skills, and being attractive that got me this girlfriend of mine, or maybe it is because when I walk the streets with my housemates, I look like some kind of SEX GOD in comparison. The second theory can’t be right though, because usually when we are walking the streets, I try and pretend I don’t know them. But yeah, as they lie on their beds, masturbating grudgingly, getting angrier and angrier, I wonder if they understand the true point of masturbation.

5. I am omnipotent – Nobody else seems to mind the fact that I can do anything, be anywhere, make anything appear or disappear, blow things up just by thinking about it, or render myself invisible, which allows me to slip undetected into the bathrooms of various female celebrities while they shower. But for some reason, it really exasperates my housemates. Everyone else seemed to enjoy my vivid description of Cameron Diaz’s strange bathing rituals, but not them. They just sat there, scratching themselves where they were sweating and trying not to make eye contact.

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Devon Lougheed is a student at Queen’s University. He likes beers and leaning back on chairs even though adults tell you not to. He wrote a book that you can buy if you email him: devon@showerheadmusic.com

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